Have writings need imput

[soothsayer]

********************************************

Note: This work has been revised.

[soothsayer]

Note: This work has been revised.

[soothsayer]

Note: This work has been revised.

[Amerist]

Wow, this one is -- hrm, completely outside of my genre and expertise.

It reminds me a lot of the book Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Drugs. It certainly uses a lot of conversational English, band names, celebrity names, and a certain amount of vulgar argot that gives it a strange readability. The narration is really informal. It sounds... like nonfiction? If nothing else it has a strange tint to it.

The grammar is fine, it flows okay, there are some rough spots, but I think that could be caused primarily because I'm not into any music scene that ever existed. Although, it might be extremely useful for me to study them because one day I would like to write about a band, thus this has been more than interesting enough for me to keep reading. I suspect that this same hook will work for people interested in bands in general, so it has that.

I can't really give an adequate critical analysis of this work.

It reads like non-fiction, the ghost-biography of a band, it certainly works, it piques my geographic sense and raises questions, but it's too short for most of them to have been answered. Really nothing very outright interesting has happened in it, but since it has this informal non-fiction sense to it that doesn't bother me.

So, not bad, I'm actually kinda interested in seeing more, which is often the first goal of any author. To keep the reader.

[paradox]

just a few nit-picky details, nothing major as it seems ok.

From Atlanta over to Washington D.C. and into Philadelphia, the tour progressed without incident. Until in the middle of that leg of the tour, Sloan flew out to Vancouver where they played at Fox-fest.  The most poorly organized event that they had ever played up to that point.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

these sentances should be spliced together: "From Atlanta up to Washington D.C. and into Philadelphia, the tour progressed without incident until, in the middle of that leg, Sloan flew out to Vancouver to play Fox-fest, the most poorly-organized event they had ever participated in up to that point."

IMO it flows alot better. otherwise the short sentances feel too choppy.

New York is always interesting for the guys.

this jump feels too abrupt. maybe mention New York at the end of the precedding paragraph instead of just saying 'the States'? ie, "mascots not withstanding, the band went on to New York to continue the tour"?

The show itself was great, they  were "on" when it counted, as had always been a problem in New York.

perhaps try "which had previously been a problem"? otherwise it sounds like being "on" IS the problem...

or maybe throw a "this time they were "on" " in there?

something to clairify. i know what youre saying, but the wording isnt quite right, IMO.

[paradox]

up graded

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

upgraded...

Fountains' drummer Brian Young had the quote of the evening: "This Mexican shit's alright!"

this should be tacked on to the end of the previous para.

Then it was out to a record company dinner--Italian as usual--and the company of record pushers from various labels.

try it that way. again, flows better, IMO. too many short sentances = choppy.

[paradox]

near by

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

nearby =)

spooked out

spooked-out

The food may have been the first of many, signs of trouble.

no comma needed.

Not good they thought.

either italicize Not good or put it in quotes, followed by a comma: "Not good", they thought. / Not good, they thought. as the thought is theirs and not yours.

half eaten

half-eaten

its self

itself

And getting drunk while watching Leaving Las Vegas became the new favorite past time.

drop the 'And'

like i said, its good, im just nit-picking :grin

dont forget choppiness. long sentances are ok, you should expect a little education on your readers part.

[soothsayer]

I will be coming back to this thread later to go over the replies in detail. Right now I just want to say thanks muches to Paradox and Amerist for taking the time not only to read this but to give me your thoughts. It means alot and I can hardly sit still. =)

[paradox]

and I can hardly sit still.  =)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

well, dont hold it! go pee already!

sheesh... :laughing

[soothsayer]

It reminds me a lot of the book Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Drugs. It certainly uses a lot of conversational English, band names, celebrity names, and a certain amount of vulgar argot that gives it a strange readability. The narration is really informal. It sounds... like nonfiction? If nothing else it has a strange tint to it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It is non fictional, this band and the people mentioned are real. I have not heard of the book you mention. Do you really think it has a vulgarness about it?

The grammar is fine, it flows okay, there are some rough spots, ~ thus this has been more than interesting enough for me to keep reading.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you~ I realize that there are rough spots and I am going to smooth it out as I refine it. I'm glad it kept your interest, for someone that has no previous interest in this subject to want to keep reading then I have done my job correctly. =)

So, not bad, I'm actually kinda interested in seeing more, which is often the first goal of any author. To keep the reader.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

=) =) This last part is why I couldn't sit still ~ thank you for this compliment.

upgraded...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Damn spell check. :laughing

nearby =)

spooked-out

no comma needed.

either italicize Not good or put it in quotes, followed by a comma: "Not good", they thought.  / Not good, they thought. as the thought is theirs and not yours.

half-eaten

itself

drop the 'And'

like i said, its good, im just nit-picking :grin

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well that's just nit pickin' isn't it? :laughing

dont forget choppiness.  long sentances are ok, you should expect a little education on your readers part.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I will fix these. Thanks, what I did need was a second set of eyes.

[Amerist]

It is non fictional, this band and the people mentioned are real. I have not heard of the book you mention. Do you really think it has a vulgarness about it?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What I meant by vulgar was more along the lines of vulgar argot, the speech of the streets--the down-and-gritty. The sorts of things that make informal speech as interesting as it is. The parties, the jokes about the locations visited, the almost snickering attitude of the narration became what pulled me into the text.

I like the idea that I'm getting an on-the-road and behind-the-scenes view of the band; kind of like having a wrenchmonkey show off the inner-workings of a large engine, with all the grimy bits, the shiny new parts, the hoses, all the interesting and dirty machinations that make a machine's insides work.

[Kit Kat P]

:tear I wanted to see it