So, where have I been?

[Brenda Starrr]

It's a question that I've been asked a lot these days. A lot of you know that Jeff and I got married on March 15 of this year. And we're VERY happy. I do have DGN to thank for that. I also found out that my Dad had cancer only a few weeks before we got married. My Dad swore to me that he'd be fine. I think he knew that he was terminal, because he didn't only have cancer. He had emphysema. I just knew that something bad would happen when I left MD to live here. It couldn't have been worse.

He had to wait to have surgery because he had issues with clotting. Over 2 months, he waited. They removed the tumor in May. They shouldn't have, knowing he has emphysema. He fell a couple weeks later, and that's when they told my Mom he was dying. After a day or two, she called. It was a phone call that literally destroyed me. I screamed, cried, threw things...

I was not okay. I'm a Daddy's Girl.

I was working for Macy's in Oakland Mall as the counter manager for Benefit Cosmetics. I had ensured that I could take leave, get my vacation pay, my bereavement pay, once he passed, and so on. I had no idea what I was in for. (I subsequently had to fight for my vacation and bereavement pay after Dad died, and stepped down from the job. They lied to me, and I wasn't working for people like that.) Thanks to Jeff's cousin, Sierra and I got to Baltimore on Sunday, June 22. I saw my Dad at his best for 2 days. We laughed, joked about all sorts of things. This was just NOT real to me. I had no idea.

At 6:00am on Tuesday June 22, the phone rang at my Mom's. I just knew. He had taken a turn for the worst, and they didn't see him living through the day. I brushed my teeth, threw on my flip flops, grabbed my daughter and Mom, and drove to hospice. He sounded like he was drowning. He was dying. And it was VERY real.

The last 15 minutes were horrifying. His breaths became further and fewer. On his last breath, at 2:10pm, he clutched my Mom's, my sisters, and my hands. He opened his eyes, and all 4 of us (Sierra was in there as well) BEGGED him to go to the light. We know it exists, because hes seen it before. But this time, he wasn't turning away.

My Dad was gone.

Jeff drove down with Ian, and performed the most beautiful memorial service. Seriously, if you ever need someone for a wedding or any other service, he is IT. My sister could barely squeak out a eulogy, and mine was better than I expected to be able to create. Jeff was simply breathtaking. My Mom was so very proud.

I stayed in MD til August 3, and started my new job the following week. I still need part-time work, but I don't regret a single thing at this point. Below is a blog that I had written on myspace. It basically explains how I feel....

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I cry at the drop of a hat. Or during the Johnny Cash song that was played repeatedly (by accident) before his memorial service. Or when I think my son is smoking cigarettes. Or because this crazy bird INSISTED on flying in front of the window repeatedly as I drove down Dequindre on the way home tonight. I swear, it kept trying to land on my wiper blades. It just doesn't seem to matter.

I was driving home from work tonight, and I popped in the Johnny Cash CD, American IV. The 1st song on this disc is "The Man Comes Around." I plan on learning that song on the guitar someday.

"The Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash

And I heard as it were the noise of thunder

One of the four beasts saying come and see and I saw

And behold a white horse

There's a man going around taking names

And he decides who to free and who to blame

Everybody won't be treated all the same

There'll be a golden ladder reaching down

When the Man comes around

The hairs on your arm will stand up

At the terror in each sip and in each sup

Will you partake of that last offered cup?

Or disappear into the potter's ground

When the Man comes around

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singing

Multitudes are marching to the big kettledrum

Voices calling, voices crying

Some are born and some are dying

It's Alpha and Omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

Till Armageddon no shalam, no shalom

Then the father hen will call his chickens home

The wise man will bow down before the throne

And at His feet they'll cast their golden crowns

When the Man comes around

Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still

Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still

Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still

Listen to the words long written down

When the Man comes around

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singing

Multitudes are marching to the big kettledrum

Voices calling and voices crying

Some are born and some are dying

It's Alpha and Omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

In measured hundred weight and penny pound

When the Man comes around.

Close (Spoken part)

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts

And I looked and behold, a pale horse

And his name that sat on him was Death

And Hell followed with him.

It is the very last 2 lines that strike me the hardest.

I saw death come for him. All four of us watched the Hell he suffered, even if he didn't know he was suffering it.

I have this painful, overwhelming guilt. I never called enough because I loathe the telephone. I only visited once in a year because it's not exactly right around the corner. Flights aren't as cheap as they were just a year or two ago. Gas sure as Hell isn't, either. Yet there is NO part of me that says to NOT feel this guilt. Sure, I probably need grief counseling. But, I don't see that in the cards. I'd rather feel the drag of the needle, because it competes with my internal pain.

Tattoos ARE my therapy. Too bad insurance doesn't cover them.

I just want to know when the pain stops and I don't just cry, willy nilly, at any given moment. At the drop of the hat.

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So, there you go. It's where I've been. That's all I've got.

[Shade Everdark]

I'm glad to see you back around.

I'm terribly sorry to hear of your father's passing.

You have my deepest sympathies, hon.

[phee]

I am so happy to see Brenda.... And I am sorry for what you are going through....

(I thought you hated all of us.... Glad it is not true)

[freydis]

[Brenda Starrr]

That's silly. I don't hate ALL of you....lol

I'm just dealing with a lot. Trying to get caught up. I'm planning to go to school for permanent cosmetics (facial tattooing of eyebrows, eyeliner, lip liner, scar colorization, etc. Then, I'll look for a reputable tattoo shop in which to do this, as well as in the spa where I work.

[TitsMcGee]

I know you don't know me, but I'm very sorry for you loss. If you need to talk don't hesitate to messege me.

[Brenda Starrr]

Thank you.

[Guest greyhalo]

That's silly. I don't hate ALL of you....lol

I'm just dealing with a lot. Trying to get caught up. I'm planning to go to school for permanent cosmetics (facial tattooing of eyebrows, eyeliner, lip liner, scar colorization, etc. Then, I'll look for a reputable tattoo shop in which to do this, as well as in the spa where I work.

It's good to see you on the board today. I know you've been through a lot this past year. But, it sounds like you have a good outlook and have some very positive things going on as well. Permanent cosmetics--that totally sounds like you!

[Brenda Starrr]

It's good to see you back as well! I'm trying, for sure. And permanent cosmetics is definitely right up my alley!!

[phee]

It's good to see you back as well! I'm trying, for sure. And permanent cosmetics is definitely right up my alley!!

Yay Brenda's Alley!!!!

[Brenda Starrr]

Yay Brenda's Alley!!!!

Stop it. You make me feel so.......dirty.

[phee]

Stop it. You make me feel so.......dirty.

Yay Brenda Feels Dirty!!!

[Rayne]

That's silly. I don't hate ALL of you....lol

I'm just dealing with a lot. Trying to get caught up. I'm planning to go to school for permanent cosmetics (facial tattooing of eyebrows, eyeliner, lip liner, scar colorization, etc. Then, I'll look for a reputable tattoo shop in which to do this, as well as in the spa where I work.

I know all about dealing with a lot. ((((((hugs to you and your family)))))). It is very nice to see you again Brenda. We've missed you a lot.

Jeff drove down with Ian, and performed the most beautiful memorial service. Seriously, if you ever need someone for a wedding or any other service, he is IT.

I can TOTALLY back this up. Jeff did Phee and I's wedding a few years ago, it was absolutely wonderful!

[Rev.Reverence]

That's silly. I don't hate ALL of you....lol

I'm just dealing with a lot. Trying to get caught up. I'm planning to go to school for permanent cosmetics (facial tattooing of eyebrows, eyeliner, lip liner, scar colorization, etc. Then, I'll look for a reputable tattoo shop in which to do this, as well as in the spa where I work.

(do you need a practice animal?)

[Brenda Starrr]

I know all about dealing with a lot. ((((((hugs to you and your family)))))). It is very nice to see you again Brenda. We've missed you a lot.

I can TOTALLY back this up. Jeff did Phee and I's wedding a few years ago, it was absolutely wonderful!

It's kinda nice to be here. As for Jeff, he did such an amazing job. I think my Dad would have been so proud.

[Brenda Starrr]

(do you need a practice animal?)

You never know.

[Rev.Reverence]

You never know.

...keep me in mind...I need me eyes did...I can pay some...

[Head Wreck]

its good to see you again brenda.

[Homicidalheathen]

sorry bren. hope your heart heals soon

[Brenda Starrr]

its good to see you again brenda.

sorry bren. hope your heart heals soon

Thank you both.

[Guest greyhalo]

I am very happy for you and Jeff. I'm also happy that you live in MI now too.

[Msterbeau]

Who are you again? You look like this lady I saw at a barbecue once. It was great.

[Destroit]

I'm very glad to see you back, Brenda, the board isn't the same without you here, although I'm sorry it had to come with such bad news. I hope that as time goes on you at least feel a little better even though your life isn't the same now. At least you were there to tell him goodbye, your story made me all emotional just reading it :.

[pomba gira]

Who are you again? You look like this lady I saw at a barbecue once. It was great.

Nah, that wasn't her... that chick had really groovy shoes... kind'a like this...

Seriously tho... good to hear from you Brenda, I wondered what became of you... you disappeared during one of my own DGN hiatuses (hiati?). So sorry to hear about your loss... healing and peace WILL come to you, believe it... just takes time.

I want to volunteer for permanent makeup practice, too. I know a lady at Cherry Lane who has it & it looks great... she has eyes, lips, cheeks... I just want some eyeliner tho!

[Brenda Starrr]

I'm very glad to see you back, Brenda, the board isn't the same without you here, although I'm sorry it had to come with such bad news. I hope that as time goes on you at least feel a little better even though your life isn't the same now. At least you were there to tell him goodbye, your story made me all emotional just reading it :.

Steven says that he waited for me. I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I just know that the pain I feel on a daily basis is worse than anything I've ever felt in my whole life. And thank you. It's kinda nice to be here.

Nah, that wasn't her... that chick had really groovy shoes... kind'a like this...

Seriously tho... good to hear from you Brenda, I wondered what became of you... you disappeared during one of my own DGN hiatuses (hiati?). So sorry to hear about your loss... healing and peace WILL come to you, believe it... just takes time.

I want to volunteer for permanent makeup practice, too. I know a lady at Cherry Lane who has it & it looks great... she has eyes, lips, cheeks... I just want some eyeliner tho!

How much time? I wish it would hurry....

And as soon as I'm certified, we'll talk.