Advice?

[AngelusErro]

Without going into too much painful detail... I came out of an abusive relationship, with someone who lies about every teeny aspect of thier lives. I personally think there is severe mental illness present, that needs to be adressed by his family.

I finally had to come to the realization that I shared my life with someone, for two years, that I don't even know. Nothing that ever came out of his mouth was true. I had to realize that I struggled to maintain a relationship with the ghost of a non-existant man. I argued for days, over figments of his imagination, and got my ass kicked, over make believe situations.

The "leaving him" part was insane^10. Harassment, police, hospitals, the whole nine.

For the past six months, occasionally the harassment starts up again, again involving police, etc...

Everyone who knows me suggests I go into some kind of counceling to help deal with the abuse aspect of the relationship. They seem to think I cannot handle it on my own.

I have been doing a lot of introspection in the past six months. I have changed completely, because of everything I endured over the past two and a half years. I think I have changed for the better. I am more confident, honest, strong willed. I have begun to trust my intuition more and more, discovering I have pretty damn good, and acurate observational skills.

But I keep getting warnings, that someday the "pain" is going to sneak up on me, and take me over. I haven't cried over the things he did to me. I haven't shed a tear for the things I have lost because of him. The last time I was even slightly sad over the situation, was the day I left him, because I was so overwhelmed by "ok, what now?" What scares some of my friends, is my ability to laugh when I tell some of the more horrible stories. They fear I am detached, and disaffected. I sometimes worry about that myself. When I think about, or talk about the events of my life. I see "me" as only a character, and it is not the same "me" that is talking right now. So, what happened to "her", is about as relavant to "me", as an emotionally inspiring song/movie/book/whatever.

I have done a LOT of healing lately, by contacting anyone, and everyone involved in the situation. Women he cheated with, ex friends, co-workers, his family. I am on this quest for the truth. I think it is helping me, to at least know the real person I gave so much to. With each new confirmation, I feel a little less crazy for feelings I had back then, and a little more proud of myself for holding together through such insanity. Again I get warnings, that I should just drop it and move on.

Is that really the right thing to do? Is that really the more mentally and emotionally healthy rout?

I would appreciate any advice, people in similar situations, or people who have overcome trauma in their past. Or even people who want to call me stupid for still hanging on to this horrible era in my life. I am a big girl, I can take it.

(also, on the off chance that anyone knows what and who I am talking about, and has something to add to my quest for the reality behind the smoke and mirrors. I would appreciate it. I am not perfect, I did some things, that I am not proud of in that final battle. I have no problem talking about it, or sharing the truth as far as I know, with anyone willing to ask.)

[creatureofthenyte]

Whatever you feel you need to do,

in order to put that painful time period behind you,

do it.

As long as it rids you of it forever...

An excorcism of sorts perhaps.

[Burrich1]

I came out of a psychologically abusive relationship about 2 years ago with someone who lied about every aspect of their life also. Except for one small incident which may have been an accident, however, it was not physically abusive, but I think I understand some of what you are going thru. We dated for a year before I finally had enough, and couldn't take it anymore.

I'm one of those people who constantly notice patterns in things and peoples behavior and make connections between things that go on in the past and things happening presently. I guess before I dated this chick, I never realized how much I must do this and how important it is to my mental well being. Over time with this chick (whom I come to find out after the fact was a manic depressive schizophrenic who refused to take her medication) I felt like I was going insane because things wouldn't "add up" if you know what I mean. This was due to the elaborate background of lies she had for every aspect of her life, but also just her normal everyday actions and how they wouldn't correspond to what she would "preach."

We would have the same conversations time and time again, and she was a master of reassurances, but it was "all talk and no cowbell." I probably wasn't the most emotional stable person at the time, and had recently been abandoned by the majority of people I knew due to a divorce, and she was the person I came to depend on, so it was very difficult to tear myself away. After numerous try’s, I finally did. She did stalk me afterward for over a year, and we did have numerous confrontations, but luckily none of them involved any police or hospital visits for me. This all made it feel like I was absolutely loosing my mind. (things need to add up)

Anyway, I also feel a lot better about myself now, and have high self esteem. I sought some counseling, but couldn't really afford it. Actually, what helped me a lot was a breakthrough I had on my own. I forgave this chick and moved on. Basically, that meant coming to terms with the face that this chick fucked with me for a year of my life I can never get back. She is mentally ill, and there is nothing I can do about it. It was a mistake for me to be with her. I do not ever want to have any part of her in my life again, but I am not going to waste any energy hating her anymore, so she is forgiven, and I have my life back. That was something that took a very long time to come to, and I had to do it on my own, but it worked for me. All the insanity is in the past.

Best of luck to you and just be strong.

[Steven]

the only thing I might suggest....is to consider....spending some time going back over the path that led you to this person, and that allowed you to be so manipulated and taken advantage of. where was your radar? Im sure this person was quite good at telling lies.....but you may want to consider yoru sense of self worth pre and post relationship....however you choose to do so, is however you choose. But I do hope you spend some time in reflection.

[AngelusErro]

the only thing I might suggest....is to consider....spending some time going back over the path that led you to this person, and that allowed you to be so manipulated and taken advantage of. where was your radar? Im sure this person was quite good at telling lies.....but you may want to consider yoru sense of self worth pre and post relationship....however you choose to do so, is however you choose. But I do hope you spend some time in reflection.

Thank you for that. I have been reflecting, A LOT. I think it is part of what has made me a totally different person. I realize what lead me down that dark alley. I am coming to terms with what made me stay, for so long. I had to fall face first onto the ground, to know it was there. It completely changed my idea of what is important, and where the line is, between compromise and sacrifice.

I feel sorry for the next guy I date. My standards are the highest they have ever been, and I take no crap, from anyone. He will be dating the most affectionate and appreciative bitch he will ever know. I think for the first time in my life, I have figured out that I would rather be "me" alone, than with someone and giving in.

[jadnifer]

I have been in a similar situation but it would take up two forum pages to explain it all...if you would like PM and we can talk...I may have some really good insite for you...until then stay strong!

[AngelusErro]

Best of luck to you and just be strong.

You have no idea how shockingly similar to my own story that is. I to am finally facing the mental illness factor. In confronting his family on what he did, I have learned that there is a history of abuse. His siblings each suffer in their own ways. I honestly at times feel like I was living in Peyton Place.

I was once filled with rage, because as a victim of childhood abuse myself, I found it unforgiveable to blame ones up bringing, for the wrongs of your adulthood. But I have come to realize, that not everyone over the age of 18 is an adult. Some, could not grow beyond their childhood trauma.

As I have not fully forgiven him yet, I do understand that is something, that may be necessary. I have been trying to stop, being angry. I work with mentally handicapped adults and children. I do not blame them when they act out, I do not see them as capable of rationally "hurtful" beings. I have to learn to view him in that same sense I guess. Although, I DO think he CAN help his behavior. Perhaps he just needs to be shown how.

[Burrich1]

Although, I DO think he CAN help his behavior. Perhaps he just needs to be shown how.

Just be careful you understand it's no longer your responsibility to help him out. I had problems with this, and it's why my relationship lasted an entire year. It kept sucking me back into the madness. You owe him nothing, and if you feel you still do, I wouldn't do any more than tell his parents/friends/family they should encourage him to seek counseling, and wash your hands of it all.

[creatureofthenyte]

a few yrs ago, 8 to be exact, the woman I was dating, was bi polar. I was not all that familliar with the condition at the time. I learned about it thru experience; aka I found out the hard way. I found out, just how short a person's fuse can be, when they are bi polar, and don't take their meds. She went from totally calm and cool, to screaming and throwing stuff at me, pretty much at the drop of a hat. That relationship lasted only a few months, she cheated on me, got ratted out to me by her "other man" and was subsequently dumped and out of my life. Ive not spoken of it much since then, it seemed relevant to this thread. I've learned alot since then.

So, yeah, that which doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

[AngelusErro]

Just be careful you understand it's no longer your responsibility to help him out. I had problems with this, and it's why my relationship lasted an entire year. It kept sucking me back into the madness. You owe him nothing, and if you feel you still do, I wouldn't do any more than tell his parents/friends/family they should encourage him to seek counseling, and wash your hands of it all.

Thats pretty much the situation right at hand. I have not seen him (nore do I wish to) since May 20th the night I went to St. Joe's Hospital. His mother, has been talking to me. She said that she did not want to tell me he was back living with her, because she did not want me to show up and have a confrontation on her property. I assured her, I have no interest in ever being involved in his life again. I told her what I needed to, and got the information that I wanted, and I am essentially backing out slowly. His mother says that she is going to get him into therapy. But at the same time admited to me that it is hard for her to believe her son is abusive. When I know for a fact he gets physically agressive with even her, at times.

My only care right now, is if he continues to harass me. Other than that, I don't give a shit if he gets the help he needs, or rots in a gutter when his family finally disownes him for lashing out at his own mother one too many times. Or even if he finds some new woman to beat up on and use, and she poisons him to escape.

I have love for his family still, I worry for them, sometimes. But never enough to ever help him again, in any way. I would help them hide the body, before I would help him personally.

[AngelusErro]

a few yrs ago, 8 to be exact, the woman I was dating, was bi polar. I was not all that familliar with the condition at the time. I learned about it thru experience; aka I found out the hard way. I found out, just how short a person's fuse can be, when they are bi polar, and don't take their meds. She went from totally calm and cool, to screaming and throwing stuff at me, pretty much at the drop of a hat. That relationship lasted only a few months, she cheated on me, got ratted out to me by her "other man" and was subsequently dumped and out of my life. Ive not spoken of it much since then, it seemed relevant to this thread. I've learned alot since then.

So, yeah, that which doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

I prefer "That which does not kill me, better run like hell"

lol

[SuZQZ]

I have some idea of what you went through and what you are currently going through. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse for almost two years from an alcoholic. Thankfully, there was never physical abuse.

These situations are never quick or easy to come to terms with. It's almost like going through the 7 stages of grief before you truly are ready to move on with your life. Realizing that you are not responsible for him, his actions, his happiness, etc. is a great step in the right direction. Finding confirmation from other's who know him that it's "not you" and really is him is also a positive step. Looking into yourself to see where your "intuition" went ary is great, but only if you truly learn from it. Why didn't you listen to the voice in your head? Why did you disregard your inner judgement? What was it about you that you allowed this person to treat you this way? These are important questions to ask, and very painful to answer if you truly answer honestly. All of these things are only small stepping stones. Take your time and don't rush. Be angry at him, be angry at yourself, be sad, cry, yell, laugh, ask yourself why, forgive yourself, learn from the experience, then you can move on and close that door forever.

If you want to chat more, shoot me a PM. What I've shared above is enough detail on that particular skeleton in my closet for public posting for me.

Keep moving forward and moving beyond that chapter, eventually it will all be behind you.

[SuZQZ]

Oh, and don't discount seeking professional help. Bouncing all of this off an impartial third party who is trained and educated in helping people work through these types of things is not a bad thing. It could only benefit you and help you put all of the ducks in a row and learn from the experience so you don't repeat it.

[Steven]

Oh, and don't discount seeking professional help. Bouncing all of this off an impartial third party who is trained and educated in helping people work through these types of things is not a bad thing. It could only benefit you and help you put all of the ducks in a row and learn from the experience so you don't repeat it.

exactly.

there is never any shame in reaching out.

[Homicidalheathen]

Quote AF: 'I feel sorry for the next guy I date'

Ah fuck that. At least in the end you now know what to look out for, and that you deserve better.

And to go slooow.

[Homicidalheathen]

Oh and might I add.......sounds like you have a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I used to go to a group for it at Church of Today in Warren, I believe it is still there.