A Year Later

[AngelusErro]

May 12th marked a year to the day that I left the abusive relationship mentioned in a previous thread.

Here it is, if you want to read it.

But I fear it's far from over. November will mark when he finally gave up harassing me. So I guess I will have something to celebrate then too.

I was feeling pretty hopeless when I first escaped. I left all of my friends (many of which I made through him). I left my job, my puppy, my home, everything. That city was the first place to feel like home to me, in all my life. And I have lived in a lot of places over the years. But now, a year later. I have regained many of those friends. It just took my having balls enough to contact them first, and hash out the truth from the lies. I've gained a couple new friends as well, that I never thought I would have. Friends he has known his whole life, even a few of his relatives. People finally started talking about his abusive problems, and they all seem to look to me for advice on how to deal with him. But of course not a single one of them will mention to him that they even talk to me. Which, I think is best. He will only lash out at them, and probably start harassing me again.

I've come a long way emotionally too. It took me almost a year to be able to say "he abused me" out loud. I finally told my mother the truth. I think she was hurt that I didn't confide in her sooner. But I also think she understands, how hard it was to talk about. I still have a long way to go though. There are a lot of my own family members, that I simply don't talk to, because I know they will ask what happened, and I'm not ready to face their questions. It's mostly my biological father's side of the family. This man, went to family reunions with me, and told his lies to every member of my family. And I stood next to him and smiled. They asked us the normal run of silly relationship questions, like "so, when is the wedding?" My aunt manages comedians, and local entertainers. She was always talking about helping him out with "his band". I think she mostly wanted to do it "for me", because we are family. Since the band he claimed to have was Death Metal, and her scene was comedy and mostly rap artists. I really don't even know how to tell her that the band she tried so hard to help promote, was a figment of his imagination. I am just not ready to face the shame of having to tell each and every one of them that they were lied to, and I failed to protect us all from it.

Financially, I am still in the hole. I was left with a lot of debts for the way, and the timing in which I left. And, a lot that he had a hand in creating while we were living together. It has been harder to recover from than I had originally thought. But I am getting there. I finally have a stable place to live. I have a job again. Although it's not as great as the job I left, I am doing ok. I will just have to work my way up all over again. Least I will have the satisfaction of knowing I've done it more than once, right?

School, is finally working out for me. (Keeping my fingers crossed) Because of how much I had to work to support "us" when we were living together, and he had no job for almost the full two years, college had to take a back burner. He never let me live it down either. Every time we argued, it was how much of a moron I was, because I dropped out of college. (The irony came later, when I learned from his mother after I left him, that he had never even attempted college, and barely graduated high school. His whole college life, playing baseball for MSU, was yet another elaborate lie)

Relationships, have been hit and miss since then. I still wonder if I should have waited longer. If I still should be waiting to get involved with anyone. I admit, I was pretty vulnerable there for a while. I let myself be taken advantage of a few times the summer after I left. I think I have to learn to trust people all over again. Being with him, taught me to trust only myself, and rely on only myself. I can't live behind a wall forever, though. I'm just, not sure how to go about trusting again. Thankfully, I have some good friends now who are proving themselves to be worth it.

I talk about the abuse more, but the anger is mostly gone. I've found myself bonding with other abuse victims. I've written some here and there. I plan to write more. I want to become more proactive on the topic of domestic abuse. I might even write a book. I've been working with his family to get him help, for his many issues. Although, they are not putting him in counseling, they are monitoring his "online life" more closely, especially now that he lives with his parents again, since I left. They pressured him into deleting most of his fake profiles online, that he uses to "prove true" his lies, and find women to abuse. As far as I know they are making him financially responsible for himself 100% for the first time in his life. He will be 30 on his next birthday.

The only down side, is they are actively in denial about his violent nature still. They are only trying to rehabilitate him from is the lies, and the internet stalking/ harassment. As far as I have found, I am the only woman he was ever brutally violent to. Most of his ex's will admit to being spit at/on, shoved, threatened, having doors kicked down in front of them, objects thrown/smashed. But they personally don't consider those things to be abuse. I am the only one, of many with photos of bruises, and hand prints/ gouges around my neck, and hospital records of x-rays. Even with this evidence, his family denies it. Even with the fact that he shows the same aggression to his own mother, that he has shown towards most of his other ex girlfriends.

I fear whole heartedly for the next girl who takes him seriously. I have heard from his family that he is planning on moving out of their home with a 18/19 yr old girl. I have heard from friends of his who have met her, that she is quiet and shy, and a very submissive personality. That was me, when I met him, when I was 19 too. I have pleaded with his mother to do something about his violent nature before it is too late. Especially for this girl's sake. Once you do something extreme, it gets easier and easier to do. She WILL be abused, and thanks to me and my cowardice he has no criminal record relating to domestic abuse. It will end with his family being shattered, I know it. He will either end up dead, or in jail. I sincerely wish his family wont let it come to that, for their sake, not his.

As for me, it has been a long road away from aggression. I still get jumpy when there are loud noises, or someone is yelling. But at least I'm not flying into fight mode at constant anymore. I've become more confrontational though. I think in a good way. I hope so, at least. I will talk to someone first, at the first sign of a problem. I argue for my own ideals more, and I don't compromise when it comes to relationships. I haven't been in a fist fight since the day I left him.

WOW, this is a lot longer than I had anticipated it would be. My apologies. If anyone has any advice, or comments, feel free. As with my other post, criticism is welcome, if not encouraged. Also, if anyone knows of any ways to become more active against abuse, I would like to hear them.

~Lissa~

[Msterbeau]

Wow. I hear of more and more abusive relationships. It's sad that you have to deal with that but worse when others refuse to see it. You've taken the right steps to get yourself on a healthier path. That takes a lot of courage and determination. Seem like a lot of women never manage to get out. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing.

[freydis]

My best friend was in an abusive marriage, and made it out, too. I'm sure she wouldn't mind talking to you about it, if it helps. PM me if you want, and I'll give you her user id. She's on the board.

[Rev.Reverence]

I am glad to hear you are getting your life to look like you want it to..

...KEEP IT UP GIRL.....

I feel this has made you stronger...it obviously did not KILL you.

I will prey for him, to find his concience...

PEACE.

[Miranda]

I will definitely say you have much to be proud of and I am congratulating you in your positive life choices. You seem to be making many wonderful strides and I wish you much continued success. I also hope for more healing in all of the areas you may need strength in.

[Hellion]

I hope everything works out for the best for you.

[Oh_My_Goth]

Good job on growing a pair

Most women don't.....

I believe it would be best for your head to completely cut yourself off from him and his family.....

It is time to completely move on, and you can not do that with any part of him in your life.....

Stop worrying about the people involved with his life.....

Stop trying to fool yourself into thinking you got out, because you seem to still be letting him torture you.....

I know sometimes the things I say seem a bit harsh, but I am just an honest and experienced person.....

If you need to chat I am a good ear, I see you have been chatting with Me Hubby (Rev).....

He is an awesome ear as well.....

[creatureofthenyte]

Good job on growing a pair

Most women don't.....

I believe it would be best for your head to completely cut yourself off from him and his family.....

It is time to completely move on, and you can not do that with any part of him in your life.....

Stop worrying about the people involved with his life.....

Stop trying to fool yourself into thinking you got out, because you seem to still be letting him torture you.....

I know sometimes the things I say seem a bit harsh, but I am just an honest and experienced person.....

If you need to chat I am a good ear, I see you have been chatting with Me Hubby (Rev).....

He is an awesome ear as well.....

What she said

I think its awesome that you have gotten this far, keeping going!

[Draco1958]

Keep moving forward. You are doing great. It sounds like you are gainging your confidence back and that is good. I know we don't know each other but I wish you the best. You found your inner strength. Use it to move on and up. As you climb that ladder, remember you do have friends here to help steady it. There are many ears here willing to listen. Never be afraid of being a burden when you need some support. Thats what friends are for. We support each other, we listen, give advice when asked and have our shoulders scotchguarded. Never fear using that support. It doesn't have a pricetag other then one day to see you smile.

[Burrich1]

Great job putting so much of your life back together so quickly! Stay strong. Good to see you posting again too.

[Bernadette]

Good for you! I admire your strength.

[AngelusErro]

My best friend was in an abusive marriage, and made it out, too. I'm sure she wouldn't mind talking to you about it, if it helps. PM me if you want, and I'll give you her user id. She's on the board.

Thanks so much. If she wants to talk to me, tell her she can PM me. I will give her my contact info. I don't like to push people though. I am willing to talk, but I don't want to just assault someone who doesn't know me with personal questions about their past. I hope that didn't sound rude. I don't mean it to be. I just know how much of a touchy issue it can be, and how sometimes it can be annoying for others to expect you to share your pain just because they are willing to share theirs. Especially when they don't know you.

[AngelusErro]

Good job on growing a pair

Most women don't.....

I believe it would be best for your head to completely cut yourself off from him and his family.....

It is time to completely move on, and you can not do that with any part of him in your life.....

Stop worrying about the people involved with his life.....

Stop trying to fool yourself into thinking you got out, because you seem to still be letting him torture you.....

I know sometimes the things I say seem a bit harsh, but I am just an honest and experienced person.....

If you need to chat I am a good ear, I see you have been chatting with Me Hubby (Rev).....

He is an awesome ear as well.....

Really, thanks for that. And thanks to Rev. too, and everyone who has shared their kind words.

And I understand what you mean about letting him torture me still. Even though he isn't aware of it, knowing things are not "fixed" eats at me a bit. Worrying that I didn't do enough to protect the next girl, keeps me up some nights still. I do need to wash my hands of all of it. I have been a bit lately. I haven't talked to his mother in months, and only talk to his brothers in passing. "How is school, what's new with you" kinda stuff. The ex, is barely even mentioned anymore. I know I am going to have to give up some good people though, to be completely through with it all.

[AngelusErro]

Keep moving forward. You are doing great. It sounds like you are gainging your confidence back and that is good. I know we don't know each other but I wish you the best. You found your inner strength. Use it to move on and up. As you climb that ladder, remember you do have friends here to help steady it. There are many ears here willing to listen. Never be afraid of being a burden when you need some support. Thats what friends are for. We support each other, we listen, give advice when asked and have our shoulders scotchguarded. Never fear using that support. It doesn't have a pricetag other then one day to see you smile.

You have no idea how much I appreciate that. It's been kind of scary talking more and more about the details of the relationship, because I know he still knows how to find me online. I never backed down on changing my call names. This makes me easy to google. lol. Also, he still has a profile on this site, as well as at least one "fake" that I know of. And I really can never know if I am talking to one of his friends or not. So I keep things as vague as I can, in an effort to keep things friendly. And keep him from feeling the need to contact me again, even though I talk publicly about things. I rely on the fact that he was not very well known here, and I am even less known, because he never spoke directly of me to anyone.

[Homicidalheathen]

Hang in there...there are a few good guys left out there.

Not telling anyone out of shame and self denial added to the people not believing you...thats why its important to speak up right away before it escalates...I know its hard cause your more in love as time goes on...but trust me, your true friends will stick by you.

If nothing else now you know who they are and can make new ones and better choices!

And at least there were no kids involved...or divorce.

Hugs.

[AngelusErro]

Hang in there...there are a few good guys left out there.

Not telling anyone out of shame and self denial added to the people not believing you...thats why its important to speak up right away before it escalates...I know its hard cause your more in love as time goes on...but trust me, your true friends will stick by you.

If nothing else now you know who they are and can make new ones and better choices!

And at least there were no kids involved...or divorce.

Hugs.

Yea, I count my blessings on that every day. That I have no legal, or "family" ties to him. That, besides debt, and stress. I got to walk away scot free.

It's not really that nobody believed me. It's that nobody knew. The hashing out of lies, was mostly any time I got close to someone, he would "make up" a fight. He would tell them one thing, and me another, and soon we weren't speaking. When I finally came to contact those people, I was amazed at the lengths he had gone. He would sign on my email, myspace, even take my cell phone and message people with mean nasty things, to make them hate me. All behind my back. I worked so much, and he had such complete control, that it mostly went un noticed. One friend, actually kicks herself, because she seen signs that there was abuse, but since he was always around me, and he kept any friend to me at arms length, she never said anything to me about it.

And you are absolutly right. The true friends did stick by me. Even the ones that I foolishy abandoned when he decided he didn't want me having contact with them anymore. All it took from me was a little humility, and a lot of apologies.

As for his mother. I confessed to her, and she believed me at first. Until she confronted him about it. I told her that I took pictures and saved them on an online account that marks the date they were uploaded. She believed everything. But he told her that the pictures (if they exist) are from a previous relationship, that I confessed to him that I was abused in the past. He also told her that he demanded to see these pictures, and I refused to show him, so he doesn't even believe they exist. And honestly, I don't blame her so much, if it came to someone's word over my family. I might side with my family too. She never asked to see them though. And I was/still am hesitent to assault her with such graphic immages.

[Rev.Reverence]

Y

It's not really that nobody believed me. It's that nobody knew. The hashing out of lies, was mostly any time I got close to someone, he would "make up" a fight. He would tell them one thing, and me another, and soon we weren't speaking. When I finally came to contact those people, I was amazed at the lengths he had gone. He would sign on my email, myspace, even take my cell phone and message people with mean nasty things, to make them hate me. All behind my back. I worked so much, and he had such complete control, that it mostly went un noticed. One friend, actually kicks herself, because she seen signs that there was abuse, but since he was always around me, and he kept any friend to me at arms length, she never said anything to me about it.

And you are absolutly right. The true friends did stick by me. Even the ones that I foolishy abandoned when he decided he didn't want me having contact with them anymore. All it took from me was a little humility, and a lot of apologies.

On the first point I have to say: What EVIL in his HEART...I'm REALLY gonna' have to pray on THIS tortured soul...

I am so glad to hear that SOME of your friends stay TRUE...& that you are capable of such strength of HUMILITY...

I know how it can be hard to find HUMILITY when you are the one who has been wrong...

BUT, just actions are their own reward...

[AngelusErro]

On the first point I have to say: What EVIL in his HEART...I'm REALLY gonna' have to pray on THIS tortured soul...

I am so glad to hear that SOME of your friends stay TRUE...& that you are capable of such strength of HUMILITY...

I know how it can be hard to find HUMILITY when you are the one who has been wrong...

BUT, just actions are their own reward...

Actually, a couple of my now close friends, were women I verbally attacked, because I believed his lies, and thought they were interloping on our relationship. When in reality he was contacting them, and instigating it all along. Only blaming them when he was caught. That first month after I left. I apologised to 8-10 women. Most were accepting. Most were glad to finally get some truth, because they had no idea what was going on either. And a few, became my friends. Common bonds, can be strong ones. One woman was engaged to him for a year while he was living in my home. One was seeing him him for several months at the end, before I left. Coming into my home, where he explained that I just abandoned all my things one day and left him. One he persued online the entire durration of the relationship (along with many others). All of us were contacted by his fake profiles. All of us were lied to on so many levels. It's really hard to explain how much healing came out of talking to people, and getting the truth, and realizing that I wasn't crazy after all.

I was amazed though. What just sucking it up and saying I am sorry could do. And I am thankful for the friends I have made because of it.

[Hellion]

Its good that nothing happened to you and you got away from the situation as fast as possible,some people don't and they end up in a much worse situation,good luck on getting everything back together,it will take time but it should be all done an over with for good.

[AngelusErro]

Its good that nothing happened to you and you got away from the situation as fast as possible,some people don't and they end up in a much worse situation,good luck on getting everything back together,it will take time but it should be all done an over with for good.

Well it did take me two years. That, I kick myself for sometimes. Because things were "just wrong" from the beginning but I was blind to it, because of the excitement of living on my own from my parents for the first time. Things only got worse, and I just blamed it on being newly house mates, and still sorting out differences. Things got violent after only five months together. and still I stayed. There was always an excuse. I always let myself be pulled back in. I was working so much right off the bat, that I went numb and time flew by. All the work paid of and I rose to one rank below the Asst. Director of the company I worked for in under a year. So after that I was staying because I had everything going for me up there. Everything but him. If I could have figured out a way to cut him out of my life and keep the rest. I would have. It finally took him messing with my job to make me leave. He took my friends from me, and I let him. He widened the chasm between my family and me, and I let him. But when he tried to take my career from me, I snapped. Especially since I was the sole supporter of our (rather expensive) lifestyle, for the entire relationship. But in the end he won that round, and did loose my job for me.

[Hellion]

I am very sorry to hea that you seem really cool and for someone to do that to you is beyond disgust,My dad did something similar to this, to my mother,and I am happy she dumped hin 32 years ago,jusy happy you are OK

[Hellion]

I am very sorry to hea that you seem really cool and for someone to do that to you is beyond disgust,My dad did something similar to this, to my mother,and I am happy she dumped hin 32 years ago,jusy happy you are OK

[AngelusErro]

I am very sorry to hea that you seem really cool and for someone to do that to you is beyond disgust,My dad did something similar to this, to my mother,and I am happy she dumped hin 32 years ago,jusy happy you are OK

Common bonds... My dad did the same thing to my mom and I too. Until one day she decided to fight back. I was 5, and watched my mom hit him so hard she broke her own wrist. I always had my mom on a pedestal after that. I felt like I betrayed her when I let it happen to me. I think that is another reason why it took me so long to tell her the truth.

[Hellion]

Common bonds... My dad did the same thing to my mom and I too. Until one day she decided to fight back. I was 5, and watched my mom hit him so hard she broke her own wrist. I always had my mom on a pedestal after that. I felt like I betrayed her when I let it happen to me. I think that is another reason why it took me so long to tell her the truth.

Similar BS my dad beat her up until the cops were called then they basically beat him up,he definately deserved it,now he is remarried and moved far away,good luck on your future.

[Angel of Death]

I wanted to cry almost reading all this...I am so sorry to hear that you have been treated this way. You sound like a very kind person. I am glad you were able to get out even if it took time. The healing process is a long and rough road but I am confident you will make it!! Anytime you need someone to talk to just send me a PM. I will do my best to help you.

:grouphug :grouphug :grouphug :grouphug :grouphug :grouphug :grouphug :grouphug