Spooks thread of politcal jokes...

[phee]

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the liberals would just leave it alone, it would change itself.

[Rev.Reverence]

Oh BTW... Rev... Welcome to the Republican Party

...why thank you Sir...when do I get the keys to my new BMW?

[Rev.Reverence]

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the liberals would just leave it alone, it would change itself.

...& one for the other side...us Libras are well known for our fairnesses...

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It doesn't matter because they'll still remain in the dark.

By Edward Daley

[phee]

Why do Republicans love doing laundry?

They're naturals at separating the whites from the colors.

Why do Republicans get defined as the right?

Because nobody else has a single right with them in charge.

Why do Republicans never turn their most prestigious literature into a movie?

They wanted Waldo to play himself, but they just can't find him.

What do you call a Republican who makes their money honestly?

Broke.

What's the difference between a Republican soup kitchen and a Democrat one?

In the Democrat version, the homeless people are on the receiving end.

Where can you find a Republican politician who's not currently taking bribes?

The cemetery.

[Rev.Reverence]

Where can you find a Republican politician who's not currently taking bribes?

The cemetery.

...you never can be sure though...till they are staked down anyways...

[phee]

And the other side

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?

A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

[phee]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of business. Like so many eighties babies, she was self-focused and she considered herself to be a conservative Republican, and was very much in favor of the ownership of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather liberal Democrat, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an irresponsible, idealistic desire to level the playing fields among competitive businesses. In her heart she knew that hard work would be rewarded in a capitalist society.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to corporate welfare and the reduction of social services.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors at Regents University had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how her business was doing.

Taken aback, she answered rather indignantly that she had adhered to all the ordinances, restrictions and bylaws. But the competition, being much larger and influential, had skirted the ordinances, and even received tax rebates during years when they had paid no taxes.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing at her job at CorporoCo?"

She replied, "Audrey is making money hand over fist. She has expense accounts, a company car, vacation perks and bonuses. She works less than I do. All because her dad the Senator helped CorporoCo get a multi-million government contract for a 'feasibility study'."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to your favorite Republican Congressman, and see if he'll help you get a no-bid contract for something that even the government doesn't want or need?"

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That would be an egregious waste of taxpayer money - MY money!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the Democratic party

[n0Mad]

Touché

And the two women met, fell in love, married, and became Libertarian because it was the only party that could give each the liberties they enjoyed. And they lived happily ever after.

[Rev.Reverence]

Touché

And the two women met, fell in love, married, and became Libertarian because it was the only party that could give each the liberties they enjoyed. And they lived happily ever after.

YAY!...What a twist!!!

[phee]

Touché

And the two women met, fell in love, married, and became Libertarian because it was the only party that could give each the liberties they enjoyed. And they lived happily ever after.

And all was right with the world.... or at least that one part of it.

[Msterbeau]

[n0Mad]

... and business jokes.

Management Lesson 101

Quick Lessons in Management

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few

seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may

be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up,

you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil

lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care

in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal

masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on

the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest

branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large

field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out

and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

[n0Mad]

LIQUID ASSETS :

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

[Rev.Reverence]

psalm 129

^{(it was funny ... even though that is not what psalm 129 said)(I was gonna do something creative with it..so I looked it up..I am a dork you know.)}