I Quit

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

But almost relapsed on heroin today. Thank God for small favors. Some of you may know, I've been struggling with a heroin addiction for a few years now off and on. I was doing it daily for well over a year. While this may shock some of you, it's not something I often talk about. I relapsed on drugs with over a year clean from even drinking when I found out by Dad was terminally ill, and things only went downhill when he passed.

While, I'm not exactly sure what my clean date is, it doesn't really count in NA or anywhere because I still drink. Personally, I don't give a shit. I'm still on leave from NA, and don't really need their approval. I do know that it's been at least since my birthday on July 13. I started doing it again in June of 05 after my Dad passed. I wasn't really seeking it, but it found me through friends. Yes, I do still consider them friends and will never judge them. It is not their fault, and many of them got clean a lot quicker than I did. I refuse to quit talking to someone over temptation bullshit though . I've always liked playing with fire, and flirting with disaster.

Life is about choices and not programs. I'm not knocking NA, but they sure have a way of not making everyone feel welcome sometimes. I hate feeling belittled in a program I've been in since 1992. I have never lied, cheated, or stolen for drugs, so I don't feel they have any right to judge me. I choose to say that there is nothing in this world I am powerless to change, but God himself. I don't want anything to do with serenity. I've had enough of it with chemicals personally......

[Homicidalheathen]

Yes its a shock to me. I thought you were one of the few people on here who actually had their shit together (well, you do NOW) but one of the few who did not struggle with past addictions.

Hang in there, I know its tough.......I was clean for 14 yrs......almost died from Divers and had a relapse myself........kinda the opposite of you.

I guess I was thinking why the hell am I living this perfect clean lifestyle when doing so almost killed me anyway? I was vegan.......no drink.......no drugs......for years, THEN I got sick and almost died?

So I tried my drug of choice (not the same as yours) a few times and now I hate it just as much as I did years ago. It gives me heart palpitations and constipation which could kill me. What gets me is the doctors had me addicted to vicodin like THATS ok, most of the people I know drink to excess like THATS ok.......but you can't compare yourself to others and use it as an excuse.....

I stopped drinking but once a week and only smoke twice a week now and I have a ton of energy........stopped taking the pills I was buying from a friend and my health is improving......When my energy is low, which it will be from the divers.......I just rest. I am giving in to getting old and its ok.

My kids are what inspires me most. They still need me, a good example......counciling......and really do look up to me. Its easy to quit and stay clean when you think of them.......hang in there......it does get easier.

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

Well, thankfully I never got into needles which I'm sure would make the whole thing a lot worse. The only downside I really faced in the past year since I haven't been high more than 3 times (used just enough to kill the withdrawals and maintain), is I've had less of a social life, and nearly died after getting some shit laced with cancer drugs. While, that's kind of a big deal and shit, it's nothing like my old cocaine binges. I don't completely lose control to addiction to the point hat I let it destroy my life. It doesn't mean that I was less addicted, but only more stubborn and less willing to let shit get in the way of my dreams

[SuZQZ]

Stay stubborn, keep your eyes on your dreams and take care of yourself, pleeeeeaaaase

[Fierce Critter]

Sigh.

I wish there were more programs out there for people than the "anonymous" groups.

There's one called SOS - Save Our Selves - but they don't have many meetings anywhere. You can message with them online, but I don't advise it - discussing addiction & recovery really requires hearing tone inflection and reading facial expression.

I checked one of those groups out for a friend. By the time they were done telling me I was making excuses for the friend's behavior and enbling him, I'd realized NOT to recommend them to my friend.

[pomba gira]

But almost relapsed on heroin today. Thank God for small favors. Some of you may know, I've been struggling with a heroin addiction for a few years now off and on. I was doing it daily for well over a year. While this may shock some of you, it's not something I often talk about. I relapsed on drugs with over a year clean from even drinking when I found out by Dad was terminally ill, and things only went downhill when he passed.

While, I'm not exactly sure what my clean date is, it doesn't really count in NA or anywhere because I still drink. Personally, I don't give a shit. I'm still on leave from NA, and don't really need their approval. I do know that it's been at least since my birthday on July 13. I started doing it again in June of 05 after my Dad passed. I wasn't really seeking it, but it found me through friends. Yes, I do still consider them friends and will never judge them. It is not their fault, and many of them got clean a lot quicker than I did. I refuse to quit talking to someone over temptation bullshit though . I've always liked playing with fire, and flirting with disaster.

Life is about choices and not programs. I'm not knocking NA, but they sure have a way of not making everyone feel welcome sometimes. I hate feeling belittled in a program I've been in since 1992. I have never lied, cheated, or stolen for drugs, so I don't feel they have any right to judge me. I choose to say that there is nothing in this world I am powerless to change, but God himself. I don't want anything to do with serenity. I've had enough of it with chemicals personally......

I was a heroin addict for 15 years, haven't done any in at least 5 years now & down to 30mg of methadone a day (from 80 in Jan.)... I detest 12 step... I know it works for a lot of people and I would never tell anyone they shouldn't go... but I don't like the way they expect you to define yourself as ONLY an addict and nothing else... don't like the whole "everyone you used with is just a worthless dopefiend who wants you to relapse" thing- like, so, if they came in here you'd tell them the same thing about me? Fuck that- some of those people are my dear friends who stuck by me through some horrific times... I will agree that we don't need to be hanging out together every weekend, but we stay in contact, get together for dinner or drinks once in a while, and if we need each other we are THERE.

Also think 12 step just encourages people to exchange one addictive behavior for another with the emphasis on making your life secondary to attending meetings. And yeah in my experience people can get REAL judgmental at NA meetings.

ANYWAY- I honor you for being strong today sweetie, be sure you honor yourself as you deserve! You can call me anytime you need to, message me and I'll give you my contact info if you want. 'Cos it damn sure isn't easy and we can all use all the support we can get.

[Onyx]

I choose to say that there is nothing in this world I am powerless to change, but God himself. I don't want anything to do with serenity. I've had enough of it with chemicals personally......

I've been trying to wrap my mind around that statement since yesterday.

Intriguing.

I find serenity is an uncomfortable feeling for me. It's too surreal and alien to my nature. I require a goal and reaching for something higher, something just out of my grasp to make me feel alive.

[Homicidalheathen]

......just take out a pic of your kid and look at it when ya feel the urge.....works for me still.

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

We live, we choose.

How we live is dependent upon how we choose.

Period.

I don't know that seems like a pretty simple summary to me, and I don't need some 30 day schmuch pretending he's God of cleanliness telling me otherwise, because he thinks he's experienced life. Fuck that.

[ttogreh]

I have never even smoked pot. So, with that, let me make a big fool of myself, eh?

Addictive personalities... don't need chemicals for their itch to be scratched. Indeed, 12 step is a ritualized addiction substitution. There is no "cure" for addiction. It's simply a neurochemical imbalance that can only be treated, not eliminated.

Look, I am just text on a screen, right? I also am speaking from a position of ignorance. I don't know what it is like to be high, or jonesing, or detoxifying. However, I do know that it takes a lot of balls to recognize that there is a problem.

Just know that I rather enjoy the interaction that your presence on this forum creates, eh? I, for one, would miss you. Not that that should influence you in any way, though. Like it has been said, it's your choice.

[Sybil]

*pokes Kevin*

*pulls him in for a huge Sybil "tackle hug"*

I love you, man!

Please hang in there.

[Kit Kat P]

I proud of you for even having the strength to get on here and say your struggling and going through a tough time and asking for support.

[angusfergus]

As someone whose experience with mind-bending drugs has generally been on the 'prescription' side of things, I can't claim to know exactly how you feel. But I do know that since I decided to cut myself off from meds, I have been much sharper mentally and have generally had a clearer head about most things. Good on you for your stubbornness and refusal to relapse.