Honest feed back needed...

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

Ok, so a few of my friends have approached me with concerns about Jon and I's relationship and it not being the most healthy one in the world... well I'd like to fix that, I love Jon and many of you have made valid points... now I would appreciate it if my friends would let me know ur thoughts and an explanation why... I can't really afford couples therapy, but I'd like to have a starting point so that I can talk to Jon tell him what's up and why... hope this is making some sense, lolz...

thanx ;-)

[Homicidalheathen]

There are some free couples support groups out there...look in phanamanews or metro times

I just hope when you talk he really hears you...

I think the best relationship advice I ever got was from a baptist minister before we got married by him.

Try circle of Dolphins...they also have men and womens (sep) groups

http://www.renaissanceunity.org/phps1.htm#Men%20of%20Today

[Nienna]

I'm in a similar situation. One thing... if all of your girlfriends are pissed about how he treats you, chances are, it's not a good relationship. I love my man too but he makes me feel bad more often than good. I'm not sure what the solution would be for either of us, but I'm thinking if he doesn't change soon I'm out. Maybe you should be too.

[Homicidalheathen]

Found the rest for ya...

couples group: 7-9pm Wed eve MFSC sterling heights 586-274-4394

Relationship group: 6-8 pm (same place)

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

thanx Heathen ;-)

And Nienna - Jon makes me feel good more often than not, just sometimes he takes the teasing a big far and there are things that I think are funnie that my friends don't - we just have a very unique relationship and there are things are need to be worked on is all ;-)

[creatureofthenyte]

thanx Heathen ;-)

And Nienna - Jon makes me feel good more often than not, just sometimes he takes the teasing a big far and there are things that I think are funnie that my friends don't - we just have a very unique relationship and there are things are need to be worked on is all ;-)

Yeah, but this isn't the first time you've posted a thread dealing with this subject.

I would Never say things, like the things you've mentioned, to my lady(if I had one).

Even if he's just joking with you, sayin stuff like that stuff you mentioned, is just not funny at all.

I want to stress that I don't know you, so whatever you share is all I have to go on.

So just IMO, it sounds like being in a relationship gives you some sort of secure feeling and you don't want to lose that feeling.

But ya know, if all your friends and anyone here on the board are thinking and saying the same thing about this guy you're with, perhaps you're the only one who doesn't see what's goin on?

Or maybe you do see what's going on and are just making excuses for him for some reason?

All I know is that if I had a woman in my life, and if she said to me, things like he's said, even if she was joking with me, she would be dumped.

You're young and pretty, so its not like you would have difficulty finding someone new.

Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

[Oh_My_Goth]

Perhaps you should both stop drinking, together.....

From reading your previous post, it seems drinking is an issue with you two in you relationship.....

[Guest Megalicious]

Pm sent to you!!!!

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

yea, Jon and I had a long talk last night... he decided to stop drinking for a while, and I'm going to slow things down a bit myself - and we got a lot accomplished last night and really got to talking about everything and looks like we're going down a better path... just going to take time and some work on both ends ;-)

[Onyx]

Just from what you've posted, things definitely have not looked like a healthy relationship - and didn't even sound like you were having fun together. If it's not fun for both of you, then something isn't working.

It sounds like you are both willing to work on things. It definitely takes two to make things work. One really important thing is how he makes you feel about yourself when you are with him - that says a lot.

I do believe people can change permanently. I know that I have. Not falling back into old patterns is a difficult thing, but it can be done.

[Rev.Reverence]

I would isolate what you really dislike about him and confront him in a positive manner, tell him how you feel when he does these things. Ask him if he knows Why he does them, and if he's willing to work hard on changing his behavior.

I would recommend writing things down...and reading the letters away from each other...

A therapist had my family do it in the 80's...

Would have worked too...if my Step-Father was not such a shit head.

[Destroit]

Literally sit down and tell him EVERYTHING how you feel no matter how bad you think it will hurt him, no matter how afraid you are to do it, you have to. Don't sugar coat a single word, don't hold anything back, let EVERYTHING out fully into the open. Lay it out SO explicitly that even a five year old would be able to understand eveyrthing you've told him in full.

If it even helps, sit down before you have a chat with him, and work everything out that you wanna say on paper. Not word for word but more of an outline, go over it in your head a little, and then when he gets home put the paper away and tell him everything you've thought of.

Let him do the same also. No matter how much it may hurt YOU, let him tell you word for word, EXACTLY how he feels about anything that could be good/bad in your relationship. Ask him to be respectful when doing it, or as respectful as possible, and then return the favor.

For instance, I had a bout of pudge earlier in the year that I've been working off. Instead of doing the "nice boyfriend" thing and acting like it didn't bother him he basically told me that I needed to start losing weight and he's not as attracted to me anymore. He even went so far as to say that if I kept getting bigger, he might try to find someone else. I didn't get hurt, quite honestly I can't blame him, if he wasn't attractive to me anymore because he gained a bunch of weight, I'd be mad too and wouldn't even want to have sex with him. So I took that as a signal as "Damn...maybe I really have let myself go..." and started watching my diet and working out again.

That's how a HEALTHY relationship should play out. Many women would be been emotionally upset of their boyfriend being honest and calling them fat, but I actually thanked him for his honesty and ended up respecting him even more for having the balls to say it. On the same note, many boyfriends would have just bottled that up inside, too afraid to hurt their girlfriend's feelings. Quite honestly though, the world isn't perfect and your feelings NEED to be hurt here and there to help you advance as an individual. I call it constructive criticism. When boyfriends bottle up stuff like that for instance, I would have never known something was wrong, and then eventually it could have lead to worse things (i.e. my weight going up exponentially and maybe leading either to the end of the relationship or infidelity on his part).

Also, that's another thing, if he points out your flaws don't get upset: CHANGE IT! He's saying it for a reason, the reason being that it bothers him. Of course you'll never be the perfect girlfriend, nobody can be, but you can at least try to change some of your behaviors/aspects so that you're more pleasing for him and he has a reason to look forward to the future of the relationship. He should also have the respect to return the favor and do the same kind of changing for you.

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

Jon and I had a very lengthly conversation the other night and we both got a lot of things off our chest and we both agreed to work on our faults - we're on our way to going down a much better path, which makes me happy ;-)

thanx you guys for all ur feed back, it's greatly appreciated ;-)