Help With The Fam...

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

the first time I cut myself I was about 11-12 years old, and only recently have I given up my addiction to the horrible act... for about 2-3 years in late highschool/early college I suffered from an eating disorder - I am now fully recovered from self-mutilating and eating disorder and am a recovering drug addict...

Now my problem is is that I have just found out that my cousin (who lives in Connecticut) has recently been diagnosed anorexic and has been a cutter for the past two years and I talked to her today and tried to give some words of advice...

I know how she feels because I've been there and I know she was listening but if she was anything like me in the back of her head she's prolly thinking "Yea... whatever... I'm different... blah, blah, blah..."

I am going to be talking to her some more and going out to see her in January... anyone have any ideas as how to approach this better?? She has the tools to get help and get threw this, I didn't - I just want to help her with out sounding like I'm lecturing...

[Msterbeau]

If you're a recovering addict, (I am too.) then you know you have to let her do it when she's ready. You've shown her that she's not alone. it may take time for her to process that and come back for more advice/info. I think the hardest thing for us (recovering addicts) to do is to let people do their own recovery.. or not.

I'll keep her in my thoughts.

[Steven]

If you're a recovering addict, (I am too.) then you know you have to let her do it when she's ready. You've shown her that she's not alone. it may take time for her to process that and come back for more advice/info. I think the hardest thing for us (recovering addicts) to do is to let people do their own recovery.. or not.

I'll keep her in my thoughts.

Very well stated (I am too)

Before you can teach anybody anything, you have to fist be a safe place for them to fall. And that takes time.

[Homicidalheathen]

Maybe you could just tell her about your own experiences......sometimes that is all a person needs to hear, to know they are not alone and that people do grow out of it.

[Nevaeh]

sometimes just being there and being an unjudging ear helps alot..i know i will only make a change when i am good and ready to in my own time...but its always a big help to have someone there who understands what i'm going through

[saechalyn]

I just want to help her with out sounding like I'm lecturing...

The best way to do this, I've found, is to share your own experiences. The old rule of "show, don't tell" applies here. Don't just tell her you understand, SHOW her you understand by talking about what happened to you. Encourage her to talk and try not to be too quick to give advice in the beginning. Becoming open to advice is a process, and sometimes it's a slow one.

Take anything she says and use it as an opportunity to encourage her to talk more. Value her opinions and her own feelings about what's happening. Even though you're in a position to possibly know things about her situation that she might not see, she doesn't yet have that clarity, and you'll go much farther if you resist the urge to give advice until/unless she asks for it. Like for example:

Person A: My parents made me see a doctor cause I'm not eating.

Person B: Well I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but that's the best thing for you.

This, while true, will probably make her shut down, think you don't understand, you are on "their" side, etc etc. Instead try

Person A: My parents made me see a doctor cause I'm not eating.

Person B: Do you think you need to see a doctor?

Person A: NO!

Person B: I remember when my parents did that to me. I was so pissed!

*Hopefully* then she will ask questions about what happened next, and this will open up a dialogue. In that scenario, there's nothing for her to attack. When you share your own experiences, there's nothing for her to get defensive about and argue against.

Also know that you can't help anybody who doesn't want to be helped. Be there, offer what you can, but she also has to accept it. She has to get to a place where she can accept help, and unfortunately she has to get there on her own. Good luck!

[Klaus]

I dont know what exactly to say except agreeing with the above, realte your own experiences and what you went through while still listening to what she has to say

[littlepinkkitty]

yeah i think listening to her is a really good way to show her your there for her. Think about why you had those issues and talk to her about why you did...tell her why you stopped. IThis is just my opinion but i think that cutting yourself and having a eating diorder is to make someone who feels dead inside more alive. when their body is reacting to not eating or bleeding they feel something... a pain that isnt emotional but physical and it is a distraction. I had destructive habits in high school....i had ppl there for me but no matter how many ppl told me they were there for me i still felt alone and depressed....so i started bowling, it may sound stupid but i would take all of my frustration and anger and take it out on those pins. I would start having fun and meeting new ppl who enjoyed being around me and i felt better about myself. I think sometimes when we are hurting ourselves the only one who can save us is ourselves....we just have to find who we are before we can do that