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I was divorced in 2003. Wife walked out on me in 2000. I have always had self doubts before I got married. So even though I was happy when I got married, I always felt like the shoe would drop so to speak. 5 months after my mom had a stroke putting her in a nursing home, my wife walked out. She tried to make it sound it was all my fault but her argument for the divorce made me mad. All the things she pointed out as the reason were changes she made during the marriage. Changes she wanted including no more sex but she was going to find me a girlfriend. That didn't happen and I must admit I really didn't want that anyway. The real reason she left was the fact that my mom didn't remember her name after the stroke. True 11 years married you wouldn't expect that but my mom didn't even remember my name. Additionally my mom was living with us and helping with the bills. So once her social security went to pay the nursing home, she got mad. Basically she stomped off like a little child. So the feelings of inadequacy flooded me. Other than short term dating a few times I have basically been single since 2000. And now with medical issues and no funds, I figure I will die a lonely old man. As outspoken in groups as I can be, when approaching a woman to express interest scares the crap out of me. It takes a lot of effort to do that so when turned down, it really rips at my heart and soul.

Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. Currently not having income and going for disability I question as to whether I could take care of a partner. Would I be good for her or not. So being single is ok. But then when you go to bed alone and wake up alone, being single sucks. I miss waking up and being able to say good morning beautiful. And it sucks because sometimes you meet someone you want to take a chance with and you put yourself and your feelings out there and end up feeling unworthy because of their reaction. Then all you want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head and never wake up. You start to question your value to others, whether is it even worth being around. You start to wonder if you just disappeared would you even be missed. Some nights when you go to bed you pray not to wake up. So being single is mixed for me. I find it difficult to approach someone to let them know I am interested in them. So if I do that, it means I see something special in them, something I want to explore, find commonality, learn from the differences. So because of that, rejection tears into me like a dull knife. It hurts deeper than I can put into words. I could explain more but suffice to say I know I am not the worst choice a girl could make.