Some Short Stories I Wrote A While Ago

[Klaus]

Number 1 (no name, none decided yet)

The fire was ablaze in the fireplace, soothing Barry white and other soft soul classics were playing in the background. The room had a cozy warmth that you normally only get on x-mass when grandma has the family over for dinner and gifts. He opened the door and there she stood, about 5'8, around 125lbs, with wavy long autumn hair. She was wearing a heavy fur lined brown winter coat and a white and pink sweater underneath. With a pair of black, tight cargo pants. He held out his hand and led her in from the bitter cold. He was about 5'9, and 144 lbs., black think medium length hair, gelled down and up in the front. He was wearing a black and white striped sweater and a pair of black corduroy pants. He smiled as he led her into his small but cozy farmhouse. They shared a quick kiss and he closed the door behind her, took her coat and hung it up in the closet, then he led her to the couch and they sat down. They conversed in small talk about this and that and how cold it was this evening. After about 10 minutes He led her into the dining room and sat her at the table in front of a salad bowl and a glass of Chardonnay. They began eating the fine meal. After the salads, He brought out the main course, which was a Butter Poached Lobster Tail with a Lobster Claw Cake in a Citrus Butter Sauce. After the fine meal he led her back into the living room to sit in front of the fire and relax. He poured her another glass of wine and they toasted, to meeting each other. He leaned over and kissed her softly upon the lips and she kissed him back. They then curled up in front of the fire chatting and watching the fire burn away. The wine was now gone, they both were cuddled together as the last of the flames died down. He finally stood up and helped her up. They kissed softly again and started slowly dancing to the soft soul coming from the stereo. They danced for what seemed like hours upon hours. Finally he whispered something in her ear, she smiled and they danced until the end of the song, then slowly walked off to his bedroom.

Number 2 (no name either, just labeled by season)

It was a cold wintry evening. The fresh snow on the ground made the driving conditions just barely acceptable. His green GMC was in 4-wheel drive as he drove up her driveway. He parked at the edge of her driveway, being able to only go that far, for the snow had drifted into sand dune sized mounds on the pavement. He followed the path up the walkway to the front door and picked up her newspaper as he rang the doorbell. He stood there for about a minute when She opened the door; she was wearing a white fuzzy turtleneck sweater and a pair of jeans. She motioned him inside out of the cold and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. She exclaimed that the weather sucked, and it needs to be summer soon. He hung up his winter fur coat and she then exclaimed that his black button up shirt looked good on him and matched his jeans perfectly. He smiled as she led him down the hall and into the kitchen, then to the family room. It was a cozy family room, white carpet with eggshell white walls. There was a giant mirror over the fireplace that really opened up the cozy room. She had 2 glasses of wine sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace with the bottle in-between. They sat down and started conversing, explaining of their days, the weather, current movies, and everything else. By the time the wine was gone they were up and slow dancing to the slow jazz floating out of the radio speakers. When the song was over they adjourned to the floor again and curled up close to each other in front of the warm fire. He reached up on the couch and grabbed a blanket and wrapped them both up in it and held her close as the flames died down. When he woke up, the fire was completely out, the radio was static, and she was fast asleep. He picked her up and slowly took her up to her room. He put her in her bed and then quietly walked downstairs, as he opened the closet to get his coat she said “please Nick, don’t go.” He turned around and looked at her then smiled and closed the closet, walked back upstairs and wrapped his arms around her. She held on close to him and exclaimed that she was cold and lonely in her house and that him staying the night would make it all the better. He smiled and picked her up and then walked into her bedroom. She changed into a nightgown and climbed into bed next to him and then curled up with him. He kissed her and held her close as she slowly fell off to sleep. He laid there for about 2 hours just watching her sleep, before he finally dozed off himself sleeping peacefully holding her close to him.

[BrassFusion]

First rewrite should include naming the characters, cuz right now, they aren't characters. Also, organize some chronological paragraphs. Each paragraph should center around one main idea.

Then we'll get a little more in-depth.

[Fierce Critter]

Paragraphs, please. I won't even scan it unless I see some indents here and there.

[maeve]

My critique goes something like this:

It appears that what you have is an idea. Ideas are good, in that, they can begin to set the stage for a story. One has to be careful, however, that they do not allow the idea to become the story. The story needs to develop on its own via the characters. The characters need to develop through narration and dialogue, this is what eventually allows the reader to connect to the story and makes them want to hear more. As a reader I don't want to be "told" that a character is doing something; I want to experience what the character is doing, while they are doing it.

This can be a difficult thing to accomplish and really only comes from a lot of bad writing, believe me I know. But, on the bright side, eventually bad writing gets better if you keep working at it. I write poetry and I also write non-fiction, which I seem to do fairly well, at least that's what my profs say; but when it comes to fiction I have struggled and struggled. I finally made a break through this semester, so it would seem, when my prof said that he actually wanted to read more of the story. This to me was success, if someone asks for more, then I'd say you're doing well. My two cents.

If you're interested you can read the story I'm currently working on. I'll post it now. Keep writing.