Heart Broke again

[Cemetarystarr]

I just had to rant a little....feel free to ignore...

I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago (it will be 4 on monday) after he yet again stole my car, left me at work and didn't come home till 5:45am. THis is the type of shit i put up with for damn near 2 years. He even took back the engagement ring 3 times before his whore of a sister stole it. I know i'm MUCH better off with out him in every aspect of my life.....so why do i feel like shit??

I had been doing sooooo good, i had not called him, i had not cried, i had barely even thought of him....then last sunday i saw him in kmart with two bitches... He waved at me with this incredibly smug look on his face and all i could do was turn away and try not to cry...i even called my best friend and had her calm me down...to little avail. The next day, i could not stop my self and i called him....then i cried hysterically (at work) for an hour and a half....and then a good chunk of the night. Then he called me the next day saying he was going to new york for a week and if i wanted my Skinny Puppy cd back i had to come get it that night. So i did. And we talked a little, mostly feeling each other out for how "over" each other we were. He mentioned (after i made a joke) about how he had gotten laid, and i noticed a note taped to his fridge from some hoodrat thanking his mom for letting her spend the night.....

And now it is like my heart is breaking all over again. I know i deserve better and am way better off with out him...but it hurts so much i can't breathe. Did he really have to tell me he had already fucked someone else???? I haven't. And yes i did post that message about trying to seduce my friend....but i don't really know if i would have gone thru with it...or if it was just the vodka and my being horny talking. LIke maybe if i get laid it will prove i am over him and have moved on. And then the stupid note on the fridge....did he REALLY need to leave that up there so i would see it??? Was he rubbing my face in it ??? Or is he that selfish that he just didn't think about it? As far as New York goes....the only places we ever went was up north to my families or the ONE day trip to Toledo Zoo that I PAID FOr. HEll i paid for EVERYTHING!!! Its a fukin wonder i didn't have to pay for the ring he gave me for fuck sake.... ANd yet as i sit in my little trailer with only my cats and rabbit to talk to....i miss him....i miss curling up in bed with him and having him just hold me...he used to tell me that was the best place in the world...curled up with me....said he could do it forever....which is apparantly a year and a half. I mean...i was the one who dumped him in the end....but how much emotional abuse and manipulation can one person handle???? Was he trying to send me to the nut house...again??? I loved him more than anyone else in the world and it was like it was his personal job to shit all over me... and yet again....i miss him....

Am i just that fucked up that i am not truly happy unless i am misserable? Do i need a certain measure of pain in my life in order to feel pleasure??? i thought thats why i have tattoos and piercings...maybe im wrong....maybe my life has just programed me to seek out people hell bent on distroying me..... I wish i could just remove my heart and put it in a glass case and become cold...so that i didn't have anything to break and i wouldn't let people get close enouph to hurt me. I wish i was the tin man.....if you have no heart, it can not be broken...

[Scary Guy]

"Do i need a certain measure of pain in my life in order to feel pleasure???"

Pinhead would say yes

Being void of all emotion and feeling isn't any fun. I should know.

[Homicidalheathen]

I don't know how old you are but the guy still lives with mom, sleeps around and rubs it in your face....can't make up his mind what the hell he wants.......loves drama......

Was the sex good or what?

Sorry, but you know? Loose the looser. Don't loose your heart or mind to some ass hole.

[Scary Guy]

I don't know how old you are but the guy still lives with mom

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

HEY! I resemble that remark

[Homicidalheathen]

Yah but your sweet Scary and would not treat a woman this way.

[Onyx]

You are hurting because you still have a heart. It's as simple as that.

It will hurt less in time (just went through this recently too).

[Angel]

Sorry to hear all this..

Believe me, I know where you're coming from.

What they say is true, though... Every day, you wake up and it hurts a little less. Then one day, you wake up and it doesn't hurt at all.

Sad thing is, getting over something like this isn't exactly a quick process..

For what its worth, if you need to talk to someone about anything, my AIM/mail is under my profile.. Dunno if its needed, but hell, never hurts to offer I guess..

At any rate, I hope you feel better about this soon..

Sucks when bad things happen to decent people.

[pharoh]

Wow Cemetary it sounds like your bout as hurt as I am over my ex, my appologies.....if you need to talk, just hit me up on my aim or send me a pm ok? trust me we got alot in common in this area

[Steven]

ok people, we seem to have some very common threads weaved in and out of this board regarding ex's, broken hearts, why why why's, etc, etc, etc.

Let's ask ourselves a foundational Question first:

WHAT ARE WE WORTH?

I ask this because it pains me to see so many people who have given themselves over emotionally and spiritually to ......Assholes. Takers. Liars. Theives.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that one..."I miss the love of my life, but he or she was a peice of shit - but I miss the smell of shit soooooo bad" what does that say about us? We've got low self esteem?

And if we do (have low self esteem) - why is it exactly that we cannot or will not shoot for higher quality people in our lives? Why do we not INSIST on simply being treated good?

Because if we do we will get cancer and die?

A meteor the size of Waren will drop out of the cosmos and land on our heads?

Our ass will explode all over the sidewalk thus revealing our inner selves? What? What? What?????

Why is it exactly that we dont ask for more?????

So when we're travelling down that road again folks - that one where bad relationships are what we're wasting our time and resources with, let's stop and ask oursleves why that's ok with us. We can use questions like these:

1) Why is it ok to lie to me?

2) Why is it ok to intentionally create pain in me?

3) Why does what is important to me - not worthy of your listening ear?

4) Why don't I just shove a live porcupine right up my ass?

5) Why dont I take me a nice littel nappy-poo in the middle of Ford Rd?

.... hope that helps. Cause we got us a good old fashioned sad sack epidemic going on.....

[DisturbedMania]

Well, I am living with my ex until

A) I can't take it anymore

or

B) His car gets fixed and he doesn't need to borrow mine for work anymore

He has for the last month put me through emotional hell while he flip flops between wanting to be with me and wanting to be single. He's been completely unfair and has brought girls to the apartment while I wasn't home. Until I leave I do still live there! I hurt everyday coming home and looking around the apartment, everytime I see him. It shouldn't be much longer though before I move out unless my sister randomly got pissed off at me and I can't live with her. I think even if I can't I'll go back to the homeless thing. It was easier. It sucks not having an address though.

[Steven]

Well, I am living with my ex until

A) I can't take it anymore

or

B) His car gets fixed and he doesn't need to borrow mine for work anymore

He has for the last month put me through emotional hell while he flip flops between wanting to be with me and wanting to be single.  He's been completely unfair and has brought girls to the apartment while I wasn't home.  Until I leave I do still live there!  I hurt everyday coming home and looking around the apartment, everytime I see him.  It shouldn't be much longer though before I move out unless my sister randomly got pissed off at me and I can't live with her.  I think even if I can't I'll go back to the homeless thing.  It was easier.  It sucks not having an address though.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

sorry to hear that your in such a tough situation, hope that monetarily it changes for you enough to get out of a bad environment. I know its not that simple, but I'd rather live in a paper sack than live in hell. I wish you peace.

Steve

[JaneDead]

well that sure is a whole lot of bullshit for one person to handle i would say.

back and forth and then when your heart is still raw you are right back in the game with him again for another round.

why do you feel like shit you ask? well because you are treated like shit. and why are you treated like shit? sorry to say but you are letting yourself be treated this way.

i know you love him but a person who would do these things is not reciprocating that love. that's not to say he doesn't deserve love too, because he does. he just doesn't deserve this devotion from you.

if you can say you are better off with out him, why can't you allow yourself to FEEL you are better off with out him? or KNOW you are better off without him?

and before you think it is all easier said than done- i know. i went through my own bad relationship before. and i used to hate him and love him at the same time, and blame him and people felt sorry for me and then people just wanted to avoid talking to me about it period. because it was a pattern. it was a pattern that he AND i created. i was always blaming him- but i was never realizing my part in all of it.

he treated me like shit, sure. but i let him. how did i let him? i stayed. i put up with it. i took him back. i felt bad for him. i wanted to help him. i wanted him to need me. but all it did was break me. i was not really me anymore. i was this new person that i didn't even want to know anymore. because it seemed i didn't have any respect for myself. i mean, if i did have respect for myself why would i put up with this kind of treatment??

And now it is like my heart is breaking all over again.

and you know what- every time you allow him back into your life in any little way it will always feel like your heart is breaking all over again. because you have not healed. you have not learned. and you still haven't changed this pattern with him.

Did he really have to tell me he had already fucked someone else???? I haven't.

you know what- yes he did have to tell you that. you know why? because he is getting exactly what he wants. and he is keeping you right where he wants you to be and you are staying right in that place.

think of it this way- it is almost as if he has created a little spot for you. and once you start to get out of that spot he will find ways to put you back there, as long as you let him. does that make sense? when it happened to me i described it to my ex like he had me on a leash. he didnt' want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me. so he would tell me things to upset me and make sure i still 'cared'.

that is the great art of human manipulation. once you have figured out all the ways you are being manipulated, you can learn how NOT to let people use that against you.

And yes i did post that message about trying to seduce my friend....but i don't really know if i would have gone thru with it...or if it was just the vodka and my being horny talking. LIke maybe if i get laid it will prove i am over him and have moved on.

i don't think you would have gone through with it. and if you had you would have felt horrible afterwards. i am happy for your sake it didn't happen. i think by trying to be with someone else you were trying to prove alot of things to yourself. that you were over him, that someone else could want you/love you, that you could be happy with someone else, or that maybe you could even just have sex with someone and not care about it ... you would have tried to prove these things but you wouldn't have succeeded. because you want more than that. and you deserve more than that and you now need to figure out what you need to do to get the things you need and deserve.

HEll i paid for EVERYTHING!!!

if this is true then this proves once again he was not reciprocating. at all. it was all give give give on your part. he must have learned that early on and quite possibly this behavior was part of the foundation of your relationship.

I mean...i was the one who dumped him in the end....but how much emotional abuse and manipulation can one person handle????

answer- only as much as you allow yourself to take

Was he trying to send me to the nut house...again??? I loved him more than anyone else in the world and it was like it was his personal job to shit all over me... and yet again....i miss him....

do you ever stop and think why?

why would i love someone so much that doesn't love me?? jsut because he doesn't love you doesnt mean you are not loveable! just because he doesnt know how to treat you doesnt mean you should not be with someone who treats you like a woman, a friend, an equal, a person even.

and honestly, i don't think he is "out to get you" or anything like that. he is not making it his life's work to "shit on you again". you are just letting it happen! and he is NOT going to stop as long as you are who you are with him.

i am not saying it will be easy to get through this. it's not! breakups are hard whether the person was good for you or not. when it is a matter of your heart you can't very well tell it to stop caring. or to stop hurting. or to stop trying. but you can take control of your life and not let this keep happening to you. you need to be strong enough to care about yourself. to want more for yourself. to respect yourself.

Am i just that fucked up that i am not truly happy unless i am misserable? Do i need a certain measure of pain in my life in order to feel pleasure???

i don't believe this at all. i think because this is all you know, this is all you think you are capable of. you still have yet to learn what true happiness can mean to you. and you have to realize you are NOT going to find it in someone else or your relationship with them. yo uhave to find it in yourself. and if you aren't doing that you are liking to go off and be with someone else who helps you continue this pattern of abuse. and you know what, it is abuse. it is mental abuse. it is fucking with your mind. it is making you think things that aren't true. it is making yo ufeel you don't deserve happiness or good things in life to make you happy. you do. we all do. you just have to stop doing the things that make you feel like shit.

maybe my life has just programed me to seek out people hell bent on distroying me.....

if you know this- you can change it. if you have programmed yourself to attract people to you that are poison then you can change that. hell, anyone can change that. but you have something a lot of people don't have- the knowledge that you feel programmed to do this to yourself. now you need to seek the knowledge and resources to change this pattern.

sorry for my huge rantings here. i normally don't even bother with people's relationship issues. not because i don't care but normally i think people just don't have a clue.

but i read your post and i thought this is obviously a young girl who is dying inside and doesn't know how to come up for air. she doesn't know that she has all the power she needs inside of herself to get out of this situation- she just doesn't know where to start.

well i'd say the first step is to REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY.

no phone calls, no brief chats/emails/im's. don't look at pictures. don't try to find out about what he is doing or with whom.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF. focus on how you can be complete and whole and happy and alive and healthy and free without him.

you will never be happy with him. and that is not your fault and it is not his fault. it is just the way you two are when you are together. he has a certain behavior flaw and you have one too. and you enable it in each other.

sorry too if i have said anything that people have already said. i admit i didn't read anyone else's replies before posting mine.

ok again- the main thing here is REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR LIFE. i can not stress that enough. if you do not, it will make this process a whole HELL Of a lot longer and more involved than it needs to be. don't let him call you. change your number if you have to. cuz believe me, when you don't call him- he will call you. and it won't be cuz he wants you. it will be to make sure you still want him. and then you will be back in that little spot he has created for you all over again.

you are a young woman. i don't know what you want to do with your life, what your plans are, marriage? kids? i don't know. that is not even important really.

what is important is that you need to stand up for yourself and have enough self-respect to not be treated this way by him or anyone you will ever encounter.

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

one of my favorite quotes. and it is true.

[Aralis]

To be blunt your ex sounds like a complete insensitive asshole! You are better off without him and you deserve so much better.

I know its hard when you get use to someone and having them around. It sucks to be alone and go thru changes but I am sure you can find somone who will appreciate you and treat you a heck of alot better than him.

Sometimes we overlook the bad and shitty and just deal with it just to have someone around to cuddle with and share life with. Its hard to make or accept change when your comfortable and set in your environment.

[Cemetarystarr]

thank you everyone for listening to my whiney ass....I know i deserve better and i know one day it will stop hurting....it just sucks really bad right now. He was the first person i was truly madly in love with.... and right now it just feels like something is missing...im used to him being there, always.....even when i didn't really want him there. ANd i am young...im only 22, and my life has only just begun. (is that a word???) I just wish there was a magick spell to erase all the memories of him.... oh well..... one day i will look back on this and laugh at how young and stupid i was. :laughing

[Killer_Bunnie]

unfortunatly I think everyone has to go through what you did, its a part of life and it makes us each the person we are supposed to be. we listen and understand becase we have been there, it sucks, and everything has its ups and its downs, but that is in your blueprints. I'm only 25 and I've been a widdow for almost a year, everything has a reason, you learned things from him, cherish everything, good or bad. when you do look back on this, you should look at it and smile because you will be better from the experience.

[JaneDead]

thank you everyone for listening to my whiney ass....I know i deserve better and i know one day it will stop hurting....it just sucks really bad right now.  He was the first person i was truly madly in love with.... and right now it just feels like something is missing...im used to him being there, always.....even when i didn't really want him there.  ANd i am young...im only 22, and my life has only just begun. (is that a word???) I just wish there was a magick spell to erase all the memories of him....   oh well..... one day i will look back on this and laugh at how young and stupid i was.  :laughing

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

part of your missing him is not only missing him- it is missing that familiar, content feeling you have with him. even if things aren't "good" at least they are "familiar".

you probably won't look back and laugh. this is a tough time for you no matter what. but hopefully you will look back and have learned.

[Saephyr]

thank you everyone for listening to my whiney ass....I know i deserve better and i know one day it will stop hurting....it just sucks really bad right now.  He was the first person i was truly madly in love with.... and right now it just feels like something is missing...im used to him being there, always.....even when i didn't really want him there.  ANd i am young...im only 22, and my life has only just begun. (is that a word???) I just wish there was a magick spell to erase all the memories of him....   oh well..... one day i will look back on this and laugh at how young and stupid i was.  :laughing

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It will always suck when someone we love leaves us babe. being young leaves you open to HUGE possabilities! The Magick is inside everyone. Use the pain to strengthen your inner self. Find out what you've learned about YOU." the comb that life gives us when we've lost all of your hair is called...wisdom". I got married to my manslut when i was 22 and divorced when I was 24. I had nieces & nephews, bought a home, was made a Guardian to 4 wonderful girls, had loads of fun at the wedding even. The divorce party was damn cool...can u imagine it...his family came!!! :laughing

married again years later and had the love of my life. Husband & besr friend, 2 sons from his former wife, brothers, nieces & nephews again, another set of parents, traveling, exploring life, and having the best time ever! Our boy passed away, which was supposed to happen, then I got very ill. It was too much to ask of him to stay.

Opened another relationship right when the divorce occured and had been with him until just recently. Know why the man I love isn't here now... religeous differances Lutheran vs. Pagan just like the old times...like over 500 years of learning :whistling

So take this pain and use it. It's now something for you to observe, take note from, cit up straight and laugh at the positives because honey the negatives will beat u down and harm you. Improve yourself and make the sucker drool! ALWAYS feels better than being a sad sack. Hell I walked around City Club Saturday crying, drinking and dancing. Know what saved my ass...

MY DGN FAMILY RANDOMLY KISSING AND HUGGING ME ALL NIGHT LONG.

I owe you a hug and a kiss when we finally meet.

[Brenda Starrr]

I wouldn't hug you if I didn't love you.

Cemeterystarr.....

What Saephyr said is right. I've been through some hard times, as have lots of us here. What doesn't kill us just makes us stronger. Keep your chin up.