Old writings

[beautifullyXdecayed]

~Open heart surgery~

my scars are a reflection of who I am, where I have come from. I do however hide them. you can find them if you like... trace back time and learn the stories of how I became what I am today. you see I was once like you. cold hearted, trying never to show emotion to anyone, staying my own person...

in my own bubble one could say.

all that changed. I moved, I got away from the hell that kept me silent. I opened up, I opened up to you. I ripped my heart out and poured it on the table. only to be kicked around agian once more. I dont think you minded it, I dont think you cared. I dont think you realized just how much your imprint was left upon me. just more scars to add to the storybook. but no longer am I silent. I tell you how I feel just to see if you will react...

you don't.

I cant be cured. I cant escape this fate I have built for myself. I just dont know in the end what the future will hold. your not here anymore. I have spent most of my days dwelling on you. when only to realize that you arent there, your never there...

I am alone, like always.

sure, I have friends people that hold some sort of meaning in my life. none compair to you. none can match your essance, your glow. I dwell on a life we could have together when only to realize that you already lead your life the way you want to. I try to make that life of yours with me only to realize...

Im just being cold.

so plunge the blade in. dont be shy. when I close my eyes dont draw back in hesitation. dont ask me how I am unless you really want to know. dont act like you care unless you want to carry the extra baggage. I know I might not seem bright. I know I might not hold a light up to whatever it is you are used to now a days. But I exist and I feel the pain you give off. dont worry though....

It's just another open heart surgery.

Another scar to add to the list. another story to tell people when they know the real me. no one knows the real me. not like you do. I make up lies and call my scars accidents. why do I hide behind this mask. why do I build a wall around me. the only thing I can blame it on is....

Well, I blame it all on you.

Yet without you I would not be writing what I am. I would not find some sort of reason to exist. sure that sounds pathetic and puny. oddly enough its the truth. so in the end I will give you a hug and a kiss on the cheek and say...

Thank you.

~under sheets~

Tormenting souls between sheets of linen out bodies twist and ravelled revealing our true selfs. our true primitive side. melancholy sets in when the waves of the ocean colored blankets cease and only I am left with a gapping hole. a big portion of my soul has spred it's wings and surpassed me by only leaving me in utter shock beneath the security of comforting cloths. passionate kisses turn into ashes among my lips. the caressing touch cascades into the effortless numbness. the weather never sets the mood anymore. rain just feels like a shower. the sensation has seperated itself from existance. finding comfort in this big empty bed is like being in a tundra, it's cold and there is no one around. I am left to my own self-distruction. the blue sheets remind me too much of you. why did you leave me? was I that wrecked? the scent of you is everlasting it drives my brain to madness. it makes my heart pulsate in excitement only to be rejected by my loneliness. my voice is an echo in this place it travels but not to where you are. and yet somewhere beneath the sheets in the middle of the bed my small figure is huddled in fetal postion to keep myself safe and warm in the darkness. hoping that sooner or later the fire and security will return to the bed to make the light appear. perhaps only under the sheets is this dream possible?

febuary 25th,

left outside the tattered walls, I am left chained to the car filled with trash and silence only to have myself as my own company. realizing I am to be here for a long time without knowledge or even the sign of human flesh. my shoulder blade stings as a rememberance of what pain is like.

(yes, I know it is short the one from last night sort of links to it)

febuary 26th,

Flesh torn from every bit of myself the only thing I wish to renew is my sanity as well as my tattered heart. my head is shattered in weakness from lack of food. thinking of going back to the way things were... pain is a way to ease my sorrow. the smell of dog is defying. strangeness is enraptured by silence. my gifts to you is this emptyless pile of meat that was once identified as a heart. I stuck my fragile fingers into my flesh and through my ribs only to retrieve you this pile of shredded organs for your collection of unwanted. my bones are nothing but bruised pristines linked together by sutures. my abdomine graves attention. I'm cold from within. (I wish I was watching the L word right now) my weakness is distorted. as angry love only spawns from the most malicous hate. I'm set in utter awe by the noise of crickets and random murmers or heartbeats. as still am I. my eyes all a glow to the surroundings of effortless thought. where are you dear muse? where are your kind words? do I fill you with sorrow, pain, hatred, death? why aren't you here when needed? my offerings to you must mean nothing. there is no sign you exist. only wings of lies. I no longer have original words to state. I feel myself running in a loop. there is nothing new to say. I am left speechless at my utter stupidity at this very moment.

[Homicidalheathen]

:tear 'Oy.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

*hug*