Am I being selfish?

[SuZQZ]

Back at Memorial Day, several members of my family had commented how great it would be to go to Mackinaw City for Labor Day weekend. Through the end of June I had asked these people on several occassions, "Are we going or not so I know whether to book rooms and start saving money?" The replies I got were "I don't know", "I don't know how my health will be", "I don't know if we'll want to go", "We have other plans", etc. Now that it is two weeks away my mom, brother, uncle and niece all get a bug up their butts to go. Guess what. I don't have the money. Period. Two days ago my mom asked me if I wanted to go and I told her that I had no money for the hotel room ($850), plus gas ($140), plus food ($400), plus any odds and ends.

Tonight she tells me she needs me to be there to help her. She wanted to know if she pays for the hotel room could I feed my daughter and I. Hello? I know with your disease and failing health you want to go "one more time", but I don't have the money for food and gas. I would have to skip paying my car payment. Then I end up being a month behind and that is very bad news! And honestly, because it was thrown together so half-assed and last minute I don't really feel compelled to go. I would be stressed out the whole time. AAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Am I selfish for not wanting to go, knowing that my mother relies on me to help her physically and because my father's not always on the ball when addressing her needs? Is it selfish of me to think that it's time my brother and his family stepped in to help a little more than a visit? Is it selfish to not want to miss a car payment and then have to try and play catch up for three months with the Christmas season approaching. Is it selfish to just want to hang around home, take my daughter to the Ren Fest and Arts, Beats and Eats, and just hang with her before school starts?

I feel like I am being selfish, but I think they are all selfish for constantly making plans for me, usually not asking first, and then are surprised when once in a hundred times I say NO. And what really gets me is that I already know I will feel guilty and like a shit for not going so I will probably puss out, cave in, pack my bags, not make my car payment and go to Mackinaw.

Pathetic...

/rant

[sass_in_the_pants]

Hotel room is $850! Blarg! Is there nothing cheaper this time of year? Damn Labor Day weekend!!

You are not being selfish.

But to concern yourself with that idea I think misses the point.

I think what the point is here is you are really torn - makes sense - your heart is with your family, but you gots billz to pay.

Honestly, if I were you, I would TRY very, very, very hard to go.

Maybe if your brother understood that your mom needed your help but that you don't have enough money for the trip, then he would be willing to throw in a little bit? Can you ride up with anyone else? Can food costs or hotel costs somehow be reduced for you and your daughter?

I know this isn't your problem - your family threw this at you and you should not have to scramble to figure out how to please everybody. But they did - I know ALL too well the half-assed family plans. Maybe our families both took a page from the same playbook. Deciding to go away for a week at 4 pm the day before you leave is enough of a notice, right? No, mother, it's not. Double blarg.

I don't know your mother's health condition, but it sounds very serious. When you say 'one more time', is her death emminent or likely within the year? I will say this - when my grammy died unexpectedly, I did not regret ONE minute of time I had spent with her, not one dollar I had spent on gas money to get to her place, not one party, event, or otherwise relaxing day I lost and instead chose to spend with her. Not one. While she was alive, I grumbled about it, under my breath and out of her earshot (probably even on these boards), but after her death, the fact that I HAD spent so much time with her, sometimes at great inconvenience to myself was the ONLY thing that provided solace to me. Knowing that there was nothing more I could have done to show her how much I loved her gave me an inner peace that I don't think I would have otherwise gotten.

I would make one more suggestion - that is, if you really can't get this trip to work out, if it's really going to be too much of a hardship, and it is the case that your mother's health is failing rapidly, just make sure to set aside some special time in the near future with you, your daughter and your mother. And let her know that you are doing that because you WISHED that you could have gone to Mackinac, but you couldn't, and would still like to spend that time with her.

It's the time that's important, not the location.

Good luck, Suz. I know you'll figure out what's best.

[creatureofthenyte]

I don't think its selfish to do for You sometimes. You are giving alot of yourself to look after your mom. If they wanted to go, they should have said so when the offer was first made. I think you should remind them of the tremendous endeavor you have quite willingly taken on, by doing what you do for them and by No means, is having some time for you to do for You, selfish. You already have bent over back for them, what the hell more could they want ?

[Oh_My_Goth]

Ahhh Family.....

You do not sound selfish to Me.....

[SuZQZ]

Thanks, Sass. All very good thoughts and insights. I do spend a large part of my day caring for her and her ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease). We are not sure how much longer she will live. She can walk, but her speach is getting harder for her, as is breathing, and her arms and hands are now totally dead weight at her side. She often states that she feels like a marionette with no stings. I love her with all that is in me, she is one of my heros, and everyday I do all that I can do for her to help her and to help her still feel she has a sense of dignity. We are gauging that she will probably keep on this steady and progressive decline phsically for another year, possible two until her body totally betrays her and she dies. She has told me that as soon as she dies I am to move out of her house, not to stay there and take care of my father. Just get my daughter and myself away from him so Jordan is safe. If I screw up my credit, how will I be able to move out?

If only they had said, "Yes. Mackinaw for Labor Day Weekend!" back in June it would have been so much easier. I would have skrimped and saved money to be able to go with no worries of financial problems looming.

Although I often don't feel it, I know she appreciates all that I do for her. Not just taking care of her physically, helping with the toliet, bathing, dressing, etc., but I help her mentally. I always treat her with respect and as the intelligent person she is as this disease does not rob one of their faculties. I act as a buffer between my mom and dad and between my dad and my daughter. If I knew my brother, sister-in-law, two nieces and my uncle could step up to the plate to care for her it would be easier. And I know that my daughter could really use a break from caregiving and the stress dealing with my dad. That's another tik under the "Why I shouldn't go" column.

I don't know. I guess I will take it day by day and see what happens. Nothing more I can do at this point.

[bean]

Good grief!

Things are thrown at you at the last minute and you are being called selfish? You said a long time ago that you would need some notice so you would know to save money.

You are not being selfish. At all.

[SuZQZ]

Thank you all for the feed back. It's just such a rough situation. I love this woman deep in my heart. I will do anything she needs. But if it puts me in a financial hard ship, how can I go with good conscience. I have given up a lot to be by her side through all of this, friends, very dear and special friends and any free time I may have had. But I try not to complain. She was dealt a shitty deal and came up ALS. But I do feel like I am caged in and an afterthought.

If I don't get a solid break for a few days I may snap and have to go on meds like zoloft or something again to just try and cope with it all. I really don't want meds. I'm so wound up lately that I have to use ambien to have any hope of actually getting some sleep rather than tossing and turning and thinking all night.

[taysteewonderbunny]

It is never selfish of you to stick to your grounds on this one. It is selfish of your mother to have ignored your repeated inquiries as to obtaining some kind of confirmation so by which you then could have made the necessary arrangements and THEN have decided that the event is in fact on, your financial obligations and your daughter's well-being be damned. Your parents gave you life. You are not obligated to give it back to them. It is not like you are totally dissing your mother and saying that you don't want to be a part of her life. But it is about time that she realizes that your needs are important too and the relationship that you have with her should not be based in guilt and shame but in real caring. And that means being honest about what she wants in enough time that you can make adjustments so that you can be there without being grossly financially disadvantaged.

[Msterbeau]

As much as I feel for your mom's condition, it can't be a mechanism to guilt you into things you can't afford or otherwise don't want to do for good reason. They didn't commit when you offered the chance to save for it. That's not your fault and it's not being selfish to say no to her.

If you need to vent, you know where to come.

*hugs*

[Miranda]

You have to look at it this way: YOU tried to make this happen months ago by planning it as cost efficiently as possible like normal and rational human beings do. Right there, that, in my eyes excludes you from being with any type of selfish intent or motive.

If you are anything like me, and let yourself be goaded into going on this trip, you will have an awful time. Familial guilt is a very relentless cycle especially when there are actual medical issues not just self-created dramatics. It has to be your call at this point and it doesn't seem feasible according to the finances because you will just strap yourself for money later.

I know you care for your mother very much and you want this trip for her but now it has to be something for possibly another time. This time it's a haphazardly planned trip to Mackinac, what will it be next time? You have to be firm. When I gave my father the: Your familial guilt trips are going to stop now because they simply will not work any longer" years ago, he actually had tears in his eyes. That spoke volumes to me.

Parents realize the power they have over us, and some flex it more than others do. You have to understand , they are human just like anyone else. If my parent's don't give me respect in a situation, they won't get it back, it's not an unconditional thing. My love is, my respect is not.

[sass_in_the_pants]

If I don't get a solid break for a few days I may snap night.

Suz,

My heart, prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

I have seen ALS in my own family, and it is a very, very difficult thing. The pressure on the caretaker is often overlooked. It sounds like you are the only other caregiver aside from your dad? Again, my concern was the time you are spending with her, not the location. And it sounds like you are spending LOTS of time with her, so much so that you are exhausted.

There is NO SHAME OR GUILT IN BEING EXHAUSTED. Nor is there shame or guilt in wanting to spend time with your daughter, or alone.

I know you know that, but I just want to make sure that you KNOW that. Y'know?

Caretaker fatigue is frighteningly common, too often ignored and it can drain a person physically and emotionally in no time. And it definitely sounds like you are experiencing that. And how much good are you to your family if you are exhausted?

Can I ask about your brother for a moment?

It sounds like he's not doing much, is that right?

Has he said why - does he live too far or something?

Does he know how much effort you are putting forth here?

Does he realize how much his mother and sister need his help right now?

I know you didn't write your message hoping people would pry into your life like this - but, even though a weekend with just your daughter would refresh you - it would be back to the same old situation once they get back.

I'm worried that the next two years will become increasingly difficult, especially if your brother doesn't step up.

And then, after your mother has passed, he'll say stuff like 'I should have spent more time with her' and you'll have to cuss him out at the funeral. Very Jerry Springer. Very bad. Let's try to nip this in the bud, shall we?

Do you think your brother would step up, I mean beyond going on this trip? Do you think he'd be able to give you more help? Even just one day a week or so, could he give just a little?

Again, I'm thinking about your mental health long-term here, and it would be nice if you could get a better break than just for a weekend.

Do I know how I know you're a good daughter?

Because in your original post you said you didn't want to go because of your car payment. You didn't say word one about being exhausted. You don't WANT it to be the case that you are exhausted.

Your mother is lucky to have a daughter who cares for her this deeply - and I am glad she appreciates you. It sounds like you two have a very close and loving relationship.

You are a good daughter to her, a good friend, and a good person.

Please don't ever doubt that - don't feel guilty for trying to balance your role as caretaker with your role as mother with your role as, well, YOU.

You are doing the absolute BEST that you can, and in situations like this, effort counts for alot.

You will do what is best and you have friends who will support ANY decision that make in this situation.

Yes, if only they had decided in June.

Triple Blarg.

[taysteewonderbunny]

I can't help but continue to think on you in your quandary. Just know that even though I don't know you, I sincerely hope that things work out for you and the result means more closeness and understanding between you and your family. Best of luck. Be strong. (hugs)

[Shade Everdark]

The ground seems to have been covered already, and as usual, I'm late to the party.

That said, I'll add my voice to the chorus that sings that you are not being selfish in not wanting to go. You offered to start saving, if they commit to planning the trip in advance. They couldn't be bothered, so if it's the choice between your transportation, or hauling yourself up there on their spontaneous whims, then I have to say don't go. I know you do quite a bit for your mother, and want all the time with her you can get, but that choice is no choice at all.

[Msterbeau]

Break for levity: I read the thread title today as: " Am I Being Shellfish"

And I thought: Why yes are are a scrumptious dish...

[Shade Everdark]

Break for levity: I read the thread title today as: " Am I Being Shellfish"

And I thought: Why yes are are a scrumptious dish...

...does that mean she's not kosher?

[TygerLili]

I don't think that you are being selfish at all. But I've been told that I'm selfish because I wouldn't give up a year of my life and everything important to me to move across the country and take care of an ailing family member, rather than having them come to me to be taken care of, so take that as you will.

I understand the guilt you would most likely feel if you decided to skip it, but it seems like your brother's family could look after your mom for this one weekend and give you a break. *hugs*

[Homicidalheathen]

Wow. No your not selfish but reasonable...I think our parents had it easier...easier jobs...better economy...better benefits...they have no idea how hard it is for us now raising kids.

The cost of a pair of kids jeans is 3x as much as it was but they wear out faster? That does not make the tiny jump in minimum wage requirements even to the cost of living...hello!

Hugs.

I feel for you. We are expected to take care of them in our middle age but they don't make it easy do they...sigh...

[LadyKay]

I think they they are being selfish in thinking that you should just drop everything and do whatever they want to do. It's good to take care of others, but you can not neglected your own needs. If they can't understand that you have your own needs to take care of, car payment, and other bill's ect. Then they are the ones who are being selfish.

I have been the main caregiver to a family member and I know how they can guilt you into neglecting your own needs.

[Hellion]

Its just like when you have to pay bills,instead of spending the money on someone like going to a bar/club,movie,upnorth trip,yes the bills come first,because bills do not wait for you to pay them later .if the person does not understand thats there fault not yours,money is tight these days and btw you are not being selfish.

[Msterbeau]

...does that mean she's not kosher?

Depends on which definition of kosher you're using.

[SuZQZ]

Thank you. Thank you all for your support. I cannot possibly express my gratitude and appreciation for your support and comments.

Marc - G*d, do I adore you. Thank you and thank you and thank you. Oh, and thank you again. *HUGZ*

Sass in the Pants - Your post really hit home and brought me to tears with how much you truly seem to understand. Yes. I am exhausted, both physically and mentally; and no, I try not to complain about that. I do what needs to be done. Period. I'm not the one suffering with this awful, wretched disease and being there for my mom means the world to me. As for my brother, he and his family live across the street. They come over after work nearly everyday and help as far as my mom will let them. Usually it's just chatting and keeping my dad from being a prick. My mom is still very self-concious of the way this disease has robbed her of her arms and hands. Only my father or myself can feed her or assist her in the bathroom and showers, etc. She is grasping to what little dignity she has left and it's gut wrenching.

To everyone else, I truly appreciate every single one of you. If it wasn't for my DGN family I don't know what I would do. Again, thank you all for your support.

Update since I originally posted this topic:

On Sunday, as I was feeding my mom, she asked me again that if they paid for the hotel room could I swing gas and food and incidental costs for my daughter and I (Estimate that to be $400 - $600). Then she stated that she really needed me to go so I could help her. Felt like a kick in the stomach. I know she loves me. I have no doubt. But to put it that way instead of saying something like "I want to have this trip with my family..." or "You two will be very missed if you don't go...", etc. So, yeah. Dealing with that, and my answer to going up north is still no.

Today, I get home from work and my father asks me what's going on for Labor Day weekend, is my daughter going to her dad's or going to be with me? I told him I haven't heard from her dad yet on what he's going to do. My father then tells me he's already booked a room for us so we are going. I told him I couldn't go and why, blah, blah, blah.

Then my daughter overheard the conversation and stated that she doesn't even want to go. She said she would have more fun if she and I stayed home... Have I mentioned how much I adore that girl of mine?

So that's where it stands now. I still feel a little bad, like I am abandoning my mom, but my dad can help her with eating and bathroom issues. And my brother and uncle and their families will help keep my dad in line as far as attitude, so I am feeling less guilty about my decision to be financially responsible and looking out for mine and my daughter's future.

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

good for you, my dear. take some VERY diserved you time. Lots of hugs, and lots of love. Though you stick to your decision, I know its a difficult one. Emotionally, anyways. I hope you have a good time. I really do... shit, even if its a quiet weekend at home or something. lol

[Msterbeau]

I'm not feeling a lot in the word department right now. All I know is you get a long, long, long hug when I see you Saturday.

[pomba gira]

I don't know your mother's health condition, but it sounds very serious. When you say 'one more time', is her death emminent or likely within the year? I will say this - when my grammy died unexpectedly, I did not regret ONE minute of time I had spent with her, not one dollar I had spent on gas money to get to her place, not one party, event, or otherwise relaxing day I lost and instead chose to spend with her. Not one. While she was alive, I grumbled about it, under my breath and out of her earshot (probably even on these boards), but after her death, the fact that I HAD spent so much time with her, sometimes at great inconvenience to myself was the ONLY thing that provided solace to me. Knowing that there was nothing more I could have done to show her how much I loved her gave me an inner peace that I don't think I would have otherwise gotten.

I would make one more suggestion - that is, if you really can't get this trip to work out, if it's really going to be too much of a hardship, and it is the case that your mother's health is failing rapidly, just make sure to set aside some special time in the near future with you, your daughter and your mother. And let her know that you are doing that because you WISHED that you could have gone to Mackinac, but you couldn't, and would still like to spend that time with her.

It's the time that's important, not the location.

Good luck, Suz. I know you'll figure out what's best.

Yes. These are exactly my feelings about my great aunt/surrogate grandmother. I spent a lot of time doing for her during her last year, as her health deteriorated rapidly. Her last words to me, as I left her house 8 hours before her passing: "Thank you for everything, Punkin' Babe. You've been so good to me". Having that to remember is worth every second of inconvenience and unpleasantness (by the end I had to lift her and help her with toileting).

That said, I don't think you're being selfish... if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. And you gave your family plenty of opportunity to make reasonable plans. I think Sass's idea for you to spend some time w/your mom & daughter is a good solution that will make you and your mother feel better about things.

[SuZQZ]

I'm not feeling a lot in the word department right now. All I know is you get a long, long, long hug when I see you Saturday.

I can't wait! A gigantic, long hug from you will do wonders and now I really, really can't wait for Saturday.

Update to previous update... We have a new oganization our director volunteered our department to stand up (PIA!!!). It must be up and functioning by 02 SEP 08. We can't get into the area until 29 SEP 08. Our Associate Director told us yesterday that if she has to cancel any scheduled leave for the holiday and have us come in to ensure the job is done it time, she will do it. Turns out I cannot go out of town no matter what now. If she cancels leave I must report for duty, no excuses. This is probably the only time in my life I will be happy that work interfered with my private life. This has solved the question of whether to go up north or not with no guilt involved.