Pointless marriage?

[wheresmypiggy]

So some of you know I'm all but married. We act like it, live like it, even tell people that we are.

John is a wonderful wonderful person. But his age keeps creeping out. Not that he is that much younger than me. Only 10months. But his immaturity is driving me insane. I love him to death.

We have an odd relationship. He knows I'm not one to be tied down. I have permission to be with whomever I please. Well I never took advantage of it until recently and I even asked permission.

I met this great guy named Nick. We hit it off immediately. He makes me laugh, smile, treats me like a princess and is way more my style. Likes more of the same stuff I do.

I came home this weekend after my birthday party and staying with Nick. John immediately demanded we have sex. He is my husband. I would never deny him. So we did.

"So, who was better"

That question threw me off.

I don't like being put on the spot like that. Neither is better. Both different in their own ways. Both please me differently.

Nick offered to back off so as not to cause problems between John and I. I would have none of it. Nick is still my friend. I created the situation and I have to deal with the consequences.

We went to Necto Monday for my birthday. I rode with Nick. My friends Vicky and Jeff rode together. Jayson and John rode with Skunkboy.

John immediately ran up to me grabbed me and kissed me with such force that he scared me. I was in the middle of a conversation with Nick and he excused himself. John was wasted. You could smell it on him. He was talking like a little child and whining and grabbing my ass and yelling that I was his woman. I was so embarassed.

Jayson in the meantime is getting hit on by Vicky. Jeff is getting pissed and Skunkboy is off getting drunk.

Now most of you know how I am with my friends. I hug them and give them kisses. This has never been a problem before.

I see a few people I haven't seen in awhile and they are drunk and run up and hug me. John grabs me and is leaning on me slurrring his words and spitting in my face that he loves me and i'm his woman and everyone better know that.

I didn't sign up to marry a future white trash drunk.

I don't need my ass grabbed. I don't need to be shoved around by a drunk ( he would never raise a hand to me)

I venture off to find Nick to apologize.

Nick grabs my hand and tells me he can't stop thinking about me, he is falling for me hard and fast and he wants nothing but the best for me and so he thinks he should back off.

I tell him I love John and I'm sorry he is being an asshole, I really like him (Nick) and I want to stay friends with him and see where this thing goes. John ok'd this to begin with. Its started and I want to see it out to the finish.

Here comes John. Walks/ staggers up and grabs my ass. Grabs my neck hard (there is a new tattoo there) and kisses me until I almost choke.

I look back. Nick is gone.

I don't want to marry a child. I offered to stop seeing Nick. John said no. Do what I want. Now all of a sudden its a problem. I didn't expect them to be freinds. But i did expect them both to be civil. I figured if anyone was going to be an ass it would be Nick but I was so suprised to find out otherwise.

In the background Jeff is now accusing John and Jayson of calling Vicky a whore, trying to fight Jayson because Vicky has been leaving hickys all over him.

The lights come on and its time to go.

Drama in the P.M T.N.T

Screaming, fighting, I just want to get outside.

We get to the car, I see Nick ahead of us and I call for him. He ignores me. Jeff ditches Vicky and heads home with Nick. Vicky takes my friend Danny home. Jayson gets disappointed about it. John wont stop grabbing at me.

The ride home is ridiclous. We get lost, John starts slurring about how we can take some rd back to 94. I curl up and go to sleep. He starts crying about what an asshole he is and how sorry he is. How he is insecure and pathetic and no fun to be around.

I hate self pity.

I tell him I love him, the night is over and I apologize for putting either of them in that situation.

I haven't spoken to him since. We both left for work this morning in silence.

If Nick calls me back I don't think I'm going home tonight. I just need a place to crash until I can figure this all out.

[kellygrrrrrl]

perhaps marriage to this fella is not in the cards?

it took me 6 years of friendship and 5 years of dating to know that I was ready to marry my husband. (Not in that order...)

sounds like there is some 2nd thoughts about the guy (john)...if there is ANY doubt, don't do it.

sounds like the open relationship is not something he handles very well......is HE sure he can deal with that?

[Msterbeau]

Eek....

Sorry things are such a mess. A word of advice. You should go to a neutral place to think things over... Not, Nick's, not home, not anyplace that is likely to cause more drama or bias feelings one way or another.

Unfortunately for some of us... it takes a while to figure out what healthy, honest people look like before we get too involved.

You deserve the best Jessie. Take the time to figure out what that is and don't let yourself be manipulated by other's needs. Your health and happiness is paramount to being happy with others....

[The_Dark]

I agree with Marc.. a nuetral place would be the best. You need to figure out what you want without causing any more drama.

Nick sounds like a nice guy who is trying to avoid trouble... He also sounds like he repsects that John isn't as cool with an open relationship as he thought he would be.

John. Well, he sounds like he agreed to an open relationship because he thought noone would ever act on it. He doesn't sound immature, he sounds conflicted. He loves you, he agreed to an open realationship.. he regrets that, but doesn't see much of a way out. Jealosy ensues.

BTW: He's not acting like a drunken hick... drunken hicks dont do the open relationship thing.

[Onyx]

if there is ANY doubt, don't do it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I can definitely agree with that.

If you two are right for each other you may eventually end up together, but it doesn't sound like now is the time to decide to marry. I made a huge mistake with my first marriage, and I would never have ended up with the wrong person if I had just waited a little longer.

(((hugs)))

[wheresmypiggy]

There doesn't seem to be any neutral ground. If I don't come home I'm gonna hear the self pity sob again.

"I'm sorry, its all my fault, i'm an asshole"

If I go home its like saying everything is alright.

Everytime I try to talk to him about it he plays the guilt game.

He ruined my life, hes sorry, hes an asshole, do what i want, he just wants me to be happy blah blah blah.

I've heard it over and over again in the past few hours.

I know spending my life with John is the right thing to do. The smart thing to do and what will make me happy.

I know giving up that last little bit of what makes me me will in turn make me someone else.

I know life is based on sacrifices but goddamn.

I see myself marrying john and spending the rest of my life with him.

I don't see that with Nick. But I have fun with him. I just want to be young and have fun. Its not like I'm reckless with it.

Ugh. Why didn't I switch states when I had the chance. Why did I stay here. I could have avoided all of this.

Girls suck

Boys are for me to poop on.

And the merry-go-round spins faster.

[Mickmick]

From my own personal experience, open relationships never work. They always leave someone with regrets, and jealousy which lead to the sorts of behaviors you describe here. This is a tough one.

The only way you will be able to make any decisions is to be AWAY from both of them though. If your husband/boyfriend agreed to an open relationship in order to keep you, he'll agree to a trial seperation as well.

Good luck.

[Guest Megalicious]

I see myself marrying john and spending the rest of my life with him.

I don't see that with Nick. But I have fun with him. I just want to be young and have fun. Its not like I'm reckless with it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Having fun at what expence? I think your husband has made it really clear that he can not remain in an open relationship. Maybe he thought he could, but judging by your post Id say that is a big fat NO.

If you love this man you have to not only respect his wishes, but think about his feelings in ever siutation you come across, that is what marriage is, and though it may not bother you having an open relationship, I clearly bothers him.

I'd say if you really cant just stick to one person for now, that you end it and end it quickly. And save you both alot of heartache, I know that you love him, but sometimes that is isn't enough. You need to do one of two things, decided your going to have a faithful Marriage, or end it, because if you just linger in this limbo, if you keep going around in thesse circles, its going to do nothing but hurt and cause resentment between the two of you.

I wish you the best of luck Jessi, and hope you make a choice that leaves you happy.

[Homicidalheathen]

I am in an open marriage and try to treat him with respect. However, we talked about it before we got married and were monogomus for years first. One rule, we don't stay out all night without each other. Can you imagine how this must have felt for the poor boy.....home alone all night wondering....no wonder he asked who was better.

Do you make it easy or fair for him? Do you help him find girls and/or swap so he can have fun too? It has to be give and take. Your an attractive, dancer......you probably get more women than him let alone men.

And too bring this other guy around when your not getting along......then post that your 'husband' is imature, drunk.....white trash...

Maybe you should be single until you find someone who can be in the kind of relationship you want.

I bet this other guy won't be so keen on sharing either. Given the chance.

[Head Wreck]

well it seems he does love you, and wants to offer an open relationship thinking thats what you want. but i dont think he quite knew where he was emotionally.

i am a monogomous person by nature, and i am allso a very jelous type, though i try holding it back it does eat away at me. i've had to end too many relationships as i did not want to put a person in a situation like your current one.

but all relationships need work. maybe when i have matured more i may be in a position where i could take the pressures or i got involved with someone i know that they love me mutually enough for mr paranoia and mr jelousy to not kick up a fuss in my head.

cool off period alone with thoughts is allways best. this can take a week, this can take a few years (5 years on i still dont consider myself stable relationship material, nor do i consider the one i seperated with mentaly or emotionaly stable), and ultimatly, like i belive my case, i just dont think i've met the one yet.

however. words spoken or typed in anger may be a bitter pill to swallow in the future if you do indeed choose to be with him, this needs to be talked over, not bitched about to drive another wedge between you two.

its best to be friends afterwards than enemies.

[Steven]

I think you need some tacos.

call me.

I just PM'd ya.....

[honeymustard02]

Leave. You seem to come up with every reason to not be with him more then why you should be with him.

[wheresmypiggy]

Herein the problem lies. I asked for a seperation. He said no. He will deal with the situation. I offered to stop seeing Nick, he said no, do what makes me happy.

I stayed out all night because it was my suprise birthday party. Not because i slept with Nick. I came home the night that happened.

I did not call him white trash. Just stated that that is what his drinking problem is leading him into.

He has offered to quit drinking and wants to apologize to Nick. That I don't think is a good idea.

Of course I have tried to get other girls for him. He doesn't want them. I don't dance anymore because he made me uncomfortable at work. He would come in and watch me. I know that sounds silly but I didn't like it so I quit so I could be home with him more.

I know this situation sounds selfish to most of you. But its something that we have discussed since before we were together. It only became a problem once he got drunk.

I'm not someones property or territory. Hopefully with him quitting drinking this problem will resolve itself. It meant alot to me when he offered to quit. I told him he didnt have to quit, just not get drunk and mean.

[honeymustard02]

It sounds to me more of a controling abusive relationship. Someone doesn't have to hit you for it to be considered abuse.

If you're going to stick with him then make a deal that you BOTH get help to work it out or nothing at all.

And that whole open relationship thing doesn't work out all that often. Someone may say they're ok with it even though they aren't. That can lead to hearts being walked over.

[The_Dark]

Then they get drunk and thier true inner feeling come out.

[wheresmypiggy]

Then they get drunk and thier true inner feeling come out.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Seems that is exactly what happened. Looks like Jesi is going to be single again.

[Steven]

the kid's in love Jesi. that's the problem.

that's what happens when things get intimate (not talking about sex).

you start out with open minded intentions, everythign's easy...then it's just.....not anymore.

and here's a hint - Dude's get all jacked up over that shit - chicks handle it way easier, I dont know why. Probably because men are much more one dimensional and much more sensitive than we let on. Usually at your age - women have learned to seperate themselves and contend with more than men have had to contend with, your better suited to change, and your better suited at self protection inside of your personal ideals.

I dont think he's an asshole or even abusive. I think he's just young and also not able to handle the thought of you giving yourself away to others. On paper - it sounds perfectly rational. But reality creeps in - he hates it. And he has no tools to deal with it, so he drinks and becomes a mess, and vents all over the place, and tries to insert some depserate control, because he has none. He loves you and wants you to be happy so he agrees to what sounds good. But he cant handle it. Maybe he should not have to, maybe its really not a good arrangement to be in for him. Maybe its not a good arrangement for either one of you? that parts up to you to decide. But feelings for one another rarely equates to success in this lifestyle.

and also.....your NOT married.

you live as if your are.....but you have a back door clause that allows you to escape. Marriage is all encompassing, and its hard. I'd love to be able to jump on every redhead that comes my way. But at the same time - I could not deal with the pain it would cause Laura, and I definately could not ever handle the idea of her being with somone else. So to me, its a worthwhile sacrifice. I dont want to be "free"...I want to be fullfilled....there's a big difference.

your not ready to be married yet. thats not a judgement call and you know I dig you. But your not ready to give up "others" and that sort of freedom. perhaps one day you will be, perhaps not. I'm not a beleiver in open relationships. I know lots of people disagree with me, I dont really care. I just know that for me....it never works, and I've tried it. Actually for most people it never works, it always ends up painfull and messy in the end. Someone gets hurt. we accuse each other of changing and/or being selfish. Sure there are exceptions. but theyre rare. ANd for me personally......I dont want to be an execption....I want to be the completion of what my wife needs, and vice versa. I'll pay whatever price I have to pay - to make sure she's got that foundation with me. that's marriage.

Steven

[Guest Megalicious]

you live as if your are.....but you have a back door clause that allows you to escape.  Marriage is all encompassing, and its hard.  I'd love to be able to jump on every redhead that comes my way.  But at the same time - I could not deal with the pain it would cause Laura, and I definately could not ever handle the idea of her being with somone else.  So to me, its a worthwhile sacrifice.  I dont want to be "free"...I want to be fullfilled....there's a big difference. 

your not ready to be married yet.  thats not a judgement call and you know I dig you.  But your not ready to give up "others" and that sort of freedom.  perhaps one day you will be, perhaps not.  I'm not a beleiver in open relationships.  I know lots of people disagree with me, I dont really care.  I just know that for me....it never works, and I've tried it.  Actually for most people it never works, it always ends up painfull and messy in the end.  Someone gets hurt.  we accuse each other of changing and/or being selfish.  Sure there are exceptions.  but theyre rare.  ANd for me personally......I dont want to be an execption....I want to be the completion of what my wife needs, and vice versa.  I'll pay whatever price I have to pay - to make sure she's got that foundation with me.  that's marriage. 

Steven

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Steven your posts always make me cry .. Laura is really lucky and thats all Im going to say ...

[Brenda Starrr]

Steven your posts always make me cry .. Laura is really lucky and thats all Im going to say ... 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

He really DOES rock, doesn't he?

[Guest Megalicious]

He really DOES rock, doesn't he?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

He is the great myth .... lol .. Im just kidding Steven I know it took alot of time, understanding, hardship, and love for you and Laura to have the kind of marriage that you do. I just hope one day that my hardship and love can one day bloom into something beautiful... something like what you and Laura have.

[Steven]

He is the great myth .... lol .. Im just kidding Steven I know it took alot of time, understanding, hardship, and love for you and Laura to have the kind of marriage that you do.  I just hope one day that my hardship and love can one day bloom into something beautiful... something like what you and Laura have.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thank you Meg (and Brenda). I really appreocate that.

[Guest Megalicious]

thank you Meg (and Brenda).  I really appreocate that.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

your most welcome Steven. Its the truth

[Mickmick]

Open relationsips don't work. I have yet to be a part of a successful one, or see one work long term. People agree to them in the hopes they will never come up, and when they do, they freak out.

If this guy was willing to let you try the open relationship thing and hang on, then he will try to the seperation thing too.

From what you've said, I don't get the feeling you're ready to be committed to one person yet. IF that's the case, cut him loose nice a clean and keep on doing what makes you happy until you change. Don't make decisions for the sake of others. If YOU aren't happy, you can't make anybody else happy either.

Good luck!

[Brenda Starrr]

your most welcome Steven. Its the truth 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yup.

[Blackmail]

Open relationsips don't work.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

They work for 2 and a half people on DGN. They just don't work for 99.9999% of the other people who've tried them. Otherwise I agree with everything you said.