Is It Ever Ok. . .

[Gauge]

or look through their things or snoop or whatever? just something i was wondering views on cause of a show i caught. opinions. ideas.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

Depends. Do you want to raise your child or do you just want to watch them grow up without you really knowing whats going on?

[honeymustard02]

I think if you have a good open relationship with your child and they can come to you about ANYTHING, then no it's not ok.

My parents let me have a lot of room to grow, but they did keep checks on me. I could talk to my mom about anything.

You have to worry when they stop talking to you. Other then that just keep an open line of communication. It's also good if they know they can go to other family/friends that you trust.

[BrassFusion]

What's the purpose of a diary that isn't private? If you find a child's diary and read it and they find out, or have reason to suspect you read it, they just won't write in their diary anymore. And that's not good for anyone.

[Homicidalheathen]

Only if you think your kids life is in danger. I would say no, but if you notice cutting.....lots of skipping school....drug use.....then yes. Or if you think the kid is being abused. I would try talking first though, because your breaking a boundary of trust.....you may not be able to get through to them after this except to have an athority or someone else step in to help so this would be a last resort for me.

[creatureofthenyte]

I think trust has to go both ways between a parent and their child. You have to trust that they will talk to you if they need to. Like HH said, if you see obvious signs of disorderly behavior, then talk to the child. But reading the child's diary, is overstepping the boundary of a parent, and is unacceptable. Same goes for the child, the parent would not want the child to read their diary, if they keep one, so why would the parent think its ok to read the child's ???

[sass_in_the_pants]

My friend Jonathan, he had cool parents. They respected his privacy. They never read through his personal letters, which were stored, not-so-sneakily, in his top desk drawer. But he was a good kid, nothing for his parents to worry about. He was on the football team and ran track. His girlfriend was Michelle, and she was pretty and sweet. He had been accepted to University of Michigan, on a partial scholarship.

On December 16th, 1996, while his family was out at the movies, he sat on the couch, watched some television, drank a Pepsi, and then shot himself in the face. It was his younger brother that walked in the house first and found him. His younger brother, who also had a very bright future ahead of him, at that very moment, lost his mind. He shot himself in the face, two years later, to the day.

My friend Jonathan had actually gone into great detail about his plans for the suicide. It was all written down, in his perfect penmanship, in letters that were not-so-sneakily stored in his top desk drawer. In letters that his parents chose not to read because they respected his privacy, because he was a good kid, because they didn't want to be "snoops".

So, my answer to this question might seem obvious.

Read the damn letters.

[paradox]

hells yes its ok to read them. your children are minors and thus your legal responsibility until you are 18. you damn well better know what they wont willingly tell you, because you are responsible for them AND because you have a responsibilty to them to raise them as best you can.

how can you discern the best path if you are ignorant to the context of your situation?

[Saephyr]

shot himself in the face. It was his younger brother that walked in the house first and found him. His younger brother, who also had a very bright future ahead of him, at that very moment, lost his mind. He shot himself in the face, two years later, to the day.

Read the damn letters.

Holy God I'm so sorry to see this posting. I feel the same. Your child may need your advice on a LOT of issues and feel that you can't be "talked to" due to the nature of things. They are kids and you are the grown up and you are not the same. you can be pals but not friends. You have to be seen as the authority and the one that loves them in any case that they may have.

In fact...I am pissed off that my x husband doesn't get more snoopy with my former stepson. He lost his brother to a terminal disease and he had to watch him dying daily with no hope of EVER being a child he could play with or show love to or even call a baby brother. They never got to speak 1 single word to each other so don't you think he should be snooped on? Hell yes he should I worry about ALL kids now. If they even attempted to have the teenage life that some of us had, can you imagine it? :confused :fear :blushing :tear

I hope I can sleep now..damn.

[livininxtcgoth]

if its just out of curiousity, or has a totally unfounded basis---if you're just snooping to find out things about them, then NO. my mom used to do this all the time, i was a really good kid and she'd come up behind me and insist upon reading all my im conversations and she'd always peek over and see what i'm writing on Word or in a notebook. its really irritating because i hardly ever did anything wrong and it was a huge and totally unfounded invasion of my privacy. she would go to sites she knew i went to and go to the sites NOT to look out and make sure i was being responsible online but to hold against me every little thing she took out of context that i posted on online journals etc.

THE ONLY TIME IT IS OK TO SNOOP THROUGH YOUR CHILD'S THINGS (especially something really personal like a diary, where i only wrote my thoughts most of the time anyway, not an actual account of what i was actually really doing in my life) is when you have GOOD REASON from various examples in their behavior that they are doing something that they could hurt themselves (ie drug addictions, serious deliquency such as vandalism and major law breaking, or something along those lines)

i know because its been done to me and i've had a lot of insane reprimands for things i either wasnt even doing, i was just writing about or things that were taking grossly out of context that its not right at all to invade your childs privacy with out a REASON.

Pay attention to your children. if you start to suspect they're acting funny or acting much differently than usual in a negative light, then maybe you should poke a little bit into their personal items/writings to try to prove your suspiscions right or wrong. its a parent's responsibility to make sure that their child is leading a good life and developing good morals and ethics, not to know every little thought or inside joke.

[livininxtcgoth]

(and after reading homocidalheathen's post i just say i totally agree with her)

[Onyx]

(and after reading homocidalheathen's post i just say i totally agree with her)

I also would agree with her.

[Msterbeau]

I'm pretty much agreeing with HH too. There's a fine line between parental responsibility and breaking the trust of your child. There should be a damn good reason to go snooping into a private diary. On the other hand... Keeping an eye on their internet use (Or some similar type of activity) is totally fair game. I think a parent who's truly involved and sensitive to what's going on with their kids, is going to detect behavior that indicates a problem.

[Paper Hearts]

Yeah, just do whatever.

[TygerLili]

Only if you think that they might be endangering themselves or someone else. And if you get caught looking through their stuff you'd better have a damn good explanation why.

[phee]

Why do you want to read my childs diary?

[Rayne]

I also agree with HH.

[Rayne]

"Becauase I said so"

Ya know, "Because I said so" makes soooo much more sense when your a parent.

[Rayne]

It works too!

... eh ... usually.

Doesn't work all too well on Emily, but my others it does.

[Onyx]

"Becauase I said so"

I'm pretty sure you were joking (at least I hope so), but I'm surprised at how many parents think this is an appropriate way to talk to their children.

It's nothing but laziness as a parent and I've seen the children obey like good little soldiers while the parent is watching but end up into everything as soon as they turn their back. These are the same kids who often end up in trouble when they get out on their own (if they are ever even able to support themselves) since they only learned to follow orders and never to reason for themselves. It's very easy to take advantage of someone who has never had the opportunity to develop self-discipline.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

It also helps to teach the child to respect Authority. Well, as long as you also discipline the child for failing to do as they are told. What exactly is wrong with teaching a child that other people can and do have authority over them and that there are consequences for their actions?

[Onyx]

It also helps to teach the child to respect Authority. Well, as long as you also discipline the child for failing to do as they are told. What exactly is wrong with teaching a child that other people can and do have authority over them and that there are consequences for their actions?

Nothing is wrong with that, however I also feel it is important for a child to understand why the rules are there and have a chance to screw up now and then so that they aren't bailed out every time they do mess up. Suffering the consequences for a wrong action (I'm talking small things like a late homework assignment) can make a child realize that they really aren't special and the world really won't stop for them.

It also has to be adjusted for age. I'm not going to chase my teen around and remind her over and over to do her homework. She's nearly an adult and she knows she has to do it (and she does - As and Bs this time around). I told her when she started high school that she was responsible for getting her work done and she's paid for putting it off by pulling a couple of all-nighters (which I really think was a good thing for her to learn. It's just not worth putting things off sometimes).

For my 8 year old I'm more involved in making sure everything is done.

[Saephyr]

Wow what a heated thread... well funny this came up.

My godkid #1 just got busted by her mother for doing some drinking and driving, via HER DIARY. Yea she's fantastic. She has 8 college credits and she JUST graduated. She has a school lined u pin AZ for tech stuff... so why look in there/ well when we were her age... ya get me?

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

I've been lucky... the point at which "Because I said so." stopped working has also been about the age I would stop using it anyway. Out of 6 kids I still only use it on the 4 year old. The last time I said it to my 8 year old he was 7 and he asked "But why did you say so?"

[Steven]

I dont have kids.

but if I did, and I belevied I had sound reason to investigate certain things, then yes, while said child is still under your roof, know as much as you can.

that includes knowing who their friends are.

where they hang out.

what kinds of music they listen to - and read the lyrics as well.