Pointless marriage?

[bav]

I'm calling shenanigans.

It sounds like John is playing a passive-aggressive game, whether he means to or not. I'll back up the idea that initially the idea of an open relationship sounded good in theory because it'll make you happy but then it changed when actually confronted with it. The aggressiveness while drunk smacks of 'marking his territory' and the constant self-flagellation/guilt issues he's dumping on you about the drunken night is a form of passive-aggressive control...not saying he doesn't feel guilt about it but its obvious he has a problem with the idea of an open relationship. So instead of stepping up to bat and sitting down and talking about it with you on what/how he feels in a rationale manner, its a lot easier to beat himself up, make you uncomfortable, and avoid anything that will actually deal with the problem.

If he is unwilling to do this but you want to preserve your relationship with him then you need to sit him down and go through it. Don't put up with bullshit and get him to talk to you about it.

He says he's 'still okay' with you being with other people and wants to apologize to Nick...easier words to say but why would anything have changed at this point if he can't talk to you about it depth? If you believe it, then you are setting yourself up for more of the same.

Side note - Most polyamorous relationships I've seen don't work out due to lack of honest communications between both primary partners, lack of respect between both partners, and/or 1 person is agreeable to it because they think it will make the other person happy without taking into account their own honest feelings about it.

Your situation sounds like its all 3.

Maintaining a 2-person long-term, serious relationship/marriage requires lots of communication and respect. Polyamorous relationships require even more to be successful.

[kellygrrrrrl]

wow...that was very insightful bav!

[wheresmypiggy]

We sat down and talked it over. He is trying to reassure me that everything is fine. He quit drinking even. (just means more time for video games woot!)

Nick left for Thailand for 2 weeks to see his girlfriend. When he left John thought I would be sad. So he sat me down and told me all the reasons to why he loved me and why he thought Nick would be attracted to me as well.

One of his reasons was my ability to have sympathy, compassion and feelings for other people. My ability to be a free spirit. He admitted that he acted badly at first. After all if he had never agreed to it I would have never done it.

I've heard over and over that a marriage is about communication and trust. That is exactly what we have. I just stepped outside to find anothers view. Thats why I posted my problem here. Amongst people who I thought would not be biased on the situation.

I have been in a few open relationships, they worked just fine while they lasted. I can't help that I'm young and have a different view on the way the world works.

We live past the age of 40 nowadays. The idea of being with the same person the rest of your life is beautiful. But the quest for curosity is great. There are so many different feelings, and different kinds of people in the world. Experience is something you learn from.

Being with Nick made me realize what I adore in John and what he sometimes lacks. Not that thats a bad thing. Thats what makes him unique. Thats what makes me love him all the more.

I've known John since I was 15. 1yr less than I knew my ex fiance`. He knows everything I have been through in just the last few years. Knows what kind of person I am. Of course he had never been put in this situation and he thought he would be able to handle it differently.

"I was just shocked that it happened. I knew we had talked about it but I guess I didnt prepare myself for it actually happening" -John

He did act very immaturely over the situation, and I do expect more from him than that. Just because he had a problem with the situation (which he said he did not before we even went to the club) doesnt give him the right to get drunk and be childish about it. When I sat him down to talk about it he pulled the poor me act at first because he was embarassed for acting that way.

I can't expect anyone to understand my feelings or my expectations. I can't expect anyone to understand our relationship.

We patched things up and worked things out and even set a date for our wedding. (our spiritual ceremony) Marriage by law is merely a piece of paper to me. Just another viewing of ownership. I know a few of you will jump on me for that but like I said. Its just my view.

We are marrying each other because we love each other, want to help each other grow and make each other happy, by any means.

I made this post the day after the events took place. Of course I was still a bit angry, frustrated even. We took time to talk it out and work it out and I even showed him this thread. I have nothing to hide from him. He was grateful in some ways for what people said. Was slighty shocked at the defense people put up for him. He didnt feel he deserved it because I had sugar coated what had really happened.

I dont' know. I guess what I'm saying is I needed outside input in order to help our relationship. This was just a lot cheaper than a marriage councelor.

[Blackmail]

Hey WheresMyPiggy didn't I just solve your problem a few posts back? And then Bav comes in and tries to take credit by typing a 20 paragraph essay saying exactly what I said in just 1 paragraph. So remember, it was Black Sunday (or Blackmail or whatever the hell my name is on here) that fixed your problem and not Bav.

Oh yeah, don't get married.

I'll let you buy me lunch to pay me back. Zumba sound good to you?

[Guest Megalicious]

Amongst people who I thought would not be biased on the situation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think Im about as objective and un-bias as it gets, I dont know you or anyone else envolved in the situation. The only thing I have to go on is your post. If you dont like what people have to say then dont post in a public forum, what should (at least in my opinion) be resovled privately with your husband. If you chosse to post private matters, then you should be able to deal with the aftermath of the post. Its pretty simple. If you find any of this offensive, that was not my intention,Im intention was only bring to your attention that I am un bias, I am about as objective as one can get. And I found your post imature to say the least. Im sure some people will agree with me, as Im sure some won't, I'm not "Painting anyone out to be the bad guy" as you put it, Im only give my view HONESTLY.

[Head Wreck]

[wheresmypiggy]

I think Im about as objective and un-bias as it gets, I dont know you or anyone else envolved in the situation.  The only thing I have to go on is your post. If you dont like what people have to say then dont post in a public forum, what should (at least in my opinion) be resovled privately with your husband. If you chosse to post private matters, then you should be able to deal with the aftermath of the post. Its pretty simple.  If you find any of this offensive, that was not my intention,Im intention was  only bring to your attention that I am un bias, I am about as objective as one can get.  And I found your post imature to say the least. Im sure some people will agree with me, as Im sure some won't,  I'm not "Painting anyone out to be the bad guy" as you put it, Im only give my view HONESTLY.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I thank you for the help, criticisim and sarcasm.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No where did I make accusations towards anyone in particular. In fact this was a genuine thank you.

Maybe to some my post was immature. Creating this thread helped both John and I. I got out of it what I needed.

[Blackmail]

No where did I make accusations towards anyone in particular. In fact this was a genuine thank you.

Maybe to some my post was immature. Creating this thread helped both John and I. I got out of it what I needed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

so where are you and John taking me to lunch? I'm free on sunday afternoon.

[Steven]

so where are you and John taking me to lunch?  I'm free on sunday afternoon.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hold on now.....Jesi's got a long overdue (my fault) Taco date with me first homie, get in line.

I'm glad this thread helped you guys out Jesi, when you mix everyone's biases togethor (including yours) in a big bowl, sometimes it comes out good.

We (I know I do) wish you well.

Steven

[Homicidalheathen]

I am sorry I was critical without knowing the whole story. But it does seem maybe this relationship is good for you in the long run, you quit dancing, drugs...and he is quitting drinking. I am so happy to hear that. I come from alcoholic parents and it was never fun. Living in that drama. Your in my thoughts.