Broken Trust

[Crazed Vampyress]

Yes I'm just going to rant on again for a bit. It helps me clear my head and get things off my chest if i can write them down somewhere, and this seems as good a place as any.

I wont be offended if noone reads it. Its theraputic just to write it.

Years ago I met this guy and we became friends very quickly. Nothing more, just friends. And sooner than you would think, very close very good friends. He was probably the first person in my life I could do anything or say anything in front of and not be worried of what he might think. As time went on I think I became the same to him. We both managed at one point or another to make complete asses of ourselves in front of each other in every possible way and we just got insanely close. I loved him and he loved me and there was nothing romantic or relationship-like about it. We were simply the best of friends. Then one day he disapeared. He was just gone without a trace. No phone call. No email, letter, note, card or message of any kind. He was just gone. At first I didnt think too much of it, he's not the first of my friends to disapear for a few weeks. Hell, even I've done it. Sometimes you just need to disapear. Weeks turned into months. I tried calling his family. I tried repeatedly calling him, but nothing worked. I got worried. I got sad. I missed my friend so incredibly and as time went on and on I could simply not believe he was okay and just didnt get in touch with me. Something must have happened to him. Something must have kept him from calling me. I will never forget the night I sat home alone nearly 10 months after he had disapeared and finally broke down into tears. I was home, I couldnt bring myself to think the best any more. I stood for awhile staring at my closet, blinking thru tears trying to decide what I was going to wear to his funeral because I was convinced at this point that he was dead. I was so angry and so hurt and so worried, and it had been so long, that all of the feelings came flooding out at once and I found myself tearing clothes from my closet, violently throwing things around the room and it was several moments before I realised the sobbing and screaming I was listening to was actually me. I had given up, he was gone. He was dead and noone knew it but me. The feeling of giving up is not one I experience often and not something that makes its way to my mind without a terrible fight. I lost this fight. I did give up that night. A few months later on a day when nothing particularly important was happening my phone rang. It was HIM!!! He was not only alive, he was okay! Back in the old neighborhood catching up with family and friends. On the phone we laughed and I smiled so much my cheeks hurt. Not being a generally emotional person I think the most I managed to say were a few sentance fragments about "missed you. glad to hear from you. we have to get together and catch up. yes i was worried. i really missed you." but nothing I could force out of my mouth was even close to the relief i felt and the sheer happiness and excitement at his safe return. It was amazing to me how our friendship picked back up right where it had left off, and within a few weeks it was like no time had passed at all when we didnt talk. He told me a very strange, somewhat perplexing and complicated story as to what happened to him, where he was, why he was there, how come he was gone for so long and the reasons he couldnt get ahold of me to tell me he was okay. But honestly, before he had even finished explaining I had already forgiven the worry I went thru and gone far far beyond caring why he was gone and was just beside myself with the fact that he was, in fact, alive and now back. A bunch of time has passed since all of this. Things have been pretty normal for so long I cant even remember clearly when they weren't. I think part of me had actually forgotten about the entire thing. Then tonight he called me and said that what he told me about the reason he had disapeared so long ago for such a long time was in fact all a lie. He lied about where he had been, what he had been doing and why he was doing it. He lied that first phone call when he came back into my life, he lied to my face when I saw him and hugged him and told him I was glad he was safe and he further explained to me what had been going on, he's lied to me ever since whenever the topic was brought up. And now I feel like I've lost him all over again, because the friend I knew, the friend I counted on was not someone capable of lying to me like that. I feel like the person I've known all this time has been an imposter. He lied to me. There was no reason for it. There was no chance of loss for telling me the truth. There was nothing to gain either. He lied just for the sake of the lie. Just because this awful story was better, in his mind, than being honest with me. He didnt trust me to understand when understanding was all either of us had ever done for each other. So now for the second time in the years and years Ive known him, I am brought to tears. Painfully frustrated. Utterly shocked. Confused. Hurt beyond description. Not one little lie, but many dirty lies on top of each other to tell a story that's been kept up all this time. I could not be more hurt, I think. Boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers... they lie sometimes. Parents, children, family in general I expect that from. Even most of my friends I give a little leway to, because who am I to think anyone is honest 100% of the time. I know I'm not. But this is all beyond what I can fit inside my brain. This is bigger than I can hold on to from someone close enough to me to feel my tears when they break my heart.

And so all night I've been yelling inside my own head "All I want to know is what do I do next? Tell me how to face him again. Tell me how to forgive him, forget the entire mess and move on to rebuilding. Tell me how to choke back these tears. Tell me this is all a horrible joke at my expense. Tell me my friend would never really do this. Tell me anything." But I cant seem to answer myself, because I just don't know what Im supposed to do next.

[DisturbedMania]

Unfortunately the same decision I'm forced to make. He doesn't belong in your life.

[Homicidalheathen]

Anyone capable of lying to that extent to someone they are supposed to care about....well....is nucking futs!

Possibly even dangerous.......

Or maybe even capable of stealing.....I don't know. You loved a lie. (been there, done that) and were deluded.

Cut him loose.

I swear people are nuts these days. One thing I don't do is lie. You ask, I tell. You don't like what you hear? Who cares. At least your well informed and can make the choice.

Everyone deserves the truth so we can make our own choices.

I lost a good freind this year to the same thing. He lied about every aspect of his life to get me and my freinds to like him.

I would have liked him anyway.......so I guess maybe he is a compulsive liar?

[Steven]

Tough One.

Although I respect that he finnally came clean - it concerns me that he could and would maintain so much depth of lies - for so long - I dont understand this.

And the sad reality is that there is a very strong possibility that the person you love was a lie - he does not exist.

Still - there may be some root of this behaviour -that if yoru friend is willing to address in humility and truth and is willing to deal with it - then perhpas this would help you process better....seems to me he kind of owes it to you - but is he capable of it - and how do you trust it?

Be Careful.

Steven

[Onyx]

That is really strange.

I'm not sure you should keep this person in your life either. :(

It's actually kind of scary that someone would do this.

[DarkChylde]

Heh, much I really hate to say but been there done that, but it really does sux.

Sorry ta hear you have to suffer such a horrible emotional lead-on type deal though. In this day&age people have a tendency of fucking things up bad once its garanteed to be all good for eternity. I really wish I can say it would be ok but apparently I deal with the similar shit in my life. Even though I do have some good friends (which are mostly males these days) but I guess when it comes to opposite sex, it all ends terrible.

Aight im'a hush up now this is your moping circle lol. I do wish the best and hopefully things do get better for ya (incase if you still have the cell # your welcome to call) =)

[Cemetarystarr]

I as well wish i could say the majic words to stop your heart from breaking and remove all of your missery.....unfortunately i can not.... I can however offer my support and tell you to keep your chin up....i swear not everyone in life is shittie...even if it does appear that way...

If you ever need to talk message me...i don't always know what to say, but i am a good listener.

[Guest Game of Chance]

Ahem.

*Red Flag! Red Flag*

Sociopath alert.

[Crazed Vampyress]

Thank you to you all for your opinions, feelings and support.