Your Life Of Misery

[thewhiterecluse]

I cut into your life of misery. Slowly peeling away your blistery. The bubble you've have grown from the swelling. Was filled with the lies you were inhaling.

I listened to your blank dreams and fables. I laid down your future on the tables. The blood from the virgin's womb was oozing. When the stars had fallen you were losing.

In hell there is no light for you to see. You can't run if you try to even flee. Festering with the stinch of a false path. You cleanse yourself from the shit of gods bath.

In a materialistic pig world. Makes the truth come forward after I hurled. I don't bother looking you in the eye. Everytime I look sadness will pass by.

What a disgusting future your kind will give. Why don't you just kill yourself and not live? You're a waste of oxygen and water. Your the reason the earth's getting hotter.

Getting an early start on your own hell? Was that the toll of the final last bell? The garden of Eden will grow from you. The essence will help the cycle renew.

Destruction in the eyes of another lost. Already dead and waiting with no cost. Destruction in the eyes of another lost. Already dead and waiting with no cost.

[e-jewell]

I like the rhyming, I'm a big rhyming fan. However, I feel like there were a lot of forced rhymes that weren't exactly what you wanted to say... you just needed something that rhymed to mantain rhythm. I noticed this immediately with "The blood from the virgin's womb was oozing", which was completely unrelated to any of this even if you use every creative fiber of your being to find a metaphor. Even if there was one I'm missing, since the majority of the rest of your poem is straight-forward (to an extent) that just seems off and misplaced. Consistency is pleasing to the human mind.

[thewhiterecluse]

I like the rhyming, I'm a big rhyming fan. However, I feel like there were a lot of forced rhymes that weren't exactly what you wanted to say... you just needed something that rhymed to mantain rhythm. I noticed this immediately with "The blood from the virgin's womb was oozing", which was completely unrelated to any of this even if you use every creative fiber of your being to find a metaphor. Even if there was one I'm missing, since the majority of the rest of your poem is straight-forward (to an extent) that just seems off and misplaced. Consistency is pleasing to the human mind.

It's all abstract and goes through symbology and how I feel. There's really not much thought into it unless you understand my mind frame. "I listened to your blank dreams and fables. I laid down your future on the tables." this means there was no thought put into their future, I delt myself the same hand because, in this life we're all the same game. People dream and create fables without the certainy of it coming true and by them being blank, people don't exactly understand the writing on the wall because there never was writing on the wall saying their dreams would come true. Theres no sign that dreams come true except experiencing reality. "The blood from the virgin's womb was oozing", means that the world was flowing with untouched life. But "When the stars had fallen you were losing" purity and faith were falling and the world was becoming tainted. The ones who claimed to be pure didn't realize they weren't because the world was already tainted. Lol I know I'm a little fucked up in the head, but what can I say, I was trying to make an art piece.

[e-jewell]

It's all abstract and goes through symbology and how I feel. There's really not much thought into it unless you understand my mind frame. "I listened to your blank dreams and fables. I laid down your future on the tables." this means there was no thought put into their future, I delt myself the same hand because, in this life we're all the same game. People dream and create fables without the certainy of it coming true and by them being blank, people don't exactly understand the writing on the wall because there never was writing on the wall saying their dreams would come true. Theres no sign that dreams come true except experiencing reality. "The blood from the virgin's womb was oozing", means that the world was flowing with untouched life. But "When the stars had fallen you were losing" purity and faith were falling and the world was becoming tainted. The ones who claimed to be pure didn't realize they weren't because the world was already tainted. Lol I know I'm a little fucked up in the head, but what can I say, I was trying to make an art piece.

Oh, I can most certainly appreciate that. But whereas the rest of your metaphors were easily grasped, a few were exponentially more obscure, not just a little bit. It just screws it up a bit IMO.