Sass In The Pants V 1.2

[sass_in_the_pants]

Now with extra sass!

Now with...a bun in the oven!

So, I'm preggers. It's exciting and scary and, like most of my life, unplanned.

I started reading this book called 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' It tells me things like if I eat feta cheese my child will have flippers. It says I should shun white bread in favor of wheat germ, despite the fact that wheat germ tastes like shoes. It says that since I can't drink anymore, I should try yoga, as I may find it surprisingly relaxing.

Yoga? INSTEAD of drinking?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Downward facing dog is no substitute for the hair of the dog.

It also says I will experience some changes in my body, particularly my breasts.

Huh, you don't say.

Let's spend a moment talking about my breasts. If you run into them, on the street, at a club, in the store, I want you to know, it's not your fault. It's their fault. They are so large, I am afraid they will eat the baby when it finally arrives. A couple of years ago I went to a REAL lingerie store, not some Victoria's Secret bullshit where some wisp of a thing tells me I'm a C cup and hands me a turquoise leopard print bra with less fabric than my headband. No, a REAL lingerie store, with an old German woman who manhandled my breasts, told me I was a double D, and rung me up a beige bra - with straps wide enough to tow your jet skis, and four reinforced steel hooks in the back. This wasn't a bra for looking good, it was a bra built for work. And work it did - my constant back pain ended that very day.

That was, of course, until a few weeks ago. It's like some horrible sci-fi flick from the 50s...the Woman with Great Big Boobies! From Planet Zoron!

I walked into the bedroom last night and flashed my husband 'Look! Look at these things! Would you look at them!'

He grinned.

'You don't seem to be getting it.'

He kept grinning. My nipples, apparently, are hypnotic. I lowered my shirt.

'Hmmm, what was that?'

'My boobs are huge.'

'I don't see the problem.'

'They're HUGE.'

'I still don't see the problem.'

'They also hurt so you can't touch them.'

'Oh my god! This is terrible!'

And it's only the beginning...

No, really, I'm excited, he's excited, it's going to be great. Just, maybe not yet.

[bean]

congrats!

[Medea]

'They also hurt so you can't touch them.'

'Oh my god! This is terrible!'

XD

[JaneDead]

oh my god i laughed so hard reading this. i felt as if i wrote it myself especially the beige bra with wide straps and husband not getting why the huge sore boobs was a problem. when i was pg he didn't seem to get that either. the boobs take on a life of their own.

if you are a double d NOW... look out sister.

[Brenda Starrr]

Congrats.

And if you think your boobs hurt now, wait till the milk comes in. They will NOT move, and will hurt so bad that homicide becomes REAL appealing.

[Shade Everdark]

Congrats.

And if you think your boobs hurt now, wait till the milk comes in. They will NOT move, and will hurt so bad that homicide becomes REAL appealing.

One does not require sore breasts for homicide to become appealing, trust me.

[sass_in_the_pants]

oh my god i laughed so hard reading this. i felt as if i wrote it myself especially the beige bra with wide straps and husband not getting why the huge sore boobs was a problem. when i was pg he didn't seem to get that either. the boobs take on a life of their own.

if you are a double d NOW... look out sister.

I'm so afraid, so very, very afraid.

[Rayne]

Congrats!

Yes indeed. ... and use the What To Expect When Your Expecting as a coaster or a doorstop. It's much more useful that way. The writers ideals of normal seriously send more women into unnessecary freak outs and stress. It's okay to use it as a loosely based guide ... but get Mayo clinic's version ... it's so much better. I'll give you the name and stuff when I get home.

[Guest Megalicious]

congrads.. BABIES RULE!!!

[Brenda Starrr]

One does not require sore breasts for homicide to become appealing, trust me.

You're right. But, I assure you it becomes even MORE appealing when the Grand Tetons are hurting like a mofo.

[odims_sphere]

I know I killed a man once when my boobies hurt.

[TygerLili]

Congrats!

[Shade Everdark]

You're right. But, I assure you it becomes even MORE appealing when the Grand Tetons are hurting like a mofo.

The Grand Tetons? I can't say I paid too much attention to them when last I saw you (I do TRY to be a gentleman), but I didn't think they were THAT big....

*hides behind Marc*

[Brenda Starrr]

The Grand Tetons? I can't say I paid too much attention to them when last I saw you (I do TRY to be a gentleman), but I didn't think they were THAT big....

*hides behind Marc*

SOMEbody's getting a spanking next time I see him.

Allow me to clarify, Gothy McSmartypants:

When the pregnancy occurs, our boobs grow. When we have the baby, the MILK comes in, making our tits the size of the Grand Tetons and they hurt like a m*therf*cker. Hence the homicidal feelings we get, especially when you penis-carrying shits want to touch them.

Any questions?

[Shade Everdark]

SOMEbody's getting a spanking next time I see him.

Allow me to clarify, Gothy McSmartypants:

When the pregnancy occurs, our boobs grow. When we have the baby, the MILK comes in, making our tits the size of the Grand Tetons and they hurt like a m*therf*cker. Hence the homicidal feelings we get, especially when you penis-carrying shits want to touch them.

Any questions?

Yes, I'm well aware of all that.

You're maybe reading too much into my being a smartass.

[Brenda Starrr]

Yes, I'm well aware of all that.

You're maybe reading too much into my being a smartass.

You are simply no fun. And I still might spank you.

[Homicidalheathen]

congrats!

[sass_in_the_pants]

congrads.. BABIES RULE!!!

Good to know...I thought all they did was drool.

[Shade Everdark]

You are simply no fun. And I still might spank you.

My lady, I am famous the world over for my lack of fun.

As for the spanking, I don't know. I think you'd enjoy that too much.

[the eternal]

Congratulations!!

May I suggest the Hip Mamas Guide to Pregnancy

Along with the standard fare, "Hip Mama" contains info that no other pregnancy book contains... such as "Can you breastfeed with pierced nipples" and "Are vibrators OK during pregnancy?"

[sass_in_the_pants]

Update:

We just had the ultrasound this morning.

There's a healthy girl in there.

And she has a friend.

It's TWINS!!!

It's freaking TWINS!

The other one was being a bit shy today so we don't know if that one is a boy or a girl, but one girl definitely.

The phrase 'I about shit my pants' really sums up my feelings.

[saechalyn]

When the pregnancy occurs, our boobs grow. When we have the baby, the MILK comes in, making our tits the size of the Grand Tetons and they hurt like a m*therf*cker. Hence the homicidal feelings we get, especially when you penis-carrying shits want to touch them.

*shudder* reason #1,003 why I will never have kids. If these things ever got any bigger I would quite possibly go on a murderous rampage.

[saechalyn]

Update:

We just had the ultrasound this morning.

There's a healthy girl in there.

And she has a friend.

It's TWINS!!!

It's freaking TWINS!

The other one was being a bit shy today so we don't know if that one is a boy or a girl, but one girl definitely.

The phrase 'I about shit my pants' really sums up my feelings.

WOW! Congratulations!

[BrassFusion]

holy wow! congrats!!!! but heeeey... if i'm not mistaken, this is the second confirmed set of twins in the dgn mommies-to-be lineup...

is it radiation from the website making you guys extra-fertile or something???

[Fierce Critter]

OMFG.

You are fucking HILARIOUS.

You are one of the people on this board who, to me, is a constant presence. Yet I know almost nothing about you.

Except that you are an incredible, fucking hilarious writer.

Girl, are you doing something with that talent?

It is somewhat well known that I hate kids. And hate - nay, shudder at - just about anything having to do with human spawn.

And I'd buy an entire book on pregnancy just based on the passage above.

Bravo. And - not the least begrudgingly - congratulations.