Who Here Is Single

[torn asunder]

However that completely destroys the ability to deadpan something, which is often a lot funnier.

i had no idea that's what you were doing...

[Nate Kriepp]

As someone who's freshly single from a LTR (freshly meaning 'was delivered walking papers in April'), I'm in no rush to get involved with someone. But at my age I'm really looking hard at my friends who have managed to get and stay happily married the first time around. I myself was only married for 3 years and got divorced when I was 30. Been engaged twice and had them both evaporate. My friends don't seem any more or less stable than me. What's the secret of it all?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

lol I knew you were joking hun, so was I. I actually really like your personality.

Good, glad I took it wrong. I honestly felt bad, and thats no easy feat these days, being 100s of thousands of posts worth of thick internet skin deep. :grouphug

Yeah, it is a rule of the internet ; you cannot spot sarcasm/humor unless emoticons are used. However that completely destroys the ability to deadpan something, which is often a lot funnier.

After awhile it can work, just have to have a strong knowledge of the audience (or person) , even then though I usually try to throw in some qualifying "hah" or emoticon, not so much for the benefit of the specific person, but for the benefit of random readers so they know they aren't viewing an abrasive conversation. Text is annoying though. I fought phone text messages like a banshee for ages, I've finally given in, but damn I prefer phone calls, so much easier to come across the way one intends.

As someone who's freshly single from a LTR (freshly meaning 'was delivered walking papers in April'), I'm in no rush to get involved with someone. But at my age I'm really looking hard at my friends who have managed to get and stay happily married the first time around. I myself was only married for 3 years and got divorced when I was 30. Been engaged twice and had them both evaporate. My friends don't seem any more or less stable than me. What's the secret of it all?

I think a lot of it just has to do with this harsh reality known as luck. Similar to how you can't predict who is or isn't going to like you, its also impossible to predict what is or isnt going to last, no matter how smart we are. And unwanted walking papers suuuuuuuuuuuuck. Sorry brother.

[Nate Kriepp]

And unwanted walking papers suuuuuuuuuuuuck. Sorry brother

Thanks, man. This falls under the the auspices of "Fool me once, shame on you." She dumped me last year in April and we got back together in September and then April rolls around again and what do you know? It's dumping season again!

Yeah, fool me twice, shame on me.

[0pheliA]

As someone who's freshly single from a LTR (freshly meaning 'was delivered walking papers in April'), I'm in no rush to get involved with someone. But at my age I'm really looking hard at my friends who have managed to get and stay happily married the first time around. I myself was only married for 3 years and got divorced when I was 30. Been engaged twice and had them both evaporate. My friends don't seem any more or less stable than me. What's the secret of it all?

Communication and compromise

And knowing what you want from the get go and not settling, most people tend to take whatever comes along. Human beings are prone to projecting ourselves onto others and think they have so much in common, while being oblivious to who the other person really is. Then at some point the blinders come off and we go "you changed!"

[StormKnight (1)]

Quite the sucketh...can't even drown my solitude in games or the like. There is no one that shares the same things I enjoy out here.

[Nymada del Sol]

Communication and compromise

And knowing what you want from the get go and not settling, most people tend to take whatever comes along. Human beings are prone to projecting ourselves onto others and think they have so much in common, while being oblivious to who the other person really is. Then at some point the blinders come off and we go "you changed!"

I have a question. You said communication and compromise is needed and not settling.

Could you explain the difference?

[0pheliA]

Compromise is finding a middleground which benefits everyone, settling is giving up and giving in.

[XillaToxic]

<---Still single

[Troy Spiral (13)]

<---Still single

Probably that huge line of people with the "Take a number and get in line for the Xillatoxic Fan Club" paper numbers, just going to take you a time to get through them all, that your just having a hard time beating off all the suitors in line. I was reaching for a number (like 275 or something) and you batted my hand away. Coulda just PRETENED and let me stand at the back of the line,meanie.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Communication and compromise

And knowing what you want from the get go and not settling, most people tend to take whatever comes along. Human beings are prone to projecting ourselves onto others and think they have so much in common, while being oblivious to who the other person really is. Then at some point the blinders come off and we go "you changed!"

I must be surrounded by abnormalities, (and myself be one) apparently we (and I) are "too picky" and not willing (enough I guess) to "settle".

I never thought of myself as being all that demanding, I have a very short list of deal breakers, but somehow even they are "too picky".

[DeadBurgerKing (10)]

Ok, I can't directly "reply" to anything on my phone... Hmm...

Xilla, you choose to be single, though. So, it's ok!

[Slogo]

I am but for the first time... I don't care

[prick]

I am but for the first time... I don't care

Thats usually when you find someone.

[Class-Punk]

Thats usually when you find someone.

This idealism kind of reminds me of Santa, I'm waiting for a massive sociology study on it.

Edited July 7, 2012 by Coffeenated

[prick]

This idealism kind of reminds me of Santa, I'm waiting for a massive sociology study on it.

Santa is there if you believe.

[kat (1)]

Thats usually when you find someone.

+1 Edited July 7, 2012 by kat

[0pheliA]

I must be surrounded by abnormalities, (and myself be one) apparently we (and I) are "too picky" and not willing (enough I guess) to "settle".

I never thought of myself as being all that demanding, I have a very short list of deal breakers, but somehow even they are "too picky".

*checks your list*

Must subscribe to the Watchtower? Really?

[FarrIL]

I'm going to chime in here with some advice and a small rant...

The word "Compromise" is a BAD word. It's among the ultimate tools to sabotage a relationship. When you compromise something to be in a relationship, it begins a downward spiral that eventually destroys the relationship. I compromised a lot of myself in my longest relationship and it was all to his whim, not mine. There were many things I couldnt do because I compromised who I was, what I was and what I wanted to do. All because of his insecurities and his limitations. I sacrificed, compromised, a lot over the course of 2 1/2 years and when I realized that I no longer had to, I felt damn free.

What you need to find is the gentle medium. It's different than a compromise. When I've seen compromises, someone's getting what they want while the other is left with less than nothing. A gentle medium means you both have found something you BOTH can and do agree on. Best example I can give you wasnt relationship-oriented but the lesson's the same:

When I started dressing differently and catering to the alternative style, my mom flipped while my dad gave me a listening ear. He did make mention of his disapproval of some of the things I wore as they werent appropriate for family functions. However, in due time, sure I'd wear jeans but if the jeans were long, I wore my platforms. I was still wearing boots but wearing clothing that, while they were more appropriate for family get-togethers, they were still on my terms.

That's the same with a relationship. You find what works for the both of you. Never someone getting their way while the other's left with zilch. A relationship wont work if you have to compromise a part of who you are, just to be with someone. The more you compromise, the more they have you under control (in the bad way). If you compromise something now, they'll make you keep doing it just to see how far they can go. Dont fall for it.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Ok, I can't directly "reply" to anything on my phone... Hmm...

Xilla, you choose to be single, though. So, it's ok!

The reply button doesn't work?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

*checks your list*

Must subscribe to the Watchtower? Really?

HELL YEAH isnt that like the way you seperate the wheat from the chaff??? lol

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I'm going to chime in here with some advice and a small rant...

The word "Compromise" is a BAD word. It's among the ultimate tools to sabotage a relationship. When you compromise something to be in a relationship, it begins a downward spiral that eventually destroys the relationship. I compromised a lot of myself in my longest relationship and it was all to his whim, not mine. There were many things I couldnt do because I compromised who I was, what I was and what I wanted to do. All because of his insecurities and his limitations. I sacrificed, compromised, a lot over the course of 2 1/2 years and when I realized that I no longer had to, I felt damn free.

What you need to find is the gentle medium. It's different than a compromise. When I've seen compromises, someone's getting what they want while the other is left with less than nothing. A gentle medium means you both have found something you BOTH can and do agree on. Best example I can give you wasnt relationship-oriented but the lesson's the same:

When I started dressing differently and catering to the alternative style, my mom flipped while my dad gave me a listening ear. He did make mention of his disapproval of some of the things I wore as they werent appropriate for family functions. However, in due time, sure I'd wear jeans but if the jeans were long, I wore my platforms. I was still wearing boots but wearing clothing that, while they were more appropriate for family get-togethers, they were still on my terms.

That's the same with a relationship. You find what works for the both of you. Never someone getting their way while the other's left with zilch. A relationship wont work if you have to compromise a part of who you are, just to be with someone. The more you compromise, the more they have you under control (in the bad way). If you compromise something now, they'll make you keep doing it just to see how far they can go. Dont fall for it.

I know what your getting at and I agree and its good consul overall.

Just I'd take the individual situations, individually, I wouldn't say "never" as some things just don't matter to me, and I've got no problem changing them, for example: I couldn't give two craps what cologne I wear, if I have a GF that prefers something else, I wouldn't feel bad just changing it or feel like I was somehow "less than" because of it.

Just I try not to get too stuck on specific words. "Compromise" or "meeting of the minds" or whatever term you want to use, isn't the same (at least in my use of the term) the same as "giving in / giving up" depending on how its defined, can be bad or good. Sort of a half empty half full thing. Compromise could be = No one gets what they want and it just goes down from there or Compromise could = work on something that both can be happy with or Compromise could = just giving in. (depending on personal interpretation)

Often I find we just get confused because our terms are confused, unintentionally as we all have slightly different spins on what words mean.

Nice to see you around btw.

[0pheliA]

I'm going to chime in here with some advice and a small rant...

The word "Compromise" is a BAD word. It's among the ultimate tools to sabotage a relationship. When you compromise something to be in a relationship, it begins a downward spiral that eventually destroys the relationship. I compromised a lot of myself in my longest relationship and it was all to his whim, not mine. There were many things I couldnt do because I compromised who I was, what I was and what I wanted to do. All because of his insecurities and his limitations. I sacrificed, compromised, a lot over the course of 2 1/2 years and when I realized that I no longer had to, I felt damn free.

What you need to find is the gentle medium. It's different than a compromise. When I've seen compromises, someone's getting what they want while the other is left with less than nothing. A gentle medium means you both have found something you BOTH can and do agree on. Best example I can give you wasnt relationship-oriented but the lesson's the same:

When I started dressing differently and catering to the alternative style, my mom flipped while my dad gave me a listening ear. He did make mention of his disapproval of some of the things I wore as they werent appropriate for family functions. However, in due time, sure I'd wear jeans but if the jeans were long, I wore my platforms. I was still wearing boots but wearing clothing that, while they were more appropriate for family get-togethers, they were still on my terms.

That's the same with a relationship. You find what works for the both of you. Never someone getting their way while the other's left with zilch. A relationship wont work if you have to compromise a part of who you are, just to be with someone. The more you compromise, the more they have you under control (in the bad way). If you compromise something now, they'll make you keep doing it just to see how far they can go. Dont fall for it.

"and it was all to his whim, not mine."

That isn't compromise.

"You find what works for the both of you."

This is compromise

What you are describing as compromise is giving up, and what you describe as a happy medium is what true compromise is actually about. The word often gets misused to manipulate people though so the misunderstanding is understandable.

Edited July 8, 2012 by 0pheliA

[Nymada del Sol]

I've slowly learned the differences between true compromise and submitting to the will of others. My last relationship was a epic fail in that direction. The people I was with had demands that directly conflicted with my desires and joys and were not willing to compromise much. It's very much a two way street.

If you know your partner is a avid online gamer or really just into anything in particular, you shouldn't ask them to stop it cold. That's not fair and that's a very selfish and one-sided way for things to work. One's partner shouldn't be at the whims of one's hangups and one shouldn't expect them to.

There has to be a meeting of the minds.

[0pheliA]

You should also set limits of how far you can bend on certain things. What things are pretty much set in stone deal breakers, which ones can be altered somewhat, and which are very flexible.

For instance I am Polyamorus. It is something that is a deal breaker, however I can negotiate on how that side of me is expressed.