My Book

[know_buddy_kares]

So as some very few of you know, i've been trying my hand at writing... I've had a story in my head for a while and just finally got over the hardest parts for me, the beginning. I've got an outline, a character bio, and a few short stories that will accompany the main book (well not the outline, that's for me) though I've not really written much of it, I did write a small section that's somewhere in the middle. Alot of the details of what happen in this segment are subject to change as the rest of the book is written but for now I figured I'd throw a peice out there and see how you all take on it. What I'm hoping for as in feedback isn't so much the storyline yet, but how I write this segment, if it keeps you intuned, or if it's just a droning on pile of shit. Please be blunt and honest, I'll take all forms of critisizm with a grain of salt as long as they're honest, no matter how crude it is, just spit it out. (so no yelling at anyone please mods, I did ask for it after all)

now here's the segment... Oh yeah, and some names in this are obviously going to change, just using some names of people i know and myself to keep track of what i myself am writing

In the midst of all the chaos of the Group fighting Soulless, Lacirose set free Vampyro's shackles to carry him off to another section of Hell's pit to finish his life to create the ring that can allow one with a soul to handle the Soul Destroyer. On his way out, Brad took notice and blasted Lacirose with the hardest attack he could muster. Vampyro, barely concous, drops to the floor right next to the Soul Destroyer. Brad rushes in at Lacirose as the two exchange blows above Vampyro, who has now took notice of this sword in front of him as he comes to a little more. Something about that sword was calling Vampyro, it felt as if above all else, he must grab hold of the sword. Slowly stretching out his arm and reaching for it, Lacirose notices and is distracted to try to stop Vampyro from grabbing it. Brad took this opportunity to cut a slice right to Lacirose's throat. Holding his throat, all Lacirose could do was watch in terror as Vampyro eventually grabbed the blade's handle.

"S-stop him! You have no idea.. He'll destroy us all if he gets up!", was all Lacirose was able to spit out at Brad. Brad looked back making it obvious he wasn't going to

listen to a word Lacirose was saying. He took his attention off Lacirose and realized that the dimentions around vampyro were somewhat off, he couldn't explain it but it was almost as if every law of physics ceaced to exist in the area around Vampyro. Vampyro's wounds that have been with him for years in Hell's Pit healed and vanished as he

lay there in a pool of his own blood. He slowly crept up on all fours, slowly lifted his torso half way upright still hunched over and keeping his head hung facing the ground. Picking his left leg up and gaining foot hold, his right followed and he stood up. His head still facing the ground,body drenched in blood, slowly rose his head, glowering at everyone, showing

no signs of recognizing anyone in the cave. Through his eyes, glaring behind blood soaked hair, expressed an unstoppable rage of pure hatred and obvious of his immediate intent to use this blade to destroy everything within his sights. Slowly raising his right arm with blade in hand, clenching it tighter a power started radiating from the Soul Destroyer that repelled everything from it as winds picked up and started blowing outward away from Vampyro. Then it happened, Vampyro screamed with the expression of pure rage still in his eyes, and swung the Soul Destroyer in the general Direction of the group of Soulless. Black bursts of energy shot out from the blade. The were void of all light and radiated a terribly strong power. As if to be a vaccuum from outer space, these gravity like blasts of energy made the Soulless implode into nothingness as the black beams ripped right through them and into the walls. The walls imploded as the beams kept going, never seeming to stop and imploding everything in their path. Brad and the group could already hear the imploding destruction of the caverns and rooms off in the distance.

"Shit, Vampyro's going to bring this entire fuckin' place down and us with it!", Brad screamed over the first wave of the swords energy, "We gotta get the fuck out of here pronto!"

As what seemed to be all of Hell's Pit started rumbling, Vampyro slowly drew the sword up over his head and faced off at Brad's Group. "That's not Vampyro anymore, It's the Soul

Destroyer.", Lacirose cried out before Brad and the group were about to leave. "The blade is self aware, and it's will has taken over!"

"Why should we trust you?! You did this to him! As far as I see it, you can rot in Hell's Pit for the rest of eternity!", Alexa, near tears shouting at Lacirose while Brad

was holding her back. Brad dragged Alexa away from Vampyro and Lacirose just barely escaping the 2nd wave of black energy and it's total destruction of everything in it's path. Brad Said, "Look, I don't wanna leave Vampyro either, but we don't have a choice now do we? Even if he does survive and gets out alive, It's not him anymore! We need to save

ourselves so we might still have a chance later on!"

Alexa, crying as she watched rubble separate her sights from Vampyro, turned around and made a hasty retreat with the rest of the group. This place was falling to pieces, and the group could swear that this pit was aware it's self and trying to swallow them with it for all of eternity. Their only chance was making it to the Stealth Aftershock because

place was surely going to have a destructive impact on a big area within the outside world.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

Get a grammar, spelling and punctuation checker and then get back to me.

It's too hard to read at this point due to poor sentence structure.

Random sentence:

Black bursts shot out from the blade, almost seeming to be a vaccuum from outter space,

made the Soulless implode into nothingness as the black beams ripped right through them and into the walls.

Are they Black burst, invisible or black beams? and did they rip through them or make them implode... and if both, you need to find a better way to word this.

How's this...

Black bursts of purest vacuum shot out from the blade and tore into the Soulless. Their bodies imploding into nothingness as they screamed in agony.

[know_buddy_kares]

Get a grammar, spelling and punctuation checker and then get back to me.

It's too hard to read at this point due to poor sentence structure.

Random sentence:

Are they Black burst, invisible or black beams? and did they rip through them or make them implode... and if both, you need to find a better way to word this.

How's this...

Black bursts of purest vacuum shot out from the blade and tore into the Soulless. Their bodies imploding into nothingness as they screamed in agony.

sorry for the bad grammar, this laptop is having problems with word or any other decent writing program, so I'm forced to use notepad for the moment. I know the grammar and spelling suck for right now. I'm just trying to get the story out on paper at the moment.

EDIT* I fixed up the parts that you brought up the best I could so far. I hope it's better, and sorry for the crude layout, I just copied and pasted and didn't think to check the arangement of the story segment on here.