Gothic Commandments

[the eternal]

So, I stumbled across this.

I don't know how many commandments I disobey, but thought it was amusing.

ADDED BONUS-it was written by Rozzlyn.

Remember her?

radical transsexual ex-porn star who used to sell buttons at Necto. (Now there's a bio you don't see everyday)

She and I pissed everyone off in the political threads a couple years back.

Anyone seen her lately?? (Of course, she could be a man by now and then we wouldn't recognize her.)

Anyhoo, here goes.

Gothic Commandments

Thou shalt wear black.

Thou shalt wear black and thou shalt fucking dye thy hair and shine thy boots and wear heavy makeup.

This law is immutable.

Thou shalt like Bauhaus, Alien Sex Fiend, Sex Gang Children, Cinema Strange, Sisters of Mercy and the Cure's first three or four albums, or thou art a fucking poser.

Thou shalt fight like a motherfucker when confronted, for thou art scarey and mean.

Thou shalt not be afraid of the dark, nor of graveyards nor ghosts nor the devil, for thou art scarey and mean.

Thou shalt read Byron, Poe and Poppy Z. Brite. Thou shalt not just buy the books because they look good on thy bookshelf, thou shalt fucking well read them.

Thou shalt not pretend to be a vampire, particularly when thou art in highschool, for that is fucking gheye.

Thou shalt seek an 'alternative religion', no matter how wacky, and thou shalt practise it. Thou shalt not give two shits if another bad-mouths said 'alternative religion' for thou art not just scary and mean, but thou art fucked-in-the-head as well.

Thou shalt not wear pink nor yellow, except as accents or in a sarcastic fashion.

Thou shalt wear fishnet. This law is immutable.

Thou shalt not wear off-the-rack outfits or thou art a fucking poser.

Thou shalt not nitpick over "types" of goth nor waste webspace defining said, or thou art a fucking loser.

Thou shalt support thy local scene and contribute to thy subculture or thou shalt not fucking whinge about it.

Thou shalt aquaint thyself with the history of the modern gothic subculture.

Thou shalt eschew 80s cock-rock hair bands.

Though shalt not wear clothing by Lip-Service because Lip-Service designed clothing for shitty hair-metal bands like Poison and is therefore not a goth label.

Thou shalt eschew crappy glam-metal bands from the 1980s and anything that ever had anything to do with them, like Lip-Service.

Thou shalt not complain about thy local scene and then proceed to neither do anything about it nor move to another.

Thou shalt not move to a different local scene and then bitch about how "it was so much better over there" and then proceed to not do something better where thou livest.

Thou shalt not confuse the Victorian Neo-Gothic fashion movement with the Gothic Subculture or thou shalt be deemed "a dumbass."

Thou shalt not whinge about how much goth sucks, or thou canst fucking start thine own subculture & get the fuck out of ours.

Thou shalt smoke kretek -- not 'clove cigarettes', but kretek.

Thou shalt call said smokey- treats 'kretek' and thou shalt like it. If thou hasn't the lungs to smoke kretek, thou shalt smoke Marlboros because Nik Fiend does or Lucky Strikes for the Poppy Z Brite reference.

Thou shalt not appear to all intents and purposes to be a goth and then claim not to be.

Thou shalt be a cat-person, or at least pretend to be.

Thou shalt not, however, pretend to be a were-cat, for that is fucking gheye.

Thou shalt watch cheesy horror-movies from the 1950s and thou shalt like it.

Thou shalt watch silent horror-films and thou shalt like this too.

Thou shalt not feign Transylvanian accents, nor British ones, nor Irish.

Thou shalt not claim to be decended from Gypsies, nor from Visigoths, nor from Celts nor Picts nor Romanians unless thou art, in fact, descended from such.

Thou shalt take bad photos of thinself and loved-ones goofing-off in the local cemetery.

Thou shalt post these photographs on thy web-page and not give a shit about what the others say.

Thou shalt also, occasionally, take *good* photos of thyeself and loved-ones in the cemetery and thou shalt be very proud of these photos.

Thou shalt play regularly in abandoned buildings, especially abandoned churches and cathedrals and thou shalt like

it.

Thou shalt also recognise the difference between a church and a cathedral or thou art a poseur.

Thou shalt recognise the historical importance, to the scene, the names "Johnny Slut", "Rozz Williams", "Nik

Fiend", "Peter Murphy", "Siouxsie Sioux", "Robert smith" & "sexbat".

Failure to recognise historical importance of these names or thou shall admit ignorance of the scene and proceed to do some research.

Thou shalt drink things which taste like aniseed, and thou shalt like it, or thou shalt drink whiskey.

If thou drinkest whiskey thou shalt drink it straight and aquiant thyself with the history and particulars of whiskey.

Thou shalt also be able to tell the differences, by taste, between American, Scotch and Irish whiskeys, or between Ouzo, Absinthe and Sambuca.

Thou shalt know what the Batcave and Slimelight were.

Thou shalt feel a deep connection with Ministry's "Every Day is Halloween".

Thou shalt also not be ignorant of Ministry's roots, nor of their development.

Thou shalt recognise Cryptie's HomePage as a cleverly constructed humour site or thou hast a big giant stick up ye olde arse.

Thou shalt recognise "Gothic Lolita"s a Japanese fashion-movement having no real connections to Goth as a subculture.

Thou shalt recognise Japanese visual-rock or "visual kei" as being musical performance art and thou shalt not confuse it with something remotely connected to Goth, as a subculture.

Thou shalt not be mopey, nor sucicidal, nor shalt thou murder thy classmates, or thou art a jerk.

Thou shalt recognise the difference between a "movement" and a "subculture" and be able to explain these fine-points if confronted.

Thou shalt understand the finer points of backcombing, and thou shalt backcomb.

Thou shalt not mistake 80s pop-culture for goth, nor shall thou confuse 80s pop music with goth.

Thou shalt, on the other hand, like all the gay '80s synth-pop thou pleases, AS LONG AS thou doest NOT claim it to be goth!

Thou shalt never never never NEVER claim Synth-Pop to be the be-all and end-all of goth, nor shall you consider it such, nor shall you even believe it to be goth, and thou shalt differentiate between Synth-Pop & Goth.

Thou shalt recognise the difference between being bisexual and merely claiming bisexuality as a means of getting attention.

Thou shalt also recognise the differences between being a slut and merely acting slutty for purposes of getting attention.

Thou shalt summarily execute any so-called DJ who can not/will not play Bauhaus at a goth club.

Thou shalt run or work for goth clubs only because thou lovest thy scene passionately, not because thou wishest to be popular. This applies also to stores, magazines, radio programmes, etc.

Thou shalt not claim Sarah Brightman to be a "Goth."

Thou shalt be insular & cliquey towards normals, but thou shalt refrain from backbiting & bitchery within the scene.

Thou shalt not claim to be oldschool if thou art not. Thou shalt not claim to have been a goth longer than thou hast.

Thou shalt not claim to have met Trent Reznor unless thou hast, in fact, met Trent Reznor.

Thou shalt not claim or pretend to know who Trent Reznor is if thou doest not, and if thou does not, thou art a poser.

Thou shalt recognise the differences between Wicca, neo-paganism, Druidism, Thelema, Qabbalah, Satanism and other occult religions past and present and never shall thou treat these terms as interchangable.

Thou shalt do thy research before thou openest thy gob and speaking about anything. Taking thy friend's word does not count as research.

Thou shalt not bitch and moan about labels such as Lip Service, Cleopatra and Hot Topic and then buy their products anyway.

Thou shalt have a sense of humour about thyself and thy subculture, for really, thou doest looketh like a bit of a dick.

Thou shalt know when thou lookest like a dick, and thou shalt laugh about it, for if thou doest not, someone else will.

Thou shalt not claim to suffer from chronic insomnia or other sleep-disorders unless thou truly doest.

Thou shalt not claim to suffer from bipolar disorder or another mental illness unless thou truly doest.

Thou shalt not claim to be prescribed any medications, past or present, unless thou actually hast been. If thou doest so, very very lame art thee.

Thou shalt not claim to be sensitive to sunlight unless thou truly art.

Thou shalt not get thy prescription glasses UV-tinted unless thy was urged to do so by thine optometrist.

Thou shalt not feign disorders, traumas, or angst. Thou shalt not feign nihilism, existentialism, or fatalism.

Thou shalt not pretend to be, to have, or to have done anything which thou art not, hast not, or hast never done, or thou art one hell of a poser.

Thou shalt not use "poser" as an insult without genuine grounds to do so.

- Rozzlyn J. Heltir http://www.rozzlyn.net

&

Malice Unsane http://www.maliceunsane.tk

[Onyx]

That was fun to read.

Wait a minute. Slimelight is no more? I didn't get to go yet. :(

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

hehe - I like ;-)

[Msterbeau]

Thou shall make they non-goth self at home at Troy's Gothic board. :-)