Polyamorous relationships

[DJTodd]

I remember reading the other day that someone was involved in a polyamorous

relationship and was having troubles with her lover and jealousy.

I came across this website which I thought might be helpful to her and her lovers.

Polyamory FAQ

All the best...

Todd

[Killer_Bunnie]

that was full of alot of good things, but how realistic is it really? everyone is different

[Miranda]

I know better than to even try this. My personality wouldn't adapt to a polyamorous relationship. If it makes another person happy, it's their business. Just don't come crying to me, lol. I already play shrink to 3 clients... as I affectionately have dubbed them. :whistling

[Blackmail]

I know better than to even try this. My personality wouldn't adapt to a polyamorous relationship. If it makes another person happy, it's their business. Just don't come crying to me, lol. I already play shrink to 3 clients... as I affectionately have dubbed them.  :whistling

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's already been settled, they work for 2.5 out of the 10 who've tried it on DGN but they don't work for 99.99999% of everyone else.

And Miranda, you're exactly right about people doing something they know won't work and then complaining afterwards. I've been pointing out that these sort of relationships don't work for a while yet in the past year there have been no less than 3 different people coming here on DGN complaining directly about how an open relationship messed then up.

[torn asunder]

honestly, you can't tell anyone anything, they need to learn/experience things on their own... :erm

[Miranda]

honestly, you can't tell anyone anything, they need to learn/experience things on their own... :erm

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Most definitely. They come to you for advice, you give it, they do exactly the opposite.

One day soon, I will start charging for my mental health services. :devil

[Miranda]

It's already been settled, they work for 2.5 out of the 10 who've tried it on DGN but they don't work for 99.99999% of everyone else. 

And Miranda, you're exactly right about people doing something they know won't work and then complaining afterwards.  I've been pointing out that these sort of relationships don't work for a while yet in the past year there have been no less than 3 different people coming here on DGN complaining directly about how an open relationship messed then up.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I will give you my one and only experience on this. I was dating a guy, this was quite a long while ago. He asked me if I wanted to have a 3 way with him and his best friend. I said I didn't think it was a good idea, he persisted. So, eventually a few weeks later we started to have one, and he got mad because I started getting it on with his friend first. And then he huffed off and just watched. I still fucked his friend just based on principle. He should have never requested it if he couldn't deal with the ramifications. I dumped his whiny ass and began dating his friend. Damn, he was good.

[Fierce Critter]

There are at least two other older threads searchable in the Sex & relationships forums on this subject. Try searching the terms "open marriage" or "polyamory" and you should find them.

I brought one of them up because I have seen a couple documentaries on the subject, as well as known an unusual number of people into it. And in every case, these people ended up finding it hurt, rather than enriched their ability to function in a successful relationship.

As Blackmail mentioned, a few people came out publicly in support of them on DGN. It seems to work for them. But in general, my research & experience say it's a very, very bad idea.

[Blackmail]

honestly, you can't tell anyone anything, they need to learn/experience things on their own... :erm

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In general you don't go telling people they need to experience things for themselves when you have a pretty good idea it's a bad idea.

"Hey Blackmail, do you think I should bring a loaded gun into the bank when I make my withdrawl?"

"Well, I can't say, you need to experience things for yourself".

Simple statistics or reading just about any study ever done on the subject will tell you that it's not a good idea to get inolved in this sort of thing. Sure Torn, it works for you, your case is hardly the norm, it's not really even close, it does not work for the overwhelming majority of people out there.

Luckily most people don't really even consider these sort of relationships outside of the goth world*. If everyone was into polyamorous relationships our probate courts would be a mess.

*= I say most because I know some jackass is come in here and bring up a story about how their Uncle Dave tried a open relationship and use that as evidence to undermine my whole point, which seems to happen on DGN quite a bit.

[Miranda]

In general you don't go telling people they need to experience things for themselves when you have a pretty good idea it's a bad idea.   

"Hey Blackmail, do you think I should bring a loaded gun into the bank when I make my withdrawl?"

"Well, I can't say, you need to experience things for yourself".   

LMAO

Technically the common sense light should go on by a certain age... but the odd thing is, sense isn't common.

[Head Wreck]

nope.

if common sense was common things wouldnt have rediculous warning messages

like a bag of peanuts: "may contain nut traces"

or a tescos tiramasu pudding "dont turn upside down" (written on underside)

i am certan i am not cool with polygamy. i was brought up monogomous and my pearents are still together ( a rarity nowerdays). though i dont know for certan, grown up a bit and matured since my collage years i'm still not 100%. i do window shop though... you can look but not touch at least :whistling

[Guest Megalicious]

someone was involved in a polyamorous

relationship and was having troubles with her lover and jealousy.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Then I suppose it wasnt a polyamourous relationship, I was under the impression that in a polyamourous relationship both parties where comfortable with the suituation and there is no need for ill feelings or Jealousy.

[torn asunder]

In general you don't go telling people they need to experience things for themselves when you have a pretty good idea it's a bad idea.   

"Hey Blackmail, do you think I should bring a loaded gun into the bank when I make my withdrawl?"

"Well, I can't say, you need to experience things for yourself".   

the point i was trying to make (and apparently failed to) was that even when you offer your opinion, it's only your "opinion", based on what you know and your experiences. true, some people will hear you and say, "wow, i didn't realize - thanks for the advice!" but others will ignore what you say, and they're the ones who will learn for themselves. i think the biggest issue people have is being attached to the outcome of the situation - by all means, give as much advice as you want! just realize it's only "advice", they are completely entitled, as individuals, to listen, ponder, and use/discard your opinion as they see fit. they have no obligation to you to follow your advice, and you have no right to be upset with them "ignoring" you. sure, when people don't "listen" to me, i feel bad, because i'm fairly sure they will be hurt in some way, but as i've said before, if they understand as many of the ramifications as is possible, and still want to pursue something, it's their right to do so.

as for the "gun in a bank" scenario - most of what i'm talking about is related to mental health/personal issues, not physical danger/possible death scenarios. if their actions will endanger someone else, i'd do what i could to stop them. if, however, the danger is only to themselves, (and they're not mentally incompetent/insane/on drugs/etc) then, i'd let them. they break their leg jumping off the roof, they deserve it.

[torn asunder]

Then I suppose it wasnt a polyamourous relationship, I was under the impression that in a polyamourous relationship both parties where comfortable with the suituation and there is no need for ill feelings or Jealousy.

this is my understanding as well...

[ZhukovCodeslinger]

....people love to agree to stuff... then have a FuXXIng fit afterewards.

[Blackmail]

Then I suppose it wasnt a polyamourous relationship, I was under the impression that in a polyamourous relationship both parties where comfortable with the suituation and there is no need for ill feelings or Jealousy.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No they are still poly, it's just that they realized they couldn't handle it afterwards. Both parties agreed it would be an open relationship and they thought they could handle it, it was put into practice did a problem arise.

[Blackmail]

the point i was trying to make (and apparently failed to) was that even when you offer your opinion, it's only your "opinion", based on what you know and your experiences. true, some people will hear you and say, "wow, i didn't realize - thanks for the advice!" but others will ignore what you say, and they're the ones who will learn for themselves. i think the biggest issue people have is being attached to the outcome of the situation - by all means, give as much advice as you want! just realize it's only "advice", they are completely entitled, as individuals, to listen, ponder, and use/discard your opinion as they see fit. they have no obligation to you to follow your advice, and you have no right to be upset with them "ignoring" you. sure, when people don't "listen" to me, i feel bad, because i'm fairly sure they will be hurt in some way, but as i've said before, if they understand as many of the ramifications as is possible, and still want to pursue something, it's their right to do so.

as for the "gun in a bank" scenario - most of what i'm talking about is related to mental health/personal issues, not physical danger/possible death scenarios. if their actions will endanger someone else, i'd do what i could to stop them. if, however, the danger is only to themselves, (and they're not mentally incompetent/insane/on drugs/etc) then, i'd let them. they break their leg jumping off the roof, they deserve it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well I know my gun in bank analogy was fecetious, I was just trying to illustrate a point. I thought my "sex" thread could have been interesting but turned into a trainwreck because people took what I said out of context and turned it into a "you're trying to tell people how to live their lives" thing. Which, I suppose I was in a offhanded way.

I do unerstand what you are trying to say too. I do think open relationships can work for a small number of people (apparently you're one of them). However, in general, I think telling a friend not to get invovled in something like that is good advice. If I had a friend I cared about, I would certainly tell them I didn't think it was a good idea.

Anyway, my whole rant is based on this: On DGN I see someone post something pretty bizarre and I wonder why they are doing/saying something like that. 2 weeks later the same person complains about how their life is bad and often times it's directly related to the said action I objected to.

We have a 'play nice' rule so I can't name names, but this whole Poly thing is directly related to the above paragraph. This person is talking about and it's gonna blow up in their face, it sort of already has.

I can't be nice to people like some of you can, my attitude is "you're being a fucking idiot and you're causing your own problems, don't come bitching to me when it all goes wrong." DGN has made me that way, I used to be compassionate but I've seen so many people do so many obviously dumb things here (sex, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friendhsips) that I just shake my head nowadays.

OK rant over.

[torn asunder]

Well I know my gun in bank analogy was fecetious, I was just trying to illustrate a point.    I thought my "sex" thread could have been interesting but turned into a trainwreck because people took what I said out of context and turned it into a "you're trying to tell people how to live their lives" thing.    Which, I suppose I was in a offhanded way. 

i agree - it could have come out better, but such is the nature of a discussion board... *sigh*

I do unerstand what you are trying to say too.  I do think open relationships can work for a small number of people (apparently you're one of them).  However, in general, I think telling a friend not to get invovled in something like that is good advice.    If I had a friend I cared about, I would certainly tell them I didn't think it was a good idea.

and for most, that's good advice, especially if you know the person well, and know that they aren't mature enough to handle something like that. each case is subjective, really - dependant upon the person.

Anyway, my whole rant is based on this:  On DGN I see someone post something pretty bizarre and I wonder why they are doing/saying something like that.    2 weeks later the same person complains about how their life is bad and often times it's directly related to the said action I objected to.   

We have a 'play nice' rule so I can't name names, but this whole Poly thing is directly related to the above paragraph.  This person is talking about and it's gonna blow up in their face, it sort of already has.   

I can't be nice to people like some of you can, my attitude is "you're being a fucking idiot and you're causing your own problems, don't come bitching to me when it all goes wrong."    DGN has made me that way, I used to be compassionate but I've seen so many people do so many obviously dumb things here (sex, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friendhsips) that I just shake my head nowadays. 

OK rant over.

it's frustrating to no end, seeing people commit the very acts that are making them miserable, especially when they've "ignored" others' "advice". when it comes to relationships (*any* relationships, really) the reason so many of them don't work is because the people involved simply aren't mature enough to handle them. insecurity, jealousy, being controlling (both of which stem from insecurity, imo), selfishness, being inconsiderate - these are all signs (to me) that a person doesn't know him/herself very well, and isn't ready for a commitment, much less something like an open relationship. in my experience, many of the people who enter into them (open relationships) do so out of a feeling of worthlessness, of feeling like they'll take any/some affection, over having none, and if they have to let the other "play" to keep them, they will, even if they can't stand it. i think the ones for whom it works, however, are open and honest enough with their emotions that if a situation comes up that creates negativity, they are able to talk through it, rather than hide it and let things build up until all hell breaks loose. the biggest, well, actually to my mind, the *only* problem that exists in *any* relationship is lack of open communication. if the people involved can be honest with each other, and really discuss their feelings, they can come to an understanding, what works/doesn't work, even if that may mean whether they stay together, or go their separate ways. =)

[Blackmail]

Torn the one thing I take issue with above is that you seem to equate not being able to handle an open relationship with maturity. This too might be the nature of message boards and me not reading you correctly, but there are plenty of mature people who could not or would not participate in a poly relationship.

[torn asunder]

Torn the one thing I take issue with above is that you seem to equate not being able to handle an open relationship with maturity.  This too might be the nature of message boards and me not reading you correctly, but there are plenty of mature people who could not or would not participate in a poly relationship.

sure, you're right, maturity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with polyamory - i mean that, for people who were interested in it, most aren't mature enough to handle all of the emotions it can stir up. people i consider "mature" are able to decide for themselves whether that's something they want to get involved in. i didn't at all mean to imply that people who aren't into polyamory aren't mature - on the contrary, if they know themselves well enough to know it's not for them, i think they have a much better chance of knowing what they *do* want/need.

was that what you were getting at? i hope so... =)

[TygerLili]

Nope!

I know this wouldn't work for me. I don't know anyone IRL who has tried this who and still thought it was a good idea afterwards. It sounds good on paper, but it doesn't work when you throw in real people with issues and emotions.

I know there are a couple of you here who claim it works for you, and I won't dispute you, but you won't convince me, either.

[Steven]

sure, you're right, maturity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with polyamory - i mean that, for people who were interested in it, most aren't mature enough to handle all of the emotions it can stir up. people i consider "mature" are able to decide for themselves whether that's something they want to get involved in. i didn't at all mean to imply that people who aren't into polyamory aren't mature - on the contrary, if they know themselves well enough to know it's not for them, i think they have a much better chance of knowing what they *do* want/need.

was that what you were getting at? i hope so...  =)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

we all "want" many things.

doesent mean we can handle it.

nor does it mean its a good decision.

I've "decided" for myself many stupid ass things to get involved with.

then I "decided" that I was stupid as for deciding that.

desire in and of itself is hardly a thing of substance.

but it sure as hell can bring a wrecking ball into your life.

[torn asunder]

we all "want" many things.

doesent mean we can handle it.

nor does it mean its a good decision.

I've "decided" for myself many stupid ass things to get involved with.

then I "decided" that I was stupid as for deciding that.

desire in and of itself is hardly a thing of substance.

but it sure as hell can bring a wrecking ball into your life.

true, which is why i personally won't do anything unless i've thought it through as much as i possibly can, and have decided that i will accept any positive or negative results that stem from my choice. if i'm not ok with some of the possible negatives, i won't try it, either until i *am* ready, or ever, if the consequences are worse than i'm willing to live with. that's my point, though - personal responsibility... if i choose to do something, i have only myself to blame for any consequences. example: i ride a motorcycle - if i wasn't ready to accept the fact that i could die at any moment on it, (which is true of anything, really) i wouldn't ride it. period. i know a lot of people who would never, ever consider riding, because they're unwilling to accept the risk. that's all life really is - weighing pros & cons, and making choices and living your life based on what is acceptable risk to you. i may totally fuck up my life, but it will be on my terms, by my own choice, not anyone else's...

[Nienna]

My roomie is in a very sucessful Poly situation. Everyone is cool with it and all are happy.

However, when I tried it myself some years ago, it literally destroyed my relationship and damaged some friendships.

SO... take it with caution. It's not for everyone, but for some it is the only way they can be happy!

[Daevion]

This kind of relationship isn't my style.....I can't imagine being with anyone other than Bella Morte.