Have You Been Accused Of "using" Someone?

[DeadBurgerKing (10)]

How do you tell if someone is "using" you? Can you? Or is it just an acusation that you place on someone because you give more than you recieve in return?

I have been blamed of this way too often. I'm sorry I can't physically return anything...I'm not capable. But if given the chance my freindship is very rewarding. But apparently this isn't good enough for some.

Ever since I've ended up in the wheelchair, I've bummed rides from people, borrowed money, and asked for physical help in areas. Unfortunatly I don't have the resources to return the favor in the same way. Alternatively, I offer my freindship, advice, my loyality and my heart in return. Isn't that good enough? Or do you need to return the exact same thing in order not to be "using" someone?

This is why I'm always worried to ask for a favor. This is why I'm self concious and worried I'm becoming a burden when I ask for help. Because alot of people are not patient enough to wait and see what I have to offer them. I can't flash out my money, or drive by in my car and pick you up...that makes me a "user"?!

How the hell do you prove to someone that you're not "using" them if you have no material posessions to offer, but only your freindship and loyality, which takes time to see?

[Slept with ghost]

its hard to prove that you arent

people are used to getting fucked over so even though you might not be the idea you are there may be there

if you get a chance and have extra money offer your friends dinner or something along those lines to try and put that idea in the back of their head

[sass_in_the_pants]

I actually think this is a great question, and one that more people should ask themselves. As you said, you don't have the resources to return the favor in the same way. The solution then is to still return the favor, albeit in a completely different and unexpected way. Are you sure there is NOTHING you can do to show your friends how much you appreciate them? There has to be SOME thing you can offer your friends so that they know how much you love them.

Do you remember them on special days? Call them or drop them a note in the mail on their birthdays? When I got married, a very dear friend of mine who lives in Saudia Arabia could not be there. But the day after the wedding, I checked my messages and there was a text message from her, sent at 6 pm the day of my wedding and it read "I know you won't read this until tomorrow, because right this second, you are walking down the aisle, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and G., I'm imagining how beautiful you look, and how happy you two will be. Congratulations and I love you both."

Do you know how touching that was? She's something like 7 hours ahead, so it was 1 am, (she's a night owl, so she's up at all hours), but here she was thinking of me at 1 in the morning on my wedding day. And as far as cost goes, it was probably 25 cents to send that message. But it showed that she was thinking of me, and that's the key. You need to let your friends know that you are thinking of them, not just when you need something.

There are SO many other things, too. Speaking again of weddings, a friend of ours snapped a picture of me and G. at some parties, about a year before we got married. And so, for our gift (the girl's totally broke), she got us a picture frame and gave us those pictures. So sweet! She held on to those pictures for a year so that she could give them to us on our wedding. I'm a knitter, so the girls I knit with gave me all of their extra yarn, needles, and all of that. My husband is a scientist, so one friend embroidered 'his and hers' pillowcases with the amino acid strings for testosterone and estrogen. How thoughtful is that!

A friend of mine who was giving me rides while my car was in the shop - while she was out, her roommate gave me the keys to her car and I got the oil changed for her (at her oil change place), put new windshield wiper blades on the car, filled the gas tank, and got the car washed. She was floored! My one friend in Boston, she mails me candy and funny newspaper articles, and knitting patterns all the time. It costs her next to nothing in time and money, but it shows that she is thinking of me.

So I guess my point is, if you don't want them to think they are being used, instead give them no choice but to think that they are appreciated and well-liked by you. It doesn't have to take alot of time or money.

[pomba gira]

I'm going to second Sass in the Pants' advice. It's so important to let people know, in a tangible way, that they have your "freindship, advice, my loyality and my heart". It doesn't have to take a lot of money or physical effort... it's more important that your gift or message is something that expresses the relationship between you & that person, & shows that they're in your thoughts all the time, not just when you need something from them. The cheapest little dollar store knick-knack can be special if given with "hey I saw this & it reminded me of the other day when we talked about...". Personally I like sending cards (actual snail mail cards, not e-cards) cos you can make them really personal by decorating them with stickers or whatever, and you can tuck little gifts inside them... whether it's more stickers, or a picture you drew, or a poem you did on nice paper in fancy calligraphy. Anything that says "I took the time to do this just for you". There are all kinds of little things you can do to help friends... something as simple as making reminder calls to someone who always forgets important appointments could make a big difference to that person. Maybe you're visiting a friend & notice a big pile of laundry in the corner. "Hey, bring those over here & I'll fold some of them for you". The key point to the helping-out thing is not waiting to be asked... you have to actively look for ways you can help and take the initiative to offer.

These are all just examples... the important thing is that YOU find your own ways of doing little things to let people in your life know they're appreciated and valued... valued for themselves & not just for the things they do for you.

[phee]

I actually have never been accused of using another person

[TygerLili]

I know someone who is 59 years old and has been a quadriplegic since birth. Sharon has very limited use of her right arm and no use of her left arm or legs. She went to college and got her teaching degree and works part time as a substitute teacher.

Sharon's managed this by having a roommate and caretaker, Linda, since she was eighteen years old. Linda helped Sharon physically get ready and get to class, and they've been together ever since. Linda does not accept money for helping Sharon with the physical parts of her life. Instead they pool their incomes, and Sharon manages all their expenses and plans. She keeps track of their bank accounts and their spending. She gets on the phone or the computer to do things like book their appointments, make travel plans, keep track of when the house or the car or whatever needs maintenance. Linda says it's like having her own personal secretary.

Linda works as a teacher, and everyday she brings Sharon into school with her and most days they set up a sub-job for Sharon so she can teach. If there's no sub-job available, Sharon stays in Linda's classroom and acts as a teacher's aide, helping kids with their homework and what not. They've been together for over 40 years now, and honestly, I don't think either would get by very well without the other.

The point is, even if you need help physically getting around, there are always things you can come up with to help out the person who helped you, and it doesn't always have to be monetary assistance.

[DeadBurgerKing (10)]

Thanks that's all good advice and I'll always keep it in mind..but what about those you've only known for a short while?

Like this one girl I was freinds with, she gave me rides to events and hung out a few times. The only thing I had the time to do for her was stand up 4 her. Alot of people dislike her and when they bad mouthed her to me, I'd always stand up 4 her. I'd tell them: "She's actually a good person if you got to know her" or "she doesn't mean any harm" or "she's a good freind of mine"...something telling them to just give her a chance cause alot of people misunderstand her and think she's being self righteous...and I'd tell her about how and why those people feel the way she does and I'd try to give her advice to get people to chenge their opinions...

But it was pointless...I invited her to a show that I was invited to and could get myself and the person that brought me in for free, I was going to pay for gas and a few of her drinks to show my appreciation...but she accused me of using her...saying the only reason I wanted to go with her was so she could give me a ride and that's all...she didn't even give me the chance to tell her that I was paying for everything...

I have never used anyone in my life...nor would I want to...I have been used a few times before...I know how it feels...and I would never put someone through that kind of act...

[Troy Spiral (13)]

"how do you know if they are..."

Basically i tend to think your not being used unless you feel like you are. Even if the person thinks they are using you, if your enjoying yourself and/or don't know they are idiots, in the end its not really a problem unless you choose to make it one.

"What to do if they unfairly accuse you..."

Gooood luck. I've not ever been directly accused of this but indirectly i was once and it really made me feel bad/frustrated. I tried very hard to fix the situation but i think i was getting blamed for every jackass for the last 10 years that they had run across. Really difficult to work around that sort of thing. =(

"Why? How?"

In general i'm rarely ever in a situation were i could get blamed for such a thing since its difficult for me to ask for help. Even after people offer various things (rides, money, random help, sex or whatever) i still feel a lingering doubt in my mind "are they going to think im rude or ungreatful somehow?" So i end up , often just hiding out and/or not accepting. Which, even that can be seen as negative. Can't win.

I hate the idea that people might think bad of me. Unfortunately being , a fairly 'public' person i unintentionally have rubed people the wrong way in the past.

But its certianly not for lack of trying to come off in a positive way. All you can really do is try your best not to be a jerk, and hope its appreciated.

[DeadBurgerKing (10)]

That's still challenging though...sigh...