My Bff Is Being Abused & Won't Leave Him

[punk_princess]

My friend nicole has been in this abusive relationship since last summer. It was just verbal until a month ago when he broke her wrist. For the last 2 weeks her phone has been shut off so i decided to go to her house the other night to see if she was ok but there was no answer. When i told her that i had gone to her house the other night to check on her, her stupid man got on the phone and started going off on me cause i got a ride there from my friend brian. He said not to be bringing other guys to his girlfriends house and called me a hoe. I hung up on him. She called back like 2 seconds later and i basically told her that i was done with the drama and to call me when she is done with him. I can't stand to watch my friend get hurt cause it hurts me that she won't take my advice and dump him.

[Oh_My_Goth]

Aaahhh Yeesss.....The friend with the abusive B-friend.....

I know the situation well.....

I have lost allot of friends because I could not watch them be abused by their partner.....

If you think it is life threatening, call the police.....

I have found that in many cases the 'abused' person likes it in some way.....

I have seen people intentionally piss off their abusive partner, and then try to get others to feel sorry for them.....

I am not saying your friend is like that, but she may very well be.....

[Rev.Reverence]

Sometimes I find...it is simply time to stop caring...and look away...

..I don't want to seem harsh about it...but, that's the way of the world...

..if you do keep caring, it could break your heart, or even drive you insane...

..I empathize wholeheartedly...I have lost many friends who would not listen...

(they were on drugs, I see it as self-abuse)

[freydis]

Find some numbers for support groups (or if she lives with him, shelters) and make sure she has them. Let her know that it's wrong and she doesn't deserve it. (And if you know any *really* big scary dudes, and you *know* he actually broke her wrist, intimidation probably wouldn't hurt. )

[Onyx]

I have no sympathy or patience with women like that.

I know that seems kind of cold, but when someone won't even help themselves I can't see bothering with them any more.

[sass_in_the_pants]

Just make sure she knows you are ready for her when SHE is ready to start taking care of herself.

[TygerLili]

The only way you can help your friend get away from him is to let her know that you're there for her. If you push her away, she'll be that much more afraid to end things with him because she'll be afraid there's no one else who'll be there for her.

[punk_princess]

The only way you can help your friend get away from him is to let her know that you're there for her. If you push her away, she'll be that much more afraid to end things with him because she'll be afraid there's no one else who'll be there for her.

I know that but I can't bear to watch her be hurt. We have been friends for almost 16 yrs and shes like my sister. It just kills me that she would put up with that rather than be single.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Sometimes people are beyond help, sometimes they aren't, how much understanding it takes is often difficult to judge or even fathom in some cases. Its heart-wrenching either way. Its difficult to decide how hard to try to help someone and when its a lost cause and your just hurting yourself. It sounds fairly "new" though so i defiently wouldn't give up trying just yet I don't think. Every situation is different so its hard to offer specific advice, but I'm sure many of us have been right were your at with this.

Very frustrating and saddening. Have had to go through similar stuff with several friends.

[DarkChylde]

Meh, been there done that and theres nothing that anyone can do. Sorry to sound cold blunt like that but unless if she really wants to seek help therefor she has doomed herself and it'll only be her fault for the fact she choose to put up with his BS.

[punk_princess]

Meh, been there done that and theres nothing that anyone can do. Sorry to sound cold blunt like that but unless if she really wants to seek help therefor she has doomed herself and it'll only be her fault for the fact she choose to put up with his BS.

I agree

[Lillylu29]

I dont know her so I cant say she is doomed to be this way, or she can only help herself. Speaking from experience I only wish I had a friend who cared as much about me in my time of need as you do her.... But Becareful If hes ok with hurting her If he finds out what your telling her or doing it can put you in harms way aswell as her.....Get numbers for help, local groups for abuse to go to(group counceling and go with her), shelters, or even a place she could stay that he dosent know about...... If you dont hear from her call the police....... It never hurts to have them check on her once in awhile...... Its gonna be hard She is scared to leave, but above all else she thinks shes probley inlove cause he springs what they call the honeymooners syndrom on her " oh baby im so sorry i'll never do it again" Bullshit.......It only will get worse......

Please just becareful.... We dont want to see you hurt or her either..... Its really really hard..... Im glad she has someone Like you who cares......

[Miranda]

If you don't have enough intelligence and the self-respect to know getting beat doesn't come close to anything called love or caring, you have real serious issues and nothing I can say is going to change that. That person needs professional assistance and hopefully she has the means to get it. I understand some men won't go away and that instills a deeper fear but the circle of abuse is cyclic and someone has to break it.

[Pandora]

If this asshole has gone so far as to Break Her Wrist she is in serious trouble.

The end result of Domestic Violence are these: The cycle of abuse doesn't stop until 1. The victim dies or 2. The victim kills her/his abuser, and sometimes 3. The abuser goes to jail. 4. The victim commits suicide and in rare 5. cases the victim is able to break up with the abuser.

I stayed in a couple of domestic violence shelters when I was homeless and the women who escaped are part of an extremely small percentage. Violence is escalating and does not stop until death does them part in man many DV cases.

I would do two things. Print up a list of domestic violence shelters in another area than where she lives, as well as print off this list of domestic violence stats and show them to her in a safe place, like your home, or a coffee house in another city. List: Domestic Violence Statistics

I would then go to the police and report the wrist breaking, even though they may not have enough evidence to arrest him, they will have her complaint on record and then she can get a restraining order or Personal Protection Order against him.

If he continues to harass her she can then have him arrested.

Obviously all of this hinges on if you can convince your BFF to open her eyes. DV victims are not rational when it comes to their mate, they suffer low self esteem so damaging they think the abuse is there fault, make excuses for it, basically help keep it going out of fear and fear of rejection.

Talk to her parents or family members and tell them what's going on. Ask them for their help in getting the abuser out of her life.

One of the consequences may be she doesn't want to talk to you, but really, would you rather have a dead friend than a friend who won't speak to you for awhile but is no longer getting beat up and marching towards a violent death? That's a harsh thought, but it happens every day.

If this were my friend I would do exactly what I said above, and I wouldn't stop until the situation was resolved. You have to make your own decisions, and I know you may have concerns for your own safety if she tells her abuser what you're trying to do, and that's a valid reason to be worried, but if the abuse isn't stopped, your friend has a good chance of dieing. It's just as bad as habitual drug or alcohol abuse.

You can also call the police in her area and ask them for guidance. I would.

For the people who say there is nothing you can do, bullshit. This is a woman's Life we're talking about here. We have a duty to intervene when our friends are in trouble, and if we don't well then I don't know what to think.

We're doomed when good people sit by and do nothing.

[Pandora]

I dont know her so I cant say she is doomed to be this way, or she can only help herself.

That's like saying a drug addict can only help themselves. If you're deep into addiction the only thing you can see if your next fix. If i didn't have people to help me get out of it I would have been Dead a while ago.

Yes abuse is cyclical, but love trumps abuse and can help make the initial break. She has to do the rest, with support of her friends and family, but sometimes we need help to get there.

[Lillylu29]

That's like saying a drug addict can only help themselves. If you're deep into addiction the only thing you can see if your next fix. If i didn't have people to help me get out of it I would have been Dead a while ago.

Yes abuse is cyclical, but love trumps abuse and can help make the initial break. She has to do the rest, with support of her friends and family, but sometimes we need help to get there.

No offence but you need to read my whole post..... I said that in reffrence to what 80% of the people are saying here.... (being a smart ass) Iv been in this situation matter of fact my ex kept me locked up inside a house for several years.... If i got a job he found a way to make me quit it or get fired, If I had a good reliable car a relative gave me he found a way to blow it up....... I lost all my friends... I had no one..... family wouldent even help me..... He kicked me so hard in the gut one day that I layed on the floor for 5 hours in pain......he's slammed a door on my feet to keep me from leaving, among other things.... It took me a long time to gather the courage to leave, to know I deserved better then this.....to NOT follow in my mothers footsteps......

so if you really read my post instead of pickin on the first line.... you will find that I praised punk_princess for being their for her..... That i only wished I had someone their to help me and cared about me...... The only thing that got me out was my ex's father got him a job across state and gave me time to prepare..........

[celestial]

From experience there is only one way to let her know hes a jerk and thats by kicking hiss @^^. Im a peaceful person by nature but the one way to bring my bad side out is when another male puts his hands on a female in a negative way like that. And honestly thats a good way to assure he wont do it again.

[Pandora]

No offence but you need to read my whole post..... I said that in reffrence to what 80% of the people are saying here.... (being a smart ass) Iv been in this situation matter of fact my ex kept me locked up inside a house for several years.... If i got a job he found a way to make me quit it or get fired, If I had a good reliable car a relative gave me he found a way to blow it up....... I lost all my friends... I had no one..... family wouldent even help me..... He kicked me so hard in the gut one day that I layed on the floor for 5 hours in pain......he's slammed a door on my feet to keep me from leaving, among other things.... It took me a long time to gather the courage to leave, to know I deserved better then this.....to NOT follow in my mothers footsteps......

so if you really read my post instead of pickin on the first line.... you will find that I praised punk_princess for being their for her..... That i only wished I had someone their to help me and cared about me...... The only thing that got me out was my ex's father got him a job across state and gave me time to prepare..........

I did read the entire post, always always do. I only had an issue with the first line as it seem incongruent with the rest of your post. And I'm really glad you were able to get out of that relationship, many women can't

[DarkChylde]

From experience there is only one way to let her know hes a jerk and thats by kicking hiss @^^. Im a peaceful person by nature but the one way to bring my bad side out is when another male puts his hands on a female in a negative way like that. And honestly thats a good way to assure he wont do it again.

How about giving them a swirly? lol

[Lillylu29]

How about giving them a swirly? lol

all thoe a simple swirly would fit most situations... i think drowing him in a pile of shit would suit him better.....

[DarkChylde]

all thoe a simple swirly would fit most situations... i think drowing him in a pile of shit would suit him better.....

Originally I could've posted a pic of a toilet full of shit but ya know how DGN rules work here, mods wont allow it LOL.

[Hellion]

Originally I could've posted a pic of a toilet full of shit but ya know how DGN rules work here, mods wont allow it LOL.

ahhh yes and I have the perfect pic too,LOL!!(will not post)

[Draco1958]

Problem is is that some women believe they deserve the beating. The "I must have done something wrong" frame of mind. He wouldn't hit me unless I did something to deserve it. He's only doing it because he loves me and is trying to make me a better person. A friend had a friend in a similar situation and that was her mentality about it. On top of that, someone beat his ass when they caught him beating her. The cops were called and she defended her BF and got her defender arrested for assaulting her BF. All I can say is be very careful. I saw a guy spinning his GF by her hair in the middle of the street. I found a cop and told him. His reaction was won't do any good, she'll deny he did anything and then unless we see it directly, we can't do anything. I hope she wakes up and realizes that she is a person and not a possesion that can be abused. People like him deserve an extended hospital stay in traction with a wired jaw.

[Hellion]

Problem is is that some women believe they deserve the beating. The "I must have done something wrong" frame of mind. He wouldn't hit me unless I did something to deserve it. He's only doing it because he loves me and is trying to make me a better person. A friend had a friend in a similar situation and that was her mentality about it. On top of that, someone beat his ass when they caught him beating her. The cops were called and she defended her BF and got her defender arrested for assaulting her BF. All I can say is be very careful. I saw a guy spinning his GF by her hair in the middle of the street. I found a cop and told him. His reaction was won't do any good, she'll deny he did anything and then unless we see it directly, we can't do anything. I hope she wakes up and realizes that she is a person and not a possesion that can be abused. People like him deserve an extended hospital stay in traction with a wired jaw.

Excellent post Draco

I have extreme hatred towards anyone hitting a woman.