Feedback 02

[DarkVampire]

More feedback I seek this time on a short western story I made today after it flooded my mind.

Its fresh and new so I'm sure there are mistakes.

My link

[Class-Punk]

I have a couple revisions, the second and third are similar.

'"He was hitting on one of the serving wenches as he usually does."'

The 'does' in this line kind of puts it in present tense, it would work better with 'did' at the end.

'Jake gave her a dumbfounded look. "The black horse with a white mark on his forehead. Why would you ask that? Are you going to steal him from me?" He gave a nervous laugh at the audacity of her question.'

It would be better to break up one of the sentences that's not in quotes and put it into its own paragraph.

'"And most importantly of the charges," The woman cut him off, "is being an accessory to the murders that took place at the Hodges Star Ranch in Lawson." Her voice dripped with venom at mentioning the last charge.'

Similar thing here, I'd make the last sentence its own paragraph.

Otherwise its good.

[DarkVampire]

Thanks. Made the fixes in Word. I'll have to fix them online later.

[DarkVampire]

Story 2 of Western Tales uploaded.