Why I Think I'm Probably Insane.....

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

All I ever really dreamed about was writing music. I've never had amazing equipment or anything, but I followed the examples left behind for me and listened to a lot of music from one of my personal heroes on this world despite the fact that he sucks in some ways as badly as I do.

Regardless of that, I've spent a lot of years writing music. I started learning electronic synthesis a little bit back in 1998 (or 99 pretty sure 98 somewhere around the time I was being beaten and drugged up and abused for my religious beliefs that wound up with me being tortured and treated like shit for nearly 3 years of my life all for believing in God and wanting to prove it to the world).

I guess I'm stlil just this schizo guy, but this schizo guy went out and despite really not having anything tried to help everybody he could in life. I got selfish . I wanted to live a little. I learned. I did some horrible things. I stole from a liquor store a few times, I beat a lot of people up for being mean to me or trying to take something from me, I lied my ass off my whole life because everyone seems so fucking interesting in this world that I had to blend in and compete just to feel like anyone would ever like me at all.

I guess I'm really that much of a loser. No one should like me at all. I suck as a human being period. I even cheated on a couple of girls.

I truly feel horrible about these things, and I apologized to my Daddy, and Jesus's Daddy, and your Daddy, but Daddy told me he forgave me.

Then you guys told me that I was dumb. That my Daddy doesn't exist, and that you won't forgive me. Unless you're my friend that is. If you're someone I'm acquainted with you might forgive me this small measure, but only because you know I"m a nice and caring and giving guy. It might not necessarily be because you believe my Daddy is real. You just know that I'm real, and I'm usually pretty nice, and I usually don't get angry unless I have a pretty good reason.

You might think my reasons are dumb sometimes.

You might think that me getting angry about people voting for people who enslave us is real dumb.

You might think that me getting angry about us and our children getting ripped off is dumb.

You might think that me caring about all the people in this world that our dying because selfish men would rather spend spend spend on themselves then lift a finger for another human being in this world.

So maybe I'm just a big dumb guy that sucks.

I probably am.

I went to go delete my music collection today. The stuff that I wrote. The stuff I spent most of my heart on when my heart was broken. It was one of the few things left in this world that meant anything to me at all.

I hit the button. I thought I clicked ok. Maybe I didn't. I walked away crying my eyes out and said "It's your Dad! It's all yours! I don't want any of it! I just want people to love each other and be nice again and quit laughing at you!"

My music somehow is still here, and I can't stop crying.

I'm sorry.

For being such a piece of shit.

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

Someone once said nice guys finish last.

I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal.

You let me finish last, and I'll let you finish first.

[Scales]

I don't think your insane or a bad person. You don't have to take what I'm going to say seriously; but if you want, you can take it into consideration.

Since I deal with bad anxiety, mental strength eventually became like religion to me. Because I became so cocky with my problems I was corroding from the inside. This next week I'm finally going to an appointment to get help for depression and anxiety, mainly anxiety since it's the root problem.

When you have little emotional stability things are bound to slip in your life, it doesn't necessarily mean your insane. Insane in a loose context is not necessarily a bad thing. There is a constant tug of war over the definition and acceptability of what's sane and what's insane between each person.

If your so upset you deleting your music, then you probably should get help since music is extremely important to you. For instance you could go back on medication, go on a different medication, or get counseling, it's there to help people. The things and people most important to you can't stay important or valuable if your problems take over your life.

[freydis]

Ok, I'm going to take a minute out here to say what I've been thinking over the past few days (and possibly what some others have been thinking, too).

You need help.

If you have been seriously, clinically diagnosed with schizophrenia-- you need to get back on your medication, and seek help. It's not something that can magically change with positive thinking, it's an honest to goodness neurolocial problem. Pot smoking is not likely helping, either.

The things you've written and posted lately sound very unbalanced--it's frankly worrying. At best, you've been sounding like the stoner kid from Dazed and Confused. At worst, you sound delusional. Seriously delusional.

Before it becomes a big problem (as in, before you run the risk of causing harm to yourself and/or others), you really should seek help.

This isn't coming from an urge to "conform", and I don't think you have a problem because you're saying "deep" things--- half of what you're saying makes little sense, and the other half sounds like you're on an odd trip. Either way, it makes it painfully obvious you've got a real problem.