Invited Ex-bf Into My Life Again... How To Handle?

[piggymama]

Hi. I have a bit of a situation Im kinda worried about today. Last fall an old friend from highschool showed up in my life and we started dating and then I left my husband for him. We were dating openly, because we were polyamorous... sorta, I was but Jeff, hubby, isnt. I realized that Brian, the BF, had so much more to offer. Jeff couldnt get his act together and I was miserable living very poor and he wouldnt even TRY. So Brian and I fell madly in love over a course of 2 weeks. But we were almost best friends in HS. I am bipolar, and I was running a seriousely dangerous road. I moved out on my own and found out Brian was the complete opposite from Jeff. He had his shit together, but I am EXTREMELY high maintenance and Brian couldnt handle me or comfort me emotionally. Nothing was good enough he said, and I agree, I just was looking for so much more emotionally... I never gave brian a fighting chance. I ran back to Jeff one night after fighting with Brian and tried to kill myself and had Jeff take me to the hospital. Brian and I continued to talk after a few weeks, I became confused again, and decided it was best to sever ties with him. I loved him very much, so I was in ALOT of emotional pain.

Since then Hubby and I are doing GREAT!!! turns out Jeff is alot sicker than I realised and for a time his therapist and doctors wanted him to file for disability due to his mental and physical limitations. but our relationship is going really great, even tho there is still no money and hes out of work AGAIN. But since hes sick, I understand this now and hes actually TRYNG to get better.

Anyway, Ive been dreaming alot about Brian. I dremt that he needed a friend and he asked me to be there for him int eh dream. just as friends, nothing more. so I wrote him a few weeks ago. Didnt hear back so I let it go. He wrote me late last night and now Im starting to worry about what Im going to go thru. Not a snow-balls chance in hell will I let anything happen. I love Jeff and Im not going to jepardize that. But what about emotionally??? I knwo that it will kill me to see him with another woman, which is very likely. The what-if's will really hurt. But I miss his friendship. We were always so close, even WITHOUT the romantic parts. But he also causes alot of drama.

I guess me question is... am I doing the right thing by talking to him again??? Its been almost 8 months and Im over him romantically... but what about Jeff and what about the old feelings coming up again??? Ill never leave Jeff again. and we arent Poly anymore. How do I handle this???

ANY ADVICE???

[Homicidalheathen]

Wow. Thats a lot to handle.

Personally I don't turn my back on people unless they get physically abusive.

If you don't think he is a threat then.......I guess its ok.........?

I have a few ex's as friends but my man is cool wit it. There have been a couple times he forbid me to see someone out of fear for my safety or getting busted....and since he is usually right I agree, I am kinda too excepting of peoples flaws at times and want his input. But everyone is different. He knows usually who I am hangin with I just don always bring them to the house.

[Miranda]

I've been in an extremely similar situation, so I know exactly what you are going through emotionally. It puts extreme emotional stress on you, on many different levels. The worst is this situation can lead you to have major panic attacks. There is just too much emotional stimulation , sort of like an over load or sorts. You are technically pulling yourself into too many different directions.

It seems that maybe you care and love these men for two different reasons. Possibly one can't give you the emotional stability that you need because he does not innately have it. The other one may do better off financially but he cannot give you the emotional part either? This can often be a no win situation.

Never say never is what I am trying to express to you. You said you'd never jeopardize what you have with your husband again but have you received any help concerning your core issues? If they are still looming, anything can happen. I'm not pointing fingers, I'm concerned, I've been there. This is painful stuff and though a person can judge and say: "Well, don't play with fire if you don't wanna get burned". Life doesn't work that way and everything isn't that cut and dried.

Obviously there is a reason that you are still holding on to this person and that you sought him out again after 8 months. You claim it is just friendship but sometimes that is enough to pull you in and take things to much different levels. It happened before. I'm definitely hoping that you have the awareness to be brutally honest with yourself because that is what matters the most.

You need to be happy and content but you definitely don't need to be all caught up in being torn between two men. It's the worst feeling in the world. If you want to pm me for any deeper conversation on this please feel free to but this is as much as I will share on the forum concerning this subject. Miranda

[Pandora]

Time to get good and honest with yourself. Can you Really handle only being friends with him? Or will you fall in love with him again?

Some people we just can't shake no matter how hard we try I think. If this guy is like that for you, then I would be very careful, if that's even possible.

Also, you mentioned Bipolar, you think that might have something to do with it? The high highs and the low lows can speed up friendship and love, and may not allow you to see things clearly, and to disregard things you know you should do.

If it will kill you to see him with another woman then you're not ready to have him in your life.

What about writing down why you love your husband, and seeing if that doesn't help settle the old love feelings for your friend?

I don't near people places or things that have or contain things that will tempt me and get me off my path, this guys sounds dangerous for you right now. The choice is yours, but play the tape forward. You're hanging alone one day, you touch, kiss, and it's all downhill from there. And it's a steep hill.

Good luck!

[piggymama]

Yes, bipolar played a BIG factor in what was going on. My husband was sick, but wasnt doing anything about it. We were poor as shit and he wouldnt get a job. My disability only pays our utilities because its not much. So I guess I was looking for a way out. Jeff was so numb to the world because he was so depressed. always picking rfights with me (and we RARELY fight) and making snide comments and just not being supportive. When I left, he did a complete 180. He was there for me thru all of this, even if I had chosen to stay with Brian. He pointed out we were best friends, not just married, and hes right. he got a job the next day and even the morning I told him Im leaving he still went into work, as much of an emotional wreck as he was. I was very proud of him.

I got a consultation with an intuitive at Crazy Wisdom Bookstore and Tearoom a few days later. She got the vision of a coin. She told me to watch out that Brian wasnt the exact oposite of Jeff, rather than the good things plus more. she was right. Jeff is the most supportive person Ive ever had in my life. other than that spurt that made me leave him. He is there for me thru thick and thin and he knows me better than I knwo myself. But Jeff isnt responsible. always overdrafting our account, out of work again and scared to go back, spends money on fast food instead of gas, etc. But hes there for me emotionally more than I could ever imagine. Brian on the other hand was handsome and had money and drove a nice car, had good credit and was very exciting. I wod have had a good life with him. and he really did care for me, he just coulndt support me emotionally. When I needed him there for me the most, like when I was insecure or suicidal, he couldnt even talk to me on the phone. He just wasnt there for the attention I needed to recover from this tragedy. and without emotional support... Im as good as dead.

I know I made the right choice by going back and staying with Jeff. However, what I didnt realise when I left is how sick Jeff is. He was being pulled off his staroids for his skin disorder and his skin went crazy. it was extremely painful and itchy. The doctors dont doubt it could cause severe depression and other mental disorders. He landed in teh hospital for over a week 3 different times after I came home. His skin got severe infections and he was very very sick. His therapist was extremely worried about him too. so I decided I needed to take care fo him, that he wasnt doing that on purpose, I just had no idea how sick he was. his therapist and doctors told him he couldnt work. he did anyway, and was eventually fired for missing too much work due to the hospital. (yes, we called a lawyer and it IS LEGAL... the law doenst count unless youve been at a job for a year). But, thru all of this, he still supported me and was wonderful and took care of me the best he could. Hes a good guy and I made the right decision.

[Homicidalheathen]

I am not trying to be prejudice...but there is only one bi polar person (nic) I will hang out with these days cause she takes her meds and is NICE and NORMAL and even when she has a episode she stays by herself and self inflicts, not fight me and hurt others.

Pretty much avoiding all the other bi polar people I know cause I just can't take the depression....mood swings and verbal/physical abuse.

No more.

I hate to say it but now when someone I meet says they are I sorta back away slowely and look for an exit.

Pretty anti meds but hey, Manic Depression is one that I say.....at least try it before you end up in jail or dead.

Yah I bailed on a few peeps but I have to think about myself and my family and future.

And this is the perfect discription of the hell a few have put me through.

Quote:

Yes, bipolar played a BIG factor in what was going on. My husband was sick, but wasnt doing anything about it. We were poor as shit and he wouldnt get a job. My disability only pays our utilities because its not much. So I guess I was looking for a way out. Jeff was so numb to the world because he was so depressed. always picking rfights with me (and we RARELY fight) and making snide comments and just not being supportive

As long as he is trying to get better and stays on his meds and doesn't blame anyone but himself for his outburts...stand by him.

And the itch...

I had a colostomy bag for awhile and I was allergic to it. I had this horrible itch all the damn time....Benadryl didn't help and it absolutly drove me BATTY!

I feel for the guy. Chin up dear. I hope things work out for you. Money isn't everything....and when he gets better you may be surprised....most when they get used to their meds go back to work and end up quite productive.