A declaration

[Head Wreck]

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

thus > to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and

territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine

whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up

revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix

ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable

levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as like and you know and huh is an unacceptable and inefficient

form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let

Microsoft know on your behalf.

The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the

reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn

your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists

shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled

by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a

gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as

beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's

Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four

Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears

removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one

kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough

will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to

American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty

seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never

mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in

season.

Thank you for your co-operation

[phee]

Yay!!!!!

[EatAjaxAndDie]

lol....omg Head Wreck you rule.

[unchaste]

Why don't we all just move back to merry old England?

[Rayne]

Yay!!! I'm all for it.

[Mikielikesit]

I'm not, I'll murderlize ya come on come on put'em up put'em up.......USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

[Msterbeau]

Fuck that. I'm going to Canada. Candians rule.

[Brenda Starrr]

We'll just move in w/HW.

[Homicidalheathen]

Number 8. If they put any more of those in around town I really am moving. No one knows who goes first or who was on second......oh yah.....no baseball jokes either eh?

[Rayne]

Fuck that.  I'm going to Canada.  Candians rule.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was Canadian once....it was great.

Hehe....I still am...sorta. :grin

[Head Wreck]

roundabouts are easy

give way to right

or in your case left.

mind you some people take silly chances

and thewres allways the dumbass who assumes the guy in front could and has made it into the trafficflow and moved forward *CRUMP* another insurance nightmare

[paradox]

ive seen this before.