I don’t know. Part of me thinks that it’s easier to watch them hurt when they are alive because they are still there. You can hug them and touch them and let them know that you care and all of that goodness. When they’re gone, you no longer have control. You can’t tell them. They can’t physically be in front of you and hear you saying these words. They’re not physically in front of you so that you can hug them and feel that warmth. Honestly, it’s difficult and it’s terrifying and it’s so fucking final. I just don’t think I ever expected this to happen. And while he and I hadn’t spoken in about 10 years, this community is what brought me here. This community that he created, for whatever reason he chose to do it, and those reasons are only known to him. But if it wasn’t for DGN, I wouldn’t be here. My life wouldn’t be as amazing as it actually is. I would never have met my husband, nor would I have had this many friends upon arriving here, over 16 years ago. I can’t believe it’s been over 16 years since I moved here with my kids.
But I understand what you’re saying, and what you’re feeling. I have been there a few times. And it doesn’t get any easier. It just gets different.