Has anyone else here given up on love...

[TheAbsynthFairy]

This is for those of us that don’t believe in love anymore. I have come to believe that there really are those of us destined to be alone…to find no one. I’m exhausted from giving my heart and everything I have to someone just to have them leave me and move on to someone else. In my lifetime I have been in a string of terrible relationships. Ones in which I gave every piece of my heart that I owned to someone, just for them to toss me aside. Each one using the same excuse…I’m not ready for a relationship right now…but when I am I want it to be with you .Or, you are marriage material….just not dating material. Yet, immediately (it never takes more than a week or two) they move on to another girl. What makes it worse? The honesty.

I had an ex boyfriend/ friend with benefits tell me he was excited for me to meet the girl he had just met…the girl of his dreams. This came only 4 days after we had broken up. He said he thought I would understand…it wasn’t me…it was just the “way things are sometimes.” He and I were together for almost 6 years, and he told me he loved me too much to hurt us with a relationship. Whatever that means. He then brought her to a poetry reading, the only one he ever attended of mine…even during our relationship. I had another boyfriend whom I adored in many ways…leave me for a friend of mine. Suddenly he ended up in a horrible accident and in a wheelchair. His girlfriend left him, and he came back to me. I nursed him and cared for him. I spent most of my days making sure he was cared for. I gave him another little piece of my heart, and he in turn got better and was soon walking around. He then left me again…for the same girl.

I finally had found whom I thought was the one. We made each other laugh hysterically every day, finished each others thoughts and sentences, and we enjoyed almost every minute of eachothers company. I cared for him, traveled an hour back and forth at least twice a week just to see him. I did everything I could to show him my devotion and love. He cared for me too, this was obvious to me (he showed it in so many ways. Like the way he took care of me when I was sick. And how he trusted me into his world.)... and he had so much to deal with in his life that we agreed on a break. He told me, like the ones before, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but that when he was…he wanted it to be with me. It told him I would wait for him to get things straightened out...he said he would wait too...to spare my feelings, and that he could never really bring himself to be involved with someone else because he loved me too much. We loved each other...I believe this…and through the breakup still acted as if we were BF and GF. It was hard not to. We had so much affection for each other, and I believe both of us deeply loved the other. Than…not more than a week after the official breakup, not more than two weeks after our break…he found another. He was honest and had told me…he told me the joy he brought to his heart the second he laid eyes on her. My heart broke in two. Apparently I’m not capable of bringing that kind of joy. Don’t get me wrong, he still is a great guy in many ways, and I will always love him. As corny and stupid as all of this sounds, his face made me belief there was proof that there was a God. (yes…a Christian goth…leave it alone. Ha ha).

Right now the breakup I am going through is devastating…and I have resigned myself to just being alone.

I have heard the there is someone out there for me speech a thousand times, but now I’m just jaded…and I’m far beyond believing that can be true. I will continue on as every man’s friend…but never the one really worth loving. I will never be the sparkle in someone’s eye, I will never experience my name when said with the most ultimate feeling of love and devotion. I have now learned to resign myself to this.

So…with that said…am I the only one here that believes in giving up the dream? Am I the only one that realizes that there are some of us doomed to never really have anyone recognize our worth?

[Brenda Starrr]

I felt that way when I left my ex husband. Then, I met Wayne. Amazing how things change when you really just don't care.....

[LuluVox]

Hrm. When I came to Michigan three years ago, I was pretty much in the "love doesn't exist" phase. It allowed me to have a satisfying, totally non-emotional sexual relationship with someone (who was on the same page as far as his stance on love), but inevitably I fell for someone else, got my heart broken again, and then, strangely, didn't turn back to the bitterness, but for some reason went looking for someone to be in a loving relationship with. Of course, since I was so blatantly looking, it never happened, I just found myself persuing useless avenue after useless avenue, and right when I was starting to say "to hell with love" again, and right when I stopped looking, *smack* it got me.

I can't say I mind, though.

[Onyx]

ack - that four letter word.

Love is inconvenient. It's often painful. It's illogical.

I've given up several times and then somehow no matter how much I try to kill it, hope springs up again.

I can't say I don't believe in it. I feel it every day. I've had my heart not only broken, but shredded. I don't think I'll ever give myself completely like that again, and I don't know if it's ever good to lose yourself the way I did. It's not healthy.

Even then though, with that said, I can't help continuing to try to win his heart again, even with all the obstacles in our way. Nobody else seems right.

[n0Mad]

I support your sentiment whole (broken) heartedly and will write a detailed response sometime within the next few days when I have some time. Notice the quote in my signature? "I'm not emo, I'm bitter and resentful. There's a differene." Yeah, it all comes from the treachery of love.

[Steven]

if you stop reaching.....you'll attain nothing.

perhaps its time to search out what you've been reaching for and move onto to reacing for something different.

everyone's been hurt terribly.

some people just get stuck there.

Good Luck. Life is worth living, always.

[Steven]

By the way, the statement "guard your heart" could very possibly point toward wisdom in opening certain dorrs, as opposed to just bolting it shut.

[saechalyn]

...

[Homicidalheathen]

So he wanted you to wait around to see if things would work out and in the mean time found someone else in less than a week?

"and he had so much to deal with in his life that we agreed on a break. He told me, like the ones before, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but that when he was…he wanted it to be with me. It told him I would wait for him to get things straightened out...he said he would wait too...to spare my feelings, and that he could never really bring himself to be involved with someone else because he loved me too much. We loved each other...I believe this…and through the breakup still acted as if we were BF and GF. It was hard not to. We had so much affection for each other, and I believe both of us deeply loved the other. Than…not more than a week after the official breakup, not more than two weeks after our break…he found another. He was honest and had told me…he told me the joy he brought to his heart the second he laid eyes on her. My heart broke in two. Apparently I’m not capable of bringing that kind of joy."

I don't think he was being honest with himself, thus not honest with you.

[phee]

The truth... I had.... then something happened at one of my shows.... and then I couldn't

[Msterbeau]

Take some time off from relationships and *really* get to know yourself better. Alone. There seems to be a pattern going on with who you date, and it doesn't seem to be a healthy/happy one. Think about why you're attracted to those people. There's probably a clue as to what's going on in your head that makes you keep picking partners who are unavailable.

Oh... and never say never. You're still pretty young. You'll be amazed at how your life changes as you grow older. Some may be good... some may be not so good. But your experiences will change you... if you stay mindful of what's going on inside yourself, you'll grow in a positive direction.

Just my $.02.

[TheAbsynthFairy]

So he wanted you to wait around to see if things would work out and in the mean time found someone else in less than a week? 

"and he had so much to deal with in his life that we agreed on a break. He told me, like the ones before, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but that when he was…he wanted it to be with me. It told him I would wait for him to get things straightened out...he said he would wait too...to spare my feelings, and that he could never really bring himself to be involved with someone else because he loved me too much. We loved each other...I believe this…and through the breakup still acted as if we were BF and GF. It was hard not to. We had so much affection for each other, and I believe both of us deeply loved the other. Than…not more than a week after the official breakup, not more than two weeks after our break…he found another. He was honest and had told me…he told me the joy he brought to his heart the second he laid eyes on her. My heart broke in two. Apparently I’m not capable of bringing that kind of joy."

I don't think he was being honest with himself, thus not honest with you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In his defense I guess this person had told the new girl he wasnt ready for a relationship either. But he seems all giddy about her...thats what hurts. And when he is ready for a relationship...will it be her instead? I don't know. He said he cant handle being in a relationship with someone he loved that much (me), he would rather be friends to make sure I stayed in his life. Total between the break and the breakup it was 2 weeks. (weird situation) Yet we couldnt help but act like BF and GF together the entire time. It was too natural to us. It seems as if he loved me. In his defense he does have alot to deal with. I don't know...

[JaneDead]

The truth... I had.... then something happened at one of my shows.... and then I couldn't

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

awww phee. i am so glad you and rayne found each other!

[TheAbsynthFairy]

I dont want to focus too much on this last relationship...because he is a good guy and I hope he and I can be friends again. Im just trying to figure out why I get in this pattern...or is this pattern destined to keep finding me...because Im doomed to it.

[JaneDead]

i will NEVER give up on love. i have always believed in it and always will. love is the most important thing in my life. love of friends, family, my kids. i don't need to be "IN" love to have love in my life. i mean being in love is great but if i was never in love i would still be ok with just BEING loved by everyone else i have in my life.

[phee]

awww phee. i am so glad you and rayne found each other!

Thanks =)

[Ash Sangre]

I Feel you absinth. I have been in that situation quite a few times. The first guy I waswith seriously wound up to be gay:( The secnd guy told me we were too much like brother and sister but still wanted sex, and the last guy I was with for 5 years. He dumped me 2 weeks ago, right in City Club........ I was so embarrassed, and all I do for this guy is buy him stuff and gave him everyting. I guess Im just not good enough for any man...... So I understand completley. And I am sorry for you, my deepest sympathies and condolonces...

[torn asunder]

i hope this doesn't come across as being dismissive or disrespectful, but i thought there were some good points to ponder in this... (especially the ones i've highlighted)

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with y our smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

Maybe the divine hand of Fate wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

[BrassFusion]

Your ex probably isn't ready for ANY serious relationship.

Ok. Fuck "probably." He just plain isn't. Someone back there suggested that you spend some alone time and fall in love with yourself more... don't think you're the only one who needs to do that.

[TheAbsynthFairy]

i hope this doesn't come across as being dismissive or disrespectful, but i thought there were some good points to ponder in this... (especially the ones i've highlighted)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you...actually it helps. All of your words of wisdom help alot. I had taken time off from my previous relationship to figure out what I want. I thought I figured it all out....then I ended up back in the same place. Maybe I shouldn't dread this place so much. Maybe I should just accept it and learn from it. Easier said than done though.

[Guest Megalicious]

I just found myself persuing useless avenue after useless avenue, and right when I was starting to say "to hell with love" again, and right when I stopped looking, *smack* it got me.

I can't say I mind, though.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank the snow shovel FAIRY!!

Now back to the topic:

Sometimes it feels like we are destin to be alone. I know how you feel, shit I'm in a relationship right now and sometimes I feel like that. I know you are hurting right now, but take this time to pamper "YOU" to take care of yourself, to spoil yourself, my pirate friends always tells me goodbye by saying "be good to you"....

I know people say all the time how you just need time, and its true. But don't sit there toturing yourself =( thinking of how you are destin to be alone in the mean time, it will only lead you to be more depressed and lonely =( I know it hard to drag yourself out .. but you should... You will feel so much better =)

[BillyDeath]

yes and no.

[Shade Everdark]

How easily we humans can turn something as subtle and tricksome as love into simple black and white terms. I don't think it's as easy as simply 'still believing' or 'giving up on' love. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think that love isn't something you ever truly give up on, at least in the vast majority of instances. It's also never as pretty, as rosy, or as happy as it's made out to be. I think it's more like an old friend we don't go around to see as much, once we've realized that the interactions with that friend aren't entirely healthy for us.

I'm pretty cynical, as that sort of thing goes. I haven't given up on love, but I'm not exactly hoping for it visit me again. I need to reexamine how it affects me, how I deal with it, how afraid of it I am, and how emotionally mature I am.

This does not mean, however, that in the meantime I'm going to be working on other social fears of mine, that might have some tangential bearing on love.

Wow, that's a jumbled mess. I must be tired today.

[Steven]

Take some time off from relationships and *really* get to know yourself better.  Alone.  There seems to be a pattern going on with who you date, and it doesn't seem to be a healthy/happy one.  Think about why you're attracted to those people.  There's probably a clue as to what's going on in your head that makes you keep picking partners who are unavailable. 

Oh... and never say never.  You're still pretty young.  You'll be amazed at how your life changes as you grow older.  Some may be good... some may be not so good.  But your experiences will change you... if you stay mindful of what's going on inside yourself, you'll grow in a positive direction.

Just my $.02.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

best .02 I've heard yet.

Well done old man.

[Steven]

How easily we humans can turn something as subtle and tricksome as love into simple black and white terms.  I don't think it's as easy as simply 'still believing' or 'giving up on' love.  At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think that love isn't something you ever truly give up on, at least in the vast majority of instances.  It's also never as pretty, as rosy, or as happy as it's made out to be.  I think it's more like an old friend we don't go around to see as much, once we've realized that the interactions with that friend aren't entirely healthy for us.

I'm pretty cynical, as that sort of thing goes.  I haven't given up on love, but I'm not exactly hoping for it visit me again.  I need to reexamine how it affects me, how I deal with it, how afraid of it I am, and how emotionally mature I am.

This does not mean, however, that in the meantime I'm going to be working on other social fears of mine, that might have some tangential bearing on love.

Wow, that's a jumbled mess.  I must be tired today.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

do we ever question ourselves honestly:

1) am I truly worthy at this moment in my life, of handling the type of relationship that I truly desire? ie Have I prepared myself????

2) do I have the skills to maintain and nurture a relationship?

3) what type of foresight have I developed?